Days of Revelations (Night of Secrets #2)

Chapter 38 - Comfortable With Misery

Adeline

I drive ahead to the diner while Jax and his parents close up Roses in Ink. Before I open the doors, I take a deep breath. Mira might murder me. This is the first time in what feels like forever since I've come to see her. I didn't even bother texting or calling to tell her I'm fine. She probably wants an update, but even if she didn't, coming to see her is long overdue.

I open the door, and the little bell goes off. Mira glances over from the counter and does a double-take. I offer a smile and a shrug. She narrows her eyes, slamming her pen down on the counter.

"Adeline Stargate," she scolds. Oh... full name... she must be pretty mad... "Do you have any idea how worried I've been about you?"

I shrug. "Very?"

Mira scowls as she comes around from behind the counter. "That doesn't begin to cover it." Despite the glare and harsh tone, she pulls me into a tight hug. Her voice softens as she says, "I've missed you."

I return her hug, looking past her at the plants on top of the booths today. Ivies. Affection and friendship. I hug Mira a little tighter. "I missed you, too." I pull away, smiling at her. "Sorry I haven't been coming in. I needed some time to myself."

She smooths my hair down, nodding. "I get it, but I still want to know what's been going on in your life." Her hand pauses. "Sounds like there's a lot you need to tell me."

I nod. We sit at the counter side-by-side. Mira props her head up, giving me her full attention as I tell her most of what's been going on. I try not to explicitly mention how guilt butterflies have invaded my body more so than usual since Jax's suspension. Or about talking to Cyril. Or how jealous and shocked I was when Faye kissed Jax. Or how a part of me regrets breaking up with Jax. And I definitely don't say anything about the hate letters I've been writing to myself.

"Well," Mira sighs, dropping her hand on the counter. "I'm sorry so much has been going on."

"Me too," I laugh, playing with the edges of my bandage.

She narrows her eyes. "So how are things with Jax? You didn't mention him much. You were just at his parents' store, right?" I nod. Mira arches an eyebrow. "And?"

"And we talked." And he hugged me because he knew I needed comfort. And all I wanted to do was stay in his arms for the rest of my life because it felt safe and like I belonged there. "It wasn't awkward like it never is. And we're still friends." Except friends don't make me ache inside in the best way possible.

"Right. Friends." Mira drums her fingers on the counter. "Remind me again why you broke up with him."

I wave her off. "I'm sure you heard it from Jax or the guys."

"I want to hear it from you."

Her eyes are steely, daring me to try and deflect again. I love Mira, but she can be terrifying sometimes. I focus on the ivy plants as I play with my bandage. "I broke up with him because I felt like he cared about me too much. I didn't want him to keep getting into fights and getting hurt because of me."

Mira doesn't respond right away. I feel her gaze pierce through me, her voice is quiet when she talks again, but she might as well be yelling for how intense it is. "Okay... what else?"

I swallow. "I felt like I wasn't doing anything to reciprocate any of it. It felt unfair, and I didn't want him to be stuck with someone that he always protected but couldn't do the same for him."

Mira sighs, taking both of my hands in hers. I meet her eyes. They're not steely anymore, but there's an urgency to her even with the gentleness. Only she could ever pull that off.

"I know you have good intentions," she says, squeezing my hands, "and I know you're doing this because you care about Jax, but you're hurting him, too."

I swallow, looking at the plants again. "I don't want him to be hurt, but he'll keep getting hurt if he cares about me."

"That's not on either of you. It's not either of your faults that people keep trying to hurt you."

I shrug. "But still... Isn't it better for him to be hurt now instead of constantly getting hurt later on because other people target me?"

Mira shakes her head. "No, because the people that target you don't care about you like you and Jax care about each other. And it's worse to be hurt by someone you think cares about you than it is to be hurt by someone you think doesn't. You should know that better than anyone."

I really should, shouldn't I? The guilt butterflies wake up, and I feel nauseous. Already not a good sign for how dinner will go tonight. Especially if Jax might sit next to me.

I pull my hands back and tightly clasp them in my lap. I stare down at them, feeling the back of my eyes burn. My voice quivers ever so slightly, and I hate it. "I don't want to hurt Jax, but I don't want him to keep getting hurt in the future either."

Mira puts her hand over mine. "I know, but it's not even just that he's hurting. I know you're hurting, too." I start to shake my head, but I stop when Mira glares at me. "Don't lie about it." I avert my eyes and dig my nails into my skin. Mira sighs. "You can't keep doing this to yourself."

I look up at her. "Doing what to myself?"

She gives me a meaningful look, slowly but clearly saying, "You can't keep thinking you don't deserve to have people care about you." She pauses, letting that sink in. "And you can't keep pushing away people that care about you."

I blink, a nervous laugh escaping me. "I'm not—"

"You are." She gives me another meaningful look. "You can't keep making yourself comfortable with misery."

I open my mouth to retort, shaking my head, but nothing comes out. I shut it and stare at my hands as static fills my head. Comfortable with misery? What does that even mean? And is that even possible?

Mira sighs and tucks my hair behind my ear. "Tell yourself you deserve better because you do. And Jax is better than what you've had for the last few years. I know you get scared when he gets hurt or in trouble, but that's you caring and wanting to protect him like he cares and wants to protect you. So whatever you may think about yourself, you're a good friend and a good person that deserves that reciprocation. That's what Jax has been giving you. Don't throw that way."

I don't look at Mira, but I nod, letting all that sink in. Her words swirl around in my head, somehow muffled and clear all at the same time. The more I think about it, the heavier my chest feels and the harder it is to breathe. I dig my nails even deeper into my skin to ground myself. But even then, I feel like I'm not here. It's not a Panic Moment. If it was, I would feel anything and everything physical. I'm walking the line between a Panic Moment and... numbness. And whatever side I end up tripping into, I already know the aftermath might as well kill me.

"Adeline..." Mira frowns, her face etched with worry. "Are you okay?"

I nod, swallowing. "Yeah." I take a deep breath and run my sweaty hands down my jeans. "Yeah. I'm just thinking about what you said."

Mira nods. "Keep thinking about it, okay? I think it's something you should consider more often." She lets out a breath, shaking her head. "But I wish it wasn't something you had to question to begin with."

I don't have a response to that. But I don't have to answer because the bell above the door goes off. Jax and his parents walk in. Mira gives me a reassuring smile before disappearing to check on things in the kitchen. I watch the door swing back and forth until it settles again. Once it stops moving, I take a deep breath and turn to the Inkroses.

Guess it's time to face dinner.