throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

twenty-five

TW: mentions of abuse and drug use

these tears are deadly

Topper and I spent a lot of time together over the next couple of weeks.

I couldn't stand to be away from him. I wanted to be with him every second of every day.

We would spend our days together, talking and getting to know each other all over again. We watched our favorite movies, shared our best and worst memories, and learned to cook our favorite comfort foods.

Every night I would fall asleep in his arms but every morning I woke up to a cold empty bed and him on the floor.

It was like we were taking huge steps forward in our friendship that resulted in us getting farther and farther from our end goal of being in a romantic relationship.

I felt myself growing jealous, insecure. Every time he touched me it lit me on fire and stoked the embers that burned deep in my stomach, growing the yearning I felt towards him. More times than I can count I had to stop myself from closing the distance between us with my lips on his.

But I knew if I crossed that line we would have to spend this time apart instead of together and I couldn't handle that.

It was him and it always had been and I'd do whatever I could to be with him.

I laid on Topper's chest, breathing in the familiar scent of laundry detergent mixed with his cologne. I watched the screen of his phone as he clicked through Rafe's minute long instagram story.

Rafe hadn't spoken to either of us since I told him I didn't want to be with him and he started posting so much more. It was like he was trying to prove that he was happy and better off without us. Like he didn't care that I wanted to be with Topper and Topper wanted to be with me. It was all alcohol and drugs and girls.

So many girls.

Topper paused on a picture of Rafe sloppily making out with one girl while another clung to him as she kissed his neck.

I felt my stomach twist and turn and tried to push it out of my mind.

Why do I care?

This was all so confusing.

I didn't want Rafe but I couldn't just stop loving him. It was like a faucet turned on high with both handles removed; you couldn't just turn it off.

No matter how hard I tried, he was always in the back of my mind and his posts were working. I was jealous.

But I didn't want to be.

How could I cut him out of me? His presence tainted every single one of my memories. I couldn't remember a time before him and it took my breath away to try and imagine a time after him.

There was no "Sienna" and "Rafe." It was, and always has been, "SiennaandRafe." All one word, no separation between him and I. No way to see where I ended and he began. He was an extension of myself, and I of him.

I didn't really even know who I was.

What parts are me, really me, and what parts did I perfectly curate to Rafe's wants and needs? How do I even begin to separate them and find myself?