Forever & Always

23. Talking

It's now Thursday, we have camp tomorrow, and not going to lie I've slept in my car for 2 nights. I know that I need to pack for camp but all my stuff is at Keira's house. I badly need a shower because I stink and I could do with some proper rest before an intense few days so I decide to do the sensible thing and drive to Steph's. I nock on the door and she opens it, she doesn't even say anything she just engulfs me in a hug. "Are you ok" she asks and I stay silent. "Sorry that was a stupid question" there's silence for around a minute before she says
"God you stink" and we both laugh.
"Come on you can have a shower" she says as we both walk upstairs to the bathroom.
"Am, I don't have any clothes" I say shyly walking into the bathroom
"It's ok I'll get you some don't worry about it, there's towels in the press and there's shampoo and all that there as-well so you should be ok, when your done just walk into the spare room and I'll put some clothes in there ok, if you need me call me"
"Thanks" I say looking at the ground as she walk out and closes the door.
Once I'm finished in the shower I walk into the spare room and see some clothes on the bed that Steph has  laid out for me. I decide to put on the joggers and a t-shirt and I walk downstairs.
"Do you feel better after that" she asks me as I walk into the living room and sit on the opposite sofa to her. "Yeah, thank you" I say still not making eye contact with her
"Leah you know your welcome here any time"
"Can I ask you a favour Steph"
"Yeah of course"
"I need to pack for camp but all my stuff is at Keira's" I say before going silent for a minute
"She's not there Lee"
"What"
"Keira's not at home, so I can take you over now if you want" she says softly
"Yeah, please" she nods so we get up and head over to Keira's. When we pull into the drive her car is gone so I know she's not here. I unlock the door and go inside, I try and pack as quick as possible just in case she comes back but luckily she doesn't. We drive back to Steph's. I get out of her car and go to get into mine but then I hear her say
"what are you doing"
"I'm going"
"No your not, you need some proper rest and so good food so get in here now"
"Steph" I try and protest but I know by the look on her face that I'm not going to win so I just follow her into her house. When we get in we can smell the food that Stephen has cooked so we all sit at the table and eat dinner. When we're done me and Steph go into the living room and Stephen does the wash up. We're sitting on the sofa relaxing and I can see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye.
"What are you looking at me for" I ask quickly
"No reason" she and we're both looking at each other now. "Can I ask you something" she says
"Yeah"
"Are yous gonna break up" I just sigh and think about it for a second.
"I haven't really had a chance to think about it"
"Oh ok"
"I mean I don't want to loose her again but this time it's different, it's not just her, it's Kara, it's a family, a life you know it's more than just 3 people who love each other"
"Why won't you speak to her Lee"
"Because she doesn't speak back" I say quietly
"What do you mean"
"The day that she came home and told me about it, I spilled everything I told her how I feel and how it effected me and she just sat there looking at the floor, it's like she's afraid to tell me how she feels and I can't do that Steph I need someone who will listen to me when I speak but who will also speak to me so I can listen"
"Yeah but the reason she didn't speak that day was because she was terrified of losing you and then that happened and I think something clicked in her head then" there was silence for a few seconds
"She's ready to talk to you Leah, she knows she's made a mistake and she wants to fix it"
"I don't know Steph I just feel like this whole relationship is a walking disaster"
"I don't know mate but what I do know is that you both love each other and yous are good together so I'm sure things will work out what ever yous decide to do"
"Yeah" I say taking a deep breath looking at the floor
"Ok I think we should head to bed, we have a long day tomorrow" she says and we both head up to bed to get some well needed rest, but I don't, I can't sleep at all. I don't realise the time until I hear someone nocking at the bedroom door and then Steph comes in. "Morning" she says softly
"Morning" I say with a raspy voice
"How did you sleep"
"I didn't"
"How come"
"I don't know just couldn't"
"Ok, well the car will be here in half an hour so you need to get up"
"Ok I'll get up now" I say as she walk out of the room and I get ip and get dressed in my Engalnd gear. When I walk downstairs I have a few minutes to spare so I grab some fruit before we have to leave. When the car comes me and Steph get in and begin the journey to Saint Georges Park.
We're about 20 minutes away and I start to get increasingly nervous and start bouncing my leg up and down.
"You alright" Steph asks looking over at me
"Yeah" I say fast trying to avoid answering her
"What's wrong Leah"
"I'm just nervous init, haven't seen her in 4 days so I'm kinda panicking"
"Relax Leah ok just look forward to the good things like seeing Kara and getting to play for your county and then watch ever happens after that, just let it happen"
"Yeah I guess" I say as I just try and relax for the remainder of the journey.
When we get to SGP we get out and get our bags and walk to the door. The camera man snaps a few pictures of us before we walk in the door.
When we get in reception is pretty full so I presume that we're some of the last ones here. The minute we walk in I can hear Kara shout my name and I look over to see her running at me. I pick her up and squeeze her tighter than I ever have.
"I missed you mum" she says and I put her down and crouch down in front of her.
"I missed you too" I say as I kiss her cheek
When I stand up she runs back over to Keira and when I look at her we lock eyes, I can see the rings under her eyes which indicate that she hasn't had much sleep and she look really tired as-well.
"Hiya Lee you ok" I look up and see Jordan smiling
"Hi jord how are you"
"I'm good you"
"Yeah I'm alright" I say looking at the ground
"You sure" she asks as she put a hand on my shoulder
"Yeah" I say looking up and smiling at her
"Ok girls meeting in the conference room now" we hear Sarina shout so we all start moving.
When we get in I sit in between Demi and Millie Bright.
"Hi Leah" Millie says jokingly as she pushes my shoulders playfully
"Hi Mill" I say back in the same tone
"You look knackered"
"Millie" Demi shouts scolding her for her forwardness and we all pay attention to Sarina who starts her talk.
After she's finished talking about our plan for camp she moves on to roommates. She calls my name and I prepare myself for the worst but am extremely relieved when I hear Demi's name next. I look at her and we both smile. At the end of the meeting Leon tells us we have a stretching / yoga session this evening because a few of us haven't trained in a while. When he's finished we all leave and go to our rooms. Me and Demi walk to our room in complete silence with neither of us knowing what to say.
When we get in we starts unpacking and I can see that she wants to ask me something but I don't says anything.
"Why did you leave" she finally asks
"Leave where"
"Mine and Katie's house"
"I just felt like I was in the way dem, it was nothing against yous and I just needed to be on my own and clear my head"
"Where did you go"
"To the river, I went running"
"Where did you sleep tho because none of us knew where you were"  I stay silent for a second and then say "in my car" I have my head hung low because I don't want to look at her.
"Have you slept in your car for the last 3 nights"
"No I slept at Steph's last night"
"So you slept in your car for 2 nights"
I just hang my head low
"I didn't want to be in anyones way and I thought that if I was in someone's company I would just make them fell like shit as-well and be bringing them down with me"
"Don't ever think like that again ok, I'm always here to help no matter what" she says getting up and giving me a hug.
"Thanks dem"
"So what are you gonna do"
"I don't know" I say as I take a deep breath
"I mean I want to do everything I can to avoid her but then if I do that it's gonna make everything worse and after camp I'll be sleeping in my car for the foreseeable future"
"Can I ask you something, and answer honestly now"
"Yeah"
"Why won't you talk to her"
I stay silent for a few seconds and think about it
"I don't know" I say honestly
"You really should Leah, and I know your probably sick of hearing people tell you that but I genuinely think that this could all be solved with one conversation"
"Yeah" I sat silent for a second before speaking again. "I just don't know how it was blown up so much" Demi stays silent but when I look at her we lock eyes and she says "I think you do Lee" and I nod
"Yeah I do" I say trying to hold back the tears
"Do you want to tell me" she asks softly not wanting to push me and I nod, I stay silent for a minute to try and get rid of the lump in my throat before I speak because I don't want to cry in front of her.
"Because I'm struggling again, and I don't know, I guess it just pushed me over the edge and the same as last time I just pushed everyone away" I say quietly. She puts her hand in my shoulder reassuring me to carry on. "I'm so lost, it's like I wake up and I'm trapped in my mind and every day I'm in a fight with myself trying to get out of it"
"I fell like I'm drowning and I'm screaming but nobody can hear me"
"I just need somebody to hold me, I need her but I'm pushing her away because I'm afraid that if I tell her I'm struggling that it will be too much for her to handle and she'll walk away, and then the whole Lucy situation on top of everything just broke me and I had to get away" I say as a single year rolls down my cheek.
"It's ok Lee" she says as she pulls me into a hug and then I completely break down. When I finally calm down we pull away and she looks me in my eye and say. "It's alright not to be alright, we all gets little lost sometime, look Lee I'm not the best with giving advice but I do remember you telling me that last time you didn't speak to a professional because it made you feel weak but what if you speak to the team psychologist"
"No no I'll be fine, yeah I'm fine" I say defensively getting up and moving towards the door
"I'm gonna go get a coffee" I say awkwardly pointing to the door
"Leah I'm sorry I didn't mean it...." I cut her off by saying "don't worry about it dem honestly, do you want anything from Starbucks"
"No I'm good" she said softly
"Ok I'll see you later" I say as I walk out of the room and stroll to the Starbucks in SGP. I meet a few staff members along the ways and we share a cheerful hello as I try my best to hide my real emotions.
"Hi, am can I get a latte please" I say as the barista starts making the coffee. When she's finished making it she hands it to me and I pay before I leave the shop. I have roughly and hour to kill before our yoga session and I'm already ready so I decide to go for a walk. I walk around the ground of SGP for about 10 minutes until I sit on a nearby bench watching the under 21 mens team. I sit there for about 5 minutes until I can hear a group of girls laughing so I look up and see Keira, Katie Zelem, Ella Toone, Ellie Roebuck and Georgia Stanway all out for a walk. "Hiya Leah" Ella says as she sees me and walks over so the girls follow her. "Hey Ella how are you" I ask looking at the ground
"I'm good how are you"
"Yeah I'm alright"
"What you doing"
"Just got a coffee and came for a walk" I say lifting up my coffee cup.
"Why are you on your own, why don't you join us"
"Thanks for the offer but I'll pass this time, I must give my mum a ring" I say trying to think of an excuse.
"Alright well, we'll see you soon" she says as they starts to walk away. Keira waits for them all to be ahead of her before she turns around and gives me a faint smile so I give one back before looking at the ground. They all walk away and I stay sitting there for about half and hour until I have to start making my way back for our stretching session. On the walk back I can't stop thinking about what Demi says and I eventually decide that I'm going to go to the team psychologist and ask her can we have a chat. When I get back into SGP I have about 10 minutes left until our session so I decide to go to Sarah's (psychologist) office. I nock and hear her say come in so I do. "Hi Leah how are you"
"Hi Sarah, yeah I'm alright you"
"Yeah I'm good, so what can I do for you"
"Am, I was just wondering if maybe I can have a chat with you later on this evening, I have a stretching session in about 10 minutes and then I'm off for the rest of the evening"
"Of course yeah, am Sarina has told us that your session will run until 6:00 and if it suits I can fit you in at 6:20"
"That's perfect"
"Ok I'll see you then Leah"
"Thanks Sarah" I say as I walk out of the office and down to the session even tho I'm a few minutes early. "Someone's eager" Leon our assistant coach says. "No I'm just bored" I say jokingly and we both laugh. I grab some resistance bands and a foam roller and head over to my mat. I sit on my phone and wait for the rest of the girls to come in.