Coach Knowles

69

(this is basically two short chapters in one)

onika

I was a lot more scared than I was showing. I was freaking out on the inside. I know I was crying and yelling at Bey a little but it's so much worse in my head.

I can't be pregnant again. Two kids with no father, I don't need a third one.

We got back home with the pregnancy test but I was so nervous that I couldn't pee. I also couldn't use the bathroom in front of Bey, she kept looking.

"Bey go get me water."

She ran out of the room. I used that time to relax my body and try to pee on the pregnancy test while I was alone.

By the time she came back, the pregnancy test was already on the sink.

"You did it that fast?"

"Mhm." I have a lot of experience I guess.

"So if you are pregnant, what are we gonna do?"

"I already told you."

"And that's it? No discussion?"

"I already told you I don't want any more kids."

"I know and I respect your decision but-"

"But nothing. Respect it."

"I-"

"Bey."

She sighed, "Okay."

"Let's leave the bathroom, if we stay in here it'll take longer." And I just didn't want to be in the same room as a stick I just peed on.

I washed my hands and left the bathroom. Bey was already sitting down so I straddled her lap.

Being pregnant brings bad memories up for me. The first time I was pregnant, I was being abused and I ran away from my entire family and haven't seen them since. The second time I got pregnant, August cheated on me.

Both of them left me to raise the kids on my own. I'm the on one raising raising them. I'm the one that has to deal with all the problems they have from having no father in their life.

So I feel like if I don't 100% want to have a baby, I'm not even going to consider it. It's completely my choice because at the end of the day, I'm going to be the main one taking care of it.

As helpful as Bey would probably try, we both know she's not about to clean up a dirty diaper if this hypothetical baby poops all the way up it's back.

She would probably cry if she got thrown up on. I could imagine her getting thrown up on, crying and changing her shirt just to get thrown up on again. Stuff like that happens and she wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Are you okay? You're like all spaced out, you don't even hear me talking to you." I didn't even realize she was talking to me.

"No I'm not."

So much trauma comes with pregnancy for me. I don't even know for sure if I'm pregnant yet.

"It's going to be okay. We'll deal with whatever happens together."

I just nodded. I didn't feel like talking, I just wanted to check the test and see one line and have a celebratory glass of wine or five.

I don't want to have three kids with three different fathers, none of them in their lives, and and all with big age gaps.

I'm stressing out.

I checked my phone and it was time to check the pregnancy test. "It's time to check."