throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

sixteen

I'm lost in my abyss

A Disney movie played in the background as Topper and I laid in his bed. The air was heavy and silent and it had been hours since we had spoken to each other. We were 6 hours into a movie marathon and we were comfortable with each other, we didn't need to talk. But every time my leg grazed his or our hands touched it was like the air was being charged with electricity. His touch set me on fire and made me want him so badly I almost couldn't hold back anymore.

I watched him smile in the TV light as he laughed at the movie. Monsters Inc. was his favorite movie and it never failed to capture his full attention. I rolled over onto my side and placed my palm on his stomach. I could feel the heat radiating off of his skin and I almost pulled my hand away but I caught myself and kept my hand gingerly placed. His stomach tensed under my touch and I tried not to notice.

I cleared my throat, "Hey, Topper?"

His eyes bounced from my hand to the screen, "Hmmm?"

I moved the tips of my fingers in small circles over the soft skin of his abs, "I'm horny."

Topper grabbed my hand in his and pulled, signaling for me to make my way onto him. I straddled his waist and his found their way to the back of my thighs. I grazed his nose with mine hoping that he would connect our lips but he didn't. Instead we sat there, cemented in place. Our faces were centimeters apart and our hearts pounded so loudly in our chests that you could hear the rhythm over the movie.

I don't know how long we sat there, it felt like seconds and hours all at the same time. My eyes searched his face, bouncing around his features and we hungrily breathed each other in. One willing the other to close the space and break the tension.

Then my phone rang.

I reached across the bed and picked up my phone. A picture of Rafe I had taken when we were 16 filled the screen. He halfway in the ocean and flexing. A light sunburn spread across his nose and his hair was bleached by the sun. We had spent everyday of that summer on the beach or outside somewhere. It was our first taste of freedom.

I held the phone up to my ear and answered, "Hey! What's up?"

"Can we meet up? I wanna talk," Rafe's voice was calm and smooth on the other end.

I bit my lip and glanced down at Topper, he gave me a weak smile and a thumbs up, "Okay, yeah. Text me the details."

I adjusted the straps of my sundress and raked my fingers through my hair as I waited for Rafe. He was meeting me at a more secluded spot on the beach by my house. I ran through all of the possibilities of what could happen when he got here. Was he going to let me know he didn't want anything to do with me? Was he going to tell me he has feelings for me? That he got his new girlfriend pregnant? That he would never want to be with me?

I wasn't sure which as worse, having him as just a friend or not at all.

I dug my toes into the sand and looked around hoping to catch a glimpse of Rafe but there was only empty beach stretching out on every side of me. My stomach twisted and turn as the minutes ticked by.

He was late.

That couldn't be good.

No boy would be late to tell a girl he loved her. He would be there waiting for her with a speech planned and running through his head. He would have a gift or a picnic or something waiting for her. Something that would prove how he felt and that he put thought into his confession, it wasn't just spur of the moment and rushed.

My thoughts were conflicting and I didn't know what to feel. If he told me he wanted to stay friends would I feel relief? I would be free to explore my relationship with Topper, if Topper actually liked me that is. If he didn't even want to be my friend it would give me a chance to move out of the past, to be my own person and see who I truly was. I hadn't been on my own, really ever. I was always with Rafe, doing what Rafe wanted to do just to be with him. I don't even know if I truly knew what I liked, what I wanted to be, what my favorite food was. Every part of me was entwined with him.

He tainted every part of my body, my soul.

I didn't know which outcome to hope for, what I wanted, what I needed. Everything felt wrong and mixed together. Thoughts and emotions spilled into each other, mixing what used to be black and white into a shade of gray that made me feel uneasy, confused.

A calloused hand grazed the back of my arm and I felt myself stiffen. I would know the feeling of his touch and the notes of smoke and cedar of his scent anywhere.

Rafe.