Mosaicked Feelings

XXVII: You're Always Alone

Hayden's words struck me right after he departed.

There was a spiral of thoughts in my mind, all that directed towards only one person, Edward.

How I had been hypnotised so much through his tricks, it had blinded me from my needs. I had forgotten I needed to live a normal social life. I had apparently become so dependent on him because he fulfilled everything I thought I might've needed elsewhere.

And how Edward was probably trying to pry into my personal stuff -- which might've been for threatening purposes as Hayden had put it -- and for all the wrong reasons, and yet how insanely good he was on putting it all behind his perfect-person façade.

And how I just needed to stop obsessing and fretting over making friends and socialising, and that maybe, my inner self wasn't satisfying me enough to not feel lonely in being alone. Yet it all seemed so because I couldn't find myself anymore to accompany me, as a consequence of losing myself to him.

Feigning an exaggerated sigh, I tiredly rolled up from bed, trying to find a distraction that would put my mind to ease, and suddenly busying myself with any university work I had been putting on hold for, seemed like a brilliant idea.

It was a split moment later, that the realisation washed over me of Edward being able to know, see and check what I was doing, and everything in my phone. Just thinking about it was terrifying enough, as I stared at my phone from afar with watchfulness. The mere divulgence of information I was provided by Hayden on account of Edward's hacking capabilities had left me questioning how was this guy the same person who acted all sophisticated with me. I couldn't quite tell how far-fetched or how accurate Hayden was about him, but I knew for a fact that I couldn't deny him, considering I also had these lingering unanswered questions in my mind about things Edward wasn't letting me know. I had nothing to say to oppose Hayden's proposition.

Nevertheless, I somehow managed to pick up my phone with shaky hands, the anxiety already kicking my insides. My eyes caught a few new texts from Edward, and it only worsened my paranoia if it already wasn't.

You're very welcome. I'm glad you love everything <3 :)

I almost grimaced at the casualness of the text, unsure of whether to reply to him or not. After several minutes of contemplation with my fingers hovering over the keyboard, I bit my lip nervously. Breathing out my stress, I decided to block him from everywhere instead, every single account and number there was.

Doing that, I put my phone aside, breathing heavily as if I just ran a marathon -- probably a marathon of thoughts that flickered between my eyes from disturbing flashbacks to Edward's disapproving reaction and all the worst possibilities and outcomes. I tried hard to keep myself relaxed but failed miserably. The stinginess in my eyes had already begun, as I sniffed loudly, wrapping my arms around my body, while I stared into the distance unseeingly.

After what felt like an hour of feeling my thoughts rake against my being, I grabbed my phone again, putting on some light music to calm myself. Despite the nagging thoughts of Edward knowing every action on my phone, I decided to just be brave about it and do whatever I wanted to.

Just to sidetrack myself and to refrain from feeling too much, I grabbed my laptop and all my writing utensils and begun studying and writing my leftover assignments. I typed mindlessly, researching new project ideas on microprocessors that I had been missing out on so much lately.

Several hours passed by, and I yawned, stretching my body, half laying and sitting against the headboard of the bed lazily. Just as I was about to close my eyes, my phone rang, making me instantly jump at the sudden sound of it.

I glanced at my phone wide-eyed for a little too long, making all kinds of worst assumptions. I slowly shifted across my bed, sliding the phone off the nightstand and checking the screen. It was an unknown caller ID.