throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

eighteen

TW/ PTSD, smut

not all I thought it'd be

I crawled into Topper's bed, careful not to wake him. I was hoping for a couple hours to think before he woke up and we had to talk. I carefully pulled him onto my chest and started to run my fingers through his hair. In this moment, I was so content my heart could've burst.

I watched Topper's face scrunch and his breathing pick up as he slowly came to reality. He snuggled into my chest as he registered my vanilla and spice scent and realized that I was there.

Topper hummed before he spoke, "What're you doing here?"

I smiled down at him, "I came to talk to you."

He pulled his blanket up around his shoulders so it would cover more of me, "Rafe?"

My breath caught in my throat and my hand stilled, "Yeah, I talked to him."

He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, "And?"

"He said everything I wanted to hear."

Topper wouldn't loosen his grip, "So why aren't you with him?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

Topper's heart raced and I could feel it through his chest, "About what?"

"About what happens now."

His fingertips were digging into my skin, "What do you want to happen?"

I bit my lip as I relished in the pain of his fingertips creating small bruises on my torso, "Well, I guess we stay friends and I finally get to be with Rafe."

He didn't respond, just kept his grip on my body.

I gently tugged on his hair, "Unless you give me a reason not to."

He finally loosened his grasp until he was barely touching me at all, "You finally have your happy ending. The plan worked. Go be with your man."

My heart ached and as the reality of the situation registered, "Yeah, I think I will."

I had finally gotten the answer to the question: what did I want?

I wanted Topper. I wanted him to tell me to forget about Rafe. I wanted him to tell me it wasn't all an act, he really loved me. I wanted him to tell me not to pick Rafe. I wanted him to tell me that hearing Rafe's confession made him jealous and that Rafe didn't deserve me.

Instead he proved my worst fear, it was all fake. He didn't really care, he was just using me. Like we agreed, I had to remind myself. This was always the plan and I couldn't be mad that he didn't catch feelings just because I did.

Topper sat up and gave me one last kiss and then rested his forehead against mine, "I am so happy for you and I promise I will always have your back."

I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand, "Thank you for everything. I wouldn't be here without you. You've helped me more than you know."