Feral : Bellamy Blake

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I sat in a tent provided with my legs crossed and my hands clung tightly onto a fur coat handed to me after I had been found and stitched back up. There was a salvaged cracked mirror and I sat staring at it. I finally inched closer and dropped the coat, pulling off my shirt and staring at my naked torso. I don't remember my body being like this.

I got in a lot of fights, sure. I killed a few, sure but I didn't realise I had killed this many. I didn't realise I had been through this much.

I looked from the black bruises tainting my stomach, back and arms to the scars along my body. I counted my kills : 65. I looked at my tattoo and compared it to how it used to be. It had gone green along the edges with age and bits were missing from where I had been cut or skin had worn off. I looked at the fading scars on my face and wondered what battle I had been in to earn them. There was a scar on my forearm that brought me memory. Messy ones that didn't make sense but I remember smiling after the injury. I remember Rajah being there and I remember throwing something wet.

I sighed at myself and pulled my shirt on again. There was no point in dwelling on the past that never existed.

I grazed my finger over the scar on my neck,

"What have you done?" Anya crouched across from me with a pain so deep in her eyes it dug a hole inside me.

"What do you mean? Look, I'm sorry okay? I didn't stop like I said I would-"

"Do you not know what you have done?" She cut me off, the pain only growing on her sharp features.

"No? Would you mind explaining why you're looking at me like that?" I frowned, pushing myself up.

She stayed silent but stood, leaving the room and not being able to look me in the eye as she did.

I stumbled after her but the gate slammed in my face. "ANYA! Where are you going?!"

Tolé the village marker came striding in with his glowing red rod and I fell back, pushing myself away from him.

"You're sister wants you banished, she's just being weak because she can't take your life." He growled, nearing me and shoving a hand against my throat.

I choked and gripped his arm with my comparably small hands and tried my hardest to push him away.

He pushed me into the ground and held tight onto my jaw with a knee in my chest and plunged the metal on to my throat, a scream immediately erupting from my lips.

I pulled my finger away. I knew it was another memory but it felt so unreal almost like a dream. I liked the one I got with a deep voice that rippled through my core. It comforted me through my sobs when I looked myself over for the first of many times.

It sounded sweet like honey fresh from a hive and it rolled off the back of my mind like water rolling off a waterfall. First all I could remember was the word "Wow" in that distinctive voice. Then there was my voice. We were talking, almost casually but there was an undeniable tension between the voices. "No matter what those marks on your body mean or look like, I know that you're a beautiful person."

The voice reminded me of lips against each other. My lips. And his lips.

It delighted me but just the same it made me frustrated. I couldn't figure out who it was. Being around the few that have found their way over to me, I hadn't heard that voice at all.

The tent flapped behind me but I kept my gaze down as I dropped my hand from my lips.

"We're moving out in the morning." Octavia told me.

Other than Lincoln and the strange healer woman, Octavia had been the one to approach me the most of all people. I nodded slowly, expecting her to leave me but I heard no such movement.

She moved around and sat across from me to my left, the sharp end of her blade dropping to the ground. "Do you remember me?"

I shook my head.

I felt like I should, I really did and I was trying but it got so frustrating I just wanted to burst into tears and stomp my feet. Of course none of that happened but the idea of those childish actions was very appealing.

"You saved my brother's life once. You saved our friend Jasper's life. He's your friend too." She talked on without regarding me. "You fought a battle with us, withstood a sickness with us. You were - are one of us."

I tilted my head to look at her. "I want to believe you. I really do but I'm too selfish a person to have done any of that." I sighed again and stood up, picking up the coat and pulling it over my shoulder. "Things just don't add up with everything I'm remembering. It feels like I'm remembering someone else's life."

I didn't know why I was saying so much to her but it was out there and I figured it might get her off my back.

"I hope you remember soon. I miss you." She said subtly as I turned out of the tent.

The new and banished me apparently saved lives and fought with people she barely knew.

I spun around and nearly crashed into her as she trailed out behind me. "Did you say Jasper?" I asked. Images like flash cards sifted through my mind.

"Y-yeah, do you remember him?"

I was excited about my quickly gained memory but I didn't show it. I was too worn to be able to. "I know him."

She barely smiled and nodded, a hope shining in her eyes.

I left her and entered the commander's tent like she had requested before but decided on ignoring. A heated argument seemed to had just finished between the blonde and Lexa when I entered. Clarke stepped away from the commander and brushed past me, giving me a nod on the way out.

Lexa cleared her throat and moved to her table, pouring a drink of water. "You're late."

"I am." I mumbled, standing motionless at the door. "What did you want, Lexa."

She was my sister's second once, she had my respect, she still does but I didn't make it a habit of showing it.

"When we fight tomorrow, I want you on my side." She looked me over, she didn't mean her side and the sky people's side. She meant her side exclusive.

I was relieved that she was wordlessly pardoning me for the cause of my banishment. I was accepted into my home that I didn't remember leaving. "Aren't you going to tell me to stay back and recover? I am crippled with memory loss after all."

"I've known you long enough Cora, you're angry and you want people dead." Her lip twitched into a small smile. "I won't stand in the way of that fire."

I smiled. It was cold and hollow but it was the only smile I had managed since this morning.

"Thank you, commander." I dipped my head

"It's good to have you back, Cora." She returned the gesture.

I pushed out of the tent and back into the night. Breathing in the sharp cold into my raw lungs. It hurt like hell but the only way to overcome it was by getting used to it.

Out of no where I thought of Echo. We used to train along side each other, we fought together and sometimes against each other. People would say that we were the same and that apparently made us the perfect match. Things did escalate from friendship and things did end. For reasons unknown she grew fond of me. She fell in love with me.

I never understood how it was possible and I distanced myself. I was incapable of love, and if I couldn't love someone like her I couldn't love anyone else. She was my closest friend and partner but I couldn't open myself up to the idea of letting someone in like that. The concept terrified me.

And now I stood there understanding why. Because no matter the amount of happiness I felt, it would always end in pain.