Forever & Always

15. Rekindling

I wake up the next morning with a big smile on my face. I head into the bathroom to brush my teeth before heading down to the canteen for some breakfast, I walk in and decide on some yogurt with fruit before heading over and sitting with Demi.
"Morning Dem"
"Morning, you look happy"
"I am happy"
"Oooh spill the beans"
"I don't have any beans to spill" I say laughing
Just as I say this Keira and Kara walk in and when we look at each other we both have massive smile on our faces.
"We'll that tells me otherwise and plus I saw the two of yous leave and then come back together last night"
"It was nothing we just had a chat"
"Leah do you think I came down in the last shower of rain, I'm not stupid"
"Alright but you can't tell anyone Demi"
"You know I won't"
"We're gonna give it another shot, but this time we're gonna do it proper, because it's not just the two of us anymore" I say smiling as I look at Kara in her mums arms
"I'm really happy for you kid"
"Thanks Dem"
"Are you nervous for your interview"
"Yeah a bit"
"What time do you have to be there"
"10:00"
"We'll if I was you I'd get a move on because it's 9:50 now"
"Shit, see you later" I say as I get up in a rush
"Where you running to" Keira asks as I speed walk past her
"I've got that interview now"
"Oh yeah, good luck"
"Thanks" I say smiling as I rush to the media room.
When I get there most of the stuff is set up and they ask me a few questions before I sit down.
"You ready to start" Sarah (the interviewer) asks me
"Yeah I'm ready" I say as they count me down
(Sarah in bold & Leah in italics)
3, 2, 1, rolling she says and then points at me
Hi I'm Leah Murphy, defender for Lyon and England
So Leah what are your earliest memories of playing football
We'll I grew up with a younger sister and an older brother and we' were just the kind of kids that were always outside playing, we used to have our own little mini tournaments in the back garden and we were dead competitive with each other like we all wanted to win and I think that's kind of where my football and my competitive mentality started.
Was it always football or were there other sports.
Yeah I played everything that I could, I grew up in Ireland and there's 2 native Irish sports called Hurling and Gaelic Football so I played both of those for years along with football and rugby, I loved sports when I was a kid, and where I came from it was cool to play sports, but it was also fun like it was really relaxed, it was just you and your mates having a kick about at the end of the day, but as I got older it became a bit of a problem for me.
How so ?
We'll I actually quit hurling and Gaelic football and I was just playing football and rugby but I wasn't in the best place mentally, I was going through a rough patch, I was really struggling confidence wise and I felt like I didn't fit in and I ended up using sport as a release, and I know in some cases it's a good thing but it was actually the opposite for me, I ended up falling out of love with both sport so I had to take a step back.
Just going back to when you said you went through a rough patch and you weren't in the best place mentally. Would I be right in saying that that has happened to you again recently.
Am yeah that's right it did, it was a few months after I signed for Man City. In other peoples eyes I was living the dream you know I was after signing my first professional contract for my childhood club, but in reality I was in a really really dark place, I was just so lonely and lost even tho I was surrounded by so many people, but I chose to keep it to myself because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. It went on like that for a few months and I kept pushing it to the back of me mind telling myself that I was fine but in reality I was just in denial, and I did that for years and it wasn't until about a month before I left city that it got really bad and to be honest at one point I thought about ending it and just setting myself free from the pain essentially because that's what it felt like, I was just in pain every day and I was actually in a relationship at the time, it was all kind of new and fresh and it was so difficult because I waking up putting on a smile because I wanted to be a good girlfriend a good teammate a good friend and just a good person but underneath it all I was slowly dying inside and I was just so lost.
As I finish saying this I have tears rolling down my face.
"Sorry" I say as I wipe my eyes
You have nothing to be sorry for, do you want us to stop for a moment
No I'm ok, I'm good to carry on
So Leah do you want to talk us through your thought process behind going to Lyon, I know it was partially for football, but personally why did you make that decision ?
Am to be honest it was a very last minute decision, I actually remember having training on the Friday and I came home and just broke down and I remember just getting this rush of like pure adrenaline and I rang up my agent and told him to tell Lyon I wanted to accept the offer and that I could be there first thing Sunday morning, bearing in mind that we were playing Chelsea in the last game of the league the next day but to be honest I was just so broken at this point that my thought process was to go somewhere where nobody knew any of my personal business, or anything like that and to get there as fast as possible, I was just a bag of mixed emotions to be honest, I wanted to leave to so that I could try and fight a battle that I wasn't sure I was going to win, but I knew that I needed to do it on my own, so that's what I did I went to France and I didn't tell anybody anything. It's funny because there are people who are going to see this who I have spent so much time with and this is the first time there going to hear any of this.
So what did help you, like what did you find peace in or who did you find peace in ?
Some people are going to laugh at this because it's sounds a bit cringe but the sky, when I was little my grandad, who I'm really close with, told me this quote and I've never forgotten it, it's "the sun rises for everyone" and to be honest there's been a few days where that got me through, and i remember being at city and I was after having a really bad day and someone had found out that I had been struggling, it was one of the girls, and I took her to this place where I used to go when I was having a bad day, and we got there just as the run sun was rising. I don't know why but I just find it really peaceful. I actually have a little note in the back of my phone case and it says "as lust as the light seems the sun will rise, for everyone" I don't know I just think it's really powerful because when you think about it, no matter who you are, no matter what you have are haven't done, no matter how your feeling, or no matter what kind of a day you've had, at the end of the darkness the sun always rises, for everyone.
I say shyly as I look at the ground
So what advice would you give to someone who's struggling now ?
Just to speak, just talk about it, a problem shared is a problem halved. Like it's doesn't even have to be to a therapist or a psychologist it can literally be to anyone, it could be to a teacher, a friend, a colleague, a teammate, literally anyone.
But whatever you do don't bottle up your feelings, I think there's so much pressure on people now to fit in and if you don't meet certain requirements then you don't fit in, but that's not true, it makes me really uncomfortable and mad at how long it's taking us to realise that we should just let people be who they want to be. Like I don't fit in a box, I don't fit in a box with what I say, I don't fit in a box with how I dress and definitely not how I talk but I don't change that to please other people because I am who I am and if you don't accept me then it's your loss. But yeah I know that not everyone has that mindset and not everyone is thick skinned, and to be honest I think it's quiet scary because we have no idea who is and who isn't struggling, there is so many people who wake up everyday and when they leave home they put on a smile, but in reality it's when people are alone, when there at home in their own comfort zone that they are most vulnerable, like we have no idea what goes on in anybody else's life, but if you are struggling then please please please reach out and talk to people because it really does help, your not alone.
Finally Leah is there anything you want to say to finish this off
Yeah, Just remember, As lust as the light seems the sun will rise.
I say as I smile at the camera until the camera lady puts her thumbs up so I know that she's done.
"Oh god that was more intense than playing in a final" I say and everyone laughs. They all thanks me and just as I'm about to leave I hear Matt (our social media guy) call my name.
"Leah"
"Yeah"
"Look, you can say no if you want but I was just wondering if maybe tonight we could gather all the girls in the conference room and show them that before it goes out to the public, it was really powerful Leah and your story is amazing"
"I mean if that's what you want yeah go ahead, I don't have a problem with it" I say smiling
"Thanks Leah and congrats, you should be proud of yourself"
"Thanks Matt" I say as I leave and head to the boot room and quickly get ready so I'm not late for training.