throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

nineteen

TW/ anxiety, panic attacks, mentions of assault

self sabotage

I heard Topper's hurried footsteps as he made his way up the stairs. I couldn't peel my eyes away from the mirror, away from my naked body covered in bruises. There was a soft knock at the bathroom door, "Come in."

Topper slowly pulled open the door and I turned to face him. He stopped still and tensed, his mouth agape and his eyes wide. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down. I could feel his eyes burning holes in my stomach but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I felt ashamed. I felt like I betrayed him.

Topper and I stood there, him staring at me and me unable to look at him for what felt like hours. My mind was empty and my chest was hollow. I didn't have anything left inside of me.

Topper cleared his throat, "What happened?"

I picked at the cracked skin of my bottom lip, "We just had sex. That's all."

Topper reached out for me, "But you look..."

I pushed his hand away and took a step back, "It's fine. I wanted it rough."

Topper grabbed me and pulled me against his chest. I tried to pull away but he held me in place, "Sienna."

I felt myself start to break. Every wall I had built up to protect me were cracked and crumbling, "it's fine."

Topper rubbed small circles on my back, "Not with everything you've been through."

I couldn't hold it in any longer and all of the emotions I had been repressing came crashing over me. Tears started flowing from my eyes and sobs tore through my throat. My entire body shook and heaved as I sobbed and Topper was the only thing keeping me from falling to the floor.

Topper hooked his arm under my knees and carried my to my bed. He disappeared into my closet for a second before re-emerging with an oversized shirt. He slipped the shirt over my head and gently moved my arms through the holes. He sat next to me in the bed and pulled me into his lap before wrapping a blanket around me.

Topper whispered almost inaudibly as I sobbed into his chest. I couldn't stop the tears or the heaviness that suffocated me no matter how hard I tried. I tried to focus on his words but it was like he was speaking another language. Instead I focused on the softness and evenness of his voice and used it to ground me into reality.

My hands gripped onto his t-shirt like my life depended on holding him close to me and my whole body shook uncontrollably. All of the muscles in my body were tense and tired but it was like I was unable to relax. Topper rocked me back and forth and I could feel his heart racing.

All I wanted was to fall into a dreamless sleep where I could just exist without any thoughts or anxieties attacking my reality. But all my brain could do was replay my night with Rafe over and over again. Every excruciatingly painful minute was engrained in me. all of the marks that littered my body ached all at once like his hands were all over me all at once. How could I let him have me? Why did I just give myself to him after all he put me through?

One thought kept me going that stuck out against the swirling darkness.

I want Topper.