Mosaicked Feelings

XXXIX: Once Upon a Heartbreak

I had got out of bed early, thanks to my sleeplessness, quite a while before Edward woke up, and distracted myself in my usual routine. I had been skipping university more than usual lately, not having it in myself to go through with even the basics like attendance. Exams were already around the corner, but I didn't have it in myself to be bothered about it. I was sure I was failing, considering all my skipped quizzes, assignments, projects and whatnot.

I had started as the one who'd make assignments for myself and Edward, and now I couldn't even look after myself alone. I was a chaotic mess.

Treading lazily towards the washroom, I ran a quick shower, cleaning myself a little bit, as I lazily ran a razor across my legs and arms. As the water caressed my bare skin, it untangled my nerves, making me feel a little less jittery. I racked my mind for all the possibilities of any advantages and disadvantages of my newly made decision of letting go of him for real this time. I reminded myself of the reasons why I even let him in, in the first place, and that was enough for my indecisiveness to creep up on me.

I couldn't figure out anything else, but all I could think of was to let go and get over him for once and just tackle all my problems alone for a while. Although it would hurt, I convinced myself it was going to be the kind of hurt that was probably for the better, for both of us. It wasn't that I didn't believe his constant promises of changing himself for the better, but that didn't feel like a good enough cue for me to stay. I was feeling paranoid nonetheless, all credits to Hannah's threats and Edward's secretiveness.

After rinsing off the lathered soap on my skin, I hurried and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my dripping-wet body. I clicked the door unlock and was instantly met with eager blue eyes.

"I thought you ran away," He husked, as he rubbed the sleep off from his eyes, whilst taking in my being. It felt like a clench at my heart from his words, suddenly making me want to re-evaluate my decision.

"What if I do?" I said in a distant tone, walking past him, and not meeting his gaze. I made my way towards the cupboard, searching for dry clothes as an excuse not to interact with him. "You know I can't," I added a little more bitterly.

"What happened to you?" I heard his voice turn cold.

I didn't look back at him, taking my clothes, and going back inside the washroom to change. After a while, I came back and Edward remained rooted at the same spot, his keen eyes following me everywhere.

I could tell just by his body expression that he was unhappy with my curt attitude. His phone ringing interrupted the stretching thick silence and he quietly cut it off, instead of receiving it.

I sat on the bed, and he followed me, seating just beside me. I sighed before speaking, not giving much thought to my words. "Edward you don't always need to be there..." It was the only way I could formulate a, 'stay away from me', without sounding inadequate.

"I know but I'll be because I want to," He replied, trying hard to catch my gaze.

I paused for a moment, mentally treading on my words and continued. "But I want a break,"

"Break from what?" The tone of his voice was enough to tell me he wasn't going to be persuaded easily.

"From us." I breathed.

"Why?" He pushed, sounding quite agitated already. "Okay, you know what, I'll block Hannah if that's what's bothering you." He quickly retrieved his phone from his pocket, and I saw him press the block button on her contact right in front of me. "I just want you to communicate, tell me what's going on and I'll fix it,"

"Can we talk about it later? Why do you always have to be so difficult? I just need to be alone," I nearly begged, shakily getting off the bed to keep a hand's distance from him, trying hard to stand my ground. I saw his concerned expression shadow into a dark one, his eyes giving away nothing. "I'm sorry-"