Oh, Pineapples.

27: Puzzle pieces.

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"...if my love for you would pay the bills, we'd be the richest in the room,"
- brent faiyaz, all mine

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"Then I'll be the one to leave," I sat upright, pulling the gray fleece up to my chest.

"What?" His voice was still groggy, deep and then I wondered if that was an effect of sex.

Good sex. Unplanned sex. Possibly break up sex.

Break up? We were never together.

"You said, you couldn't leave me even if you tried, right?" I clasped my bra back on, yet my chest was bare and I could see Javadd try to keep his stare away from my breasts. I let him. That would be the last time he would get to see them, anyway.

"So I'll be the one to leave." I threw my hoodie over my head.

The first time I'd ever seen the smallest tinge of hurt in Javadd's eye's was quickly replaced by neutralness when he asked,

"You had an anxiety attack on Monday. Is this what this is about?" He sat upright, but he didn't meet my eye.

"It had nothing to do with you,"

It did, infact.

"Then why did you say that I'm ' unhealthy ' for you earlier?" He put his boxers back on and I could see the muscles on his back flex. My eyes fell on the tatoo on his back again. An unfinished infinity sign.

Good Lord this boys back.

"What does your tatoo mean?"I asked, unable to stop myself.

"If I answer your question honestly, then you have to answer mine as honestly,"

"Okay."

"You see how infinity means forever? I believe nothing is forever, that's why it's unfinished." He explained.

I want to show you that we could be forever, I wanted to say. But all my inner voices disagreed with me. I couldn't keep anyone around me forever, I couldn't even keep my father around me that long.

"Okay. Reasonable."

"Why do you want to leave?" He didn't miss a beat.

"I had an anxiety attack because—because, I'm falling in love with you and it fucking scares me. It fucking terrifies me, okay?" I said, not being able to stop myself.

Falling in love?

I hadn't realized it until that moment, when I said it.

I was falling in love with Javadd. It couldn't be true.

And only upon looking up was when I realized that Javadd was just as shocked as I was, his eyebrows could have been buried in his hairline.

"You're...you are falling in love with me?

I didn't answer him. How could I possibly? Instead, I zip my boots up and and stand up to leave. That's what I wanted to do in the first place.

The silence rings loud in my ear as the words that Javadd had said lay heavy in the air.

"Why does it scare you Jasmine? Falling in love with me, I mean."

I pang of hurt hits my chest when he asks his question.

So he's not falling for me, too? Maybe he wanted to just sleep with me, then?

"You don't trust me, do you?" I can tell by the way his eyes are scanning my face, he is trying to read my mind and answer his questions.

"Javadd, that's not–"

"You don't trust me," he states, his lips in a thin line. His jaw ticked twice. Anger? He's angry? "Who hurt you, Jasmine?" He asks.

I, in turn felt equally angry that he could read my mind so well. Was I an open book to him?

"It happened a long time ago," I sat down, remembering that in this very room, Javadd had also confessed his deepest sadness to me, so maybe I owed him that much.

"I was thirteen, he was 17. He made a bet with his friends that he would fuck me within a month of knowing him, and then guess what? He did. And I didn't even have a gun to my head so I couldn't really play victim." I explained.

His eyebrows furrowed and he had a murderous glare and it wasn't to me." But he took advantage of you. You were just a kid." He started. He took a step towards me.

"Never, ever blame yourself for what happened, do you hear me, Jasmine? Never. He should be rotting in jail."

"Well, he did. But not for that," I could feel tears starting to well up, a storm rising in my chest.

"What did he do Jasmine? I swear to God–" he stopped himself and then I took it as sign to answer his question.

"Umhhh..." my voice started off shaky and I hated it. I couldn't let him see me cry. "He took me out to the skating rink. Well me and his friends, I can say. And then he let one of his friends read my diary out loud, which I thought was the worst thing that could happen," I let out a laugh that was nothing short of humorous.

"And then he dragged me across the ice skating rink while his friends laughed, until I passed out, and then—and then he went on to...he raped me, while I was unconscious," I hiccuped a sob, and then another, until I sighed to calm myself down, but Javadd was already in front of me, enveloping me in a hug, rubbing my back like I wanted him to.

I pulled back and then wiped my tears, recomposed myself to continue telling my story.

"And so, I got pregnant with his baby. My dad had me go to the facilities, against my own will. Of course, I wouldn't have kept it, but I hated having to endure all that, and not being able to make decisions for myself. I hated not being in control of it all. I hate not being in control of how I feel...of how I feel about you. I wasn't— I wasn't supposed to fall for you Javadd."

He watched me, a pained expression on his face because we both knew how this would end, what it meant for the both of us.

"I've been off my antidepressants for about a week now," I chuckled "which by the way, I didn't even know I was taking."

"And it might just be the fact that I'm not taking those pills anymore but what I do know is that I am too broken Javadd. I have issues just like you have issues." I stepped forward and cupped his face.

"We're like two puzzle pieces, you and I. But puzzle pieces can't really fit together if one of them is kinda broken, right?" I smiled at him.

The saddest smile is ever smiled in my life. There's a first for everything, I guess.

He rested his forehead on mine. "Jasmine, please." I heard him murmur.

"Don't leave like this," I could hear the pain in his voice which felt like a dagger to my heart.

"This is me, being in control. For once in my life."

"Jasmine,"

"Goodbye, Javadd." I kissed on the birthmark on the side of his nose that I have always liked so much. I put my hands in his and then lifted them to my face, kissing his knuckles once, twice.

Those fingers.

"I'll get an Uber," I didn't dare look at his face because I knew as soon as I would, I'd end up changing my mind.

I was the one to leave, I said to myself as I looked out the window of the vehicle that took me back home, where for once I knew would make me feel better.

***
hey loves🖤

so, intense chapter, was it not? I'm not really confident this is the best chapter I've written, but I'm happy you've made it this far.

do you think Jasmine is making the right decision? what do you think is gonna happen now?

don't be a silent reader, comment, vote share :)

kisses and pineapples
—nicole<3