throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

one

Disclaimer: characters are based off those from outer banks but the storyline is all mine.

TW: sexual assault

i love and i hate you

I sat in the corner of the huge, beige sectional tucked away in the "informal" living room of the Cameron household. I held an empty red cup, hoping that it would keep people from asking me if I wanted a drink. I tucked my hair behind my ear and scanned the room for the face of the person I wanted to see the most, Rafe Cameron.

We just finished freshman year of college and it was our first night back in Kildare. Rafe and Topper had to throw a huge rager the first night back we an excuse to see everyone else that went away to college or were stuck in high school that they hadn't seen all year.

Rafe, Topper, and I all went to the same college and shared an apartment. I was stuck studying by myself while Rafe was constantly out partying and hooking up with girls. He wouldn't have passed any of his classes if it weren't for me writing his papers, doing his homework, or giving him a crash course before midterms and finals.

I sat back and took care of him and his annoying best friend Topper hoping that he'd see me and how much I loved him and realize that he loved me too.

But that never happened.

Instead here I am, sober around a bunch of drunk people hoping that Rafe won't find someone worth fucking and will settle for cuddling me tonight.

I craved the buzz that alcohol gave me but I'd been unable to drink after a late night our first week of college. I'd trusted a drink from a cute boy, hoping Rafe would see and step in, confessing his love for me. Instead I took the drink and it was drugged. Rafe didn't even notice when the cute boy dragged my unconscious body from the party to his dorm room and had his way with me. He didn't notice when I didn't come home until late the next afternoon with a tear soaked face. He didn't notice when I didn't smile or really leave my room for months. And he didn't notice when I never touched alcohol or went to another party again.

I rolled my eyes as a girl stumbled by, screeching about boys staring and flirting to try to get attention from the boy she wanted it from. Doesn't she realize he doesn't give a fuck about her?

I stood up from the couch and stretched before fixing the straps of my halter top. I adjusted my boobs, making sure they looked perky and appealing enough. I pushed through the crowd, ignoring the boys that took notice of me until I made it to the kitchen. I tossed my empty cup into the trash can and hopped up onto the counter by the sink. I scanned the crowd again and found Rafe and Topper, in the middle of a group of people,  chugging beers and taking shots. They thrive on the cheers from their peers. It's like they're kings and everyone else are peasants hanging on their every word.

A skinny blonde girl let out an over exaggerated laugh and threw her body against Rafe's. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss.

I reached into the sink and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. I tore off the cap and took a long pull from the bottle. I smiled as the familiar warmth spread over me. I couldn't bare seeing him like this, with another girl. I hadn't had a sip to drink in months, but I can't keep going without it. I'll just make sure not to leave it unattended and not to go anywhere with anyone.

I chuckled to myself and lifted the bottle to my lips again. I closed my eyes as the flavor washed over my tongue and I imagined that it was me that Rafe was kissing.

I felt someone grab the bottle and pull it from my grasp. I let out a whine and opened my eyes. Topper was standing in front of me with the bottle by his side.

I rolled my eyes and reached for the bottle, "What the fuck, dude? Give it back."

Topper held it out of my reach and stared down at me, "Why are you drinking."

"Because I want to."

Topper shook his head, "You haven't had anything to drink since we first got to college. Why now?"

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. He noticed? "What are you talking about I've drank."

Topper set the bottle on the island behind him, "No, you carry around an empty cup."

I felt my heart rate pick up and redness spread across my face. I hadn't realized that he noticed me. Rafe was our connecting friend and I've never spoken to him unless Rafe was apart of the conversation too. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm not stupid. I know something happened. You acted really weird for awhile but I didn't wanna overstep. I kept asking Rafe about it but he said you were fine."

I tried to get up and move around him, "Just give it back."

Topper shook his head and blocked my path. He backed me up to the counter and placed a hand on either side of me, blocking me in. "Not until you talk to me about what's going on."

I stared at my feet, trying to avoid his intense stare. "There's nothing to tell."

Topper let out a long sigh and stepped back, "Fine. Be stubborn."

I watched his back as he disappeared into the crowd with the bottle. I turned to the counter and started looking for another bottle. Every one was either empty or had half a shot left. It was late and everyone else was drunk already.

I dropped my shoulders and held my head in my hands. I just wanted to forget about everything.

I gave Rafe one last look, his arm was firmly planted around the blonde girls waist, his hand grabbing her perfect ass under her tiny little skirt. Topper was watching me, watching my reaction from his post at his best friends side.

A giggle escaped my lips as I tried to choke back tears. I shook my head at the boy in front of me, the one that only cared about himself. Topper moved from Rafe's side. I could see a slight concern color Topper's face. I don't know what had gotten into him tonight, since when did he give a fuck?

I turned on my heel and slipped out the front door, taking a path through the trees down to my house. It was a secret passage Rafe and I used to use when we were kids. I knew the trail by heart and hurriedly made my way.
I wanted the safety of my bed. I wanted to hide and feel secure before I broke down over a boy who looked at me as a friend and nothing more.
A boy who didn't even notice his own best friend at a party. 
A boy who only cared about himself.

A boy that, either way, no matter what, I loved.