throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

eleven

TW: drug use

it's been 6 days since the last time i saw your face

I stayed in my motel room for an entire week.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat.

I just laid in bed, unshowered, clutching Topper's shirt so tightly that my fingers went numb.

I ignored every call and every text that came through. None of them were from Topper anyway.

I stared at the clock that sat on the dresser across from the bed and watched as the hours passed by.

I picked up my phone and clicked Topper's name. It rang and rang and rang until it sent me to voicemail, again.

I bit my lip as I stared at a shirtless picture of Topper, remembering the moment it was taken.

I was upset, it was probably about something Rafe had done, and Topper was trying to cheer me up. He stood at the end of my bed in just his boxers and danced around to a Taylor Swift song until I cracked a smile.

I needed to apologize.

I walked up Topper's driveway, trying to be quiet so I didn't wake the neighbors. It was 2 AM and I had spent the last couple hours walking over here. I tried to call Topper a couple times but it kept going to voicemail.

I royally fucked up.

A giggle broke my concentration and I looked up from my feet to see Sarah and Topper standing in front of her car in his driveway. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun and she held her shoes and her shorts in one hand while her other hand held onto the back of Topper's neck.

Topper was only in a pair of sweatpants and he had one hand around her waist and the other gripping her ass under the oversized tshirt she wore.

I felt anger rise in my chest as I realized it was his shirt.

The anger turned to sadness quickly. I felt tears prick my eyes and I tried to turn around and walk away but I couldn't look away.

I watched in horror as she stood on her tiptoes to place a quick, flirty kiss to his lips and as he smiled down at her, nothing but love in his face.

My hand flew to my mouth as a loud sob escaped my throat.

Topper turned his head to where I stood and his hands fell to his sides as he realized it was me.

Sarah immediately began to chew on her fingernail as she avoided eye contact.

My legs finally caught up with my brain and I slowly began to walk backwards, trying to get away from the living nightmare in front of me. I knew this was the plan. This was what was supposed to happen the whole time. This is how it ends. This was success.

So why did my chest feel like it was on fire?

Topper took a couple steps towards me, "Sienna, wait."

I shook my head and held my arm out towards him. He stopped a few feet away and I could see the regret and hurt in his eyes.

I turned on my heel and started walking away as quickly as I could. My short, quick steps turned into long strides and before I knew what I was doing I was running.

My lungs felt like they were on fire and my sides ached but I couldn't stop. I needed to get as far away as possible.

I stumbled into my house, not stopping to close the door behind me. My brain was numb and I couldn't slow my thoughts. Every bad thought that I could ever have was rushing through my brain all at once.

I felt dead inside. Empty.

I felt like a zombie, stumbling up the stairs and then down the hallway, determined to just make it to the cabinet my pills without falling apart.

After the incident at college I had been prescribed Xanax to help deal with the crippling anxiety that kept me from leaving my room.

I hadn't taken it in a couple months. I had been healing.

Every single scar was ripped open in this moment and they all ached like they were brand new.

I was slipping into the past. Into the memories that haunted me and threatened to steal my happiness. I fell to my knees, the cold tile floor keeping me in the moment as I struggled to open the bottle.

Finally the lid clattered to the floor and I poured a few pills into my hand. I threw them back, not thinking about the quantity, just the relief that I needed.

I didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want to deal with my problems.

I couldn't.

I finally let the exhaustion and emotion fall over me. The weight knocked me to the floor and I rested my head on my arm. I held the hem of Topper's shirt to my nose and took a deep breath.

I wished I was with him.

My head ached from all of the tears and the thoughts and the fact that I hadn't eaten in days. I tried to will myself to get up. I needed to eat and drink water or at least make it to my bed but my body felt like it was nailed to the floor. My eyes grew heavy and I couldn't fight to hold them open anymore, I needed to sleep.

I felt all of the emotion and thoughts and pain from the last couple of months melt away and I felt at peace. My heart rate slowed and so did my breathing and I let myself drift off into a dreamless sleep for the first time in days.