Unravel | Jeverus

Part 16

( TW: s3lf h@rm thoughts)

If he's being honest, Severus has no fucking clue how to help James. He was just as broken, just as tired and just as scarred as he was and he didn't know what to do.

Sitting in the infirmary waiting room to see if James had calmed down has become a weekly routine. Spending the night because he's scared James will hurt himself was normal.

He didn't have time to himself. He didn't have time to feed his bad habits and addictions, he couldn't lock himself alone in the bathroom or brewing room for hours like he used to. He had to be there for James but it felt like he was lying to everyone around him.

He cant help James the way he needs it and he knows. He's not as good as Sirius Black and he isn't as comforting as Lily.

He's just.....him.

" Fuck." He cursed and stepped back. He had zoned out and now the sink was full of red dots, the blood dripping down the sides of the basin.

He didn't bother wiping his arms, letting streams flow down like he usually did. He let it go until he felt dizzy, until the stinging faded away and all that was left was red.

He let his skin get inflamed and didn't even hiss when the pain shot through his hands. He watched the razor fall into the sink and let out a shaky breath.

15.

The cuts were unintentionally deeper than before, the open window letting cold air flow through the bathroom.

He finally turned on the faucet and washed the sink, letting water run over the cuts so the blood washed away.

When he was done he simply did a drying spell and walked to the window, pulling a fresh pack out of his back pocket.

The wizarding world didn't have muggle cigarettes but his scummy father sends him a pack every once in a while. It was the only thing they had in common and it fed Severus' need for the burning sensation in his lungs.

The taste was bitter, almost salty. He hated it but if he went a few weeks without it, it was worse.

He knows he isn't perfect, far from it. Scars all down his body, an illusion charm that he has at all times. He wears it as a bracelet and nobody has noticed, not even Charms specialist Lily herself.

He lit the cigarette and held it between his teeth, putting his wand away before taking a long drag.

Severus has never been okay. He'll never be okay and he's come to terms with that. He will suffer like this for the rest of his life he thinks.

His mother had it, his father has it, it's only fair Severus does too. If he didn't then that's one cruel joke on his parents huh?

" Snape? You in there? I need to wash my hands." Mulciber knocked on the door and Severus sighed.

" The door's unlocked." He yelled back after a few moments and the lock clicked open as soon as Mulciber touched the handle.

The door swung open and shut just as fast, his roommate walking to the sink and sighing.

" Again?" He asked and Severus nodded, more smoke coming out through his nose.

" Did your father send you a new pack?" He pointed out the obvious and turned on the sink, washing away the droplets of dried blood Severus had neglected.

Mulciber was the only person Severus didn't hide from. He was absolutely evil and he knows it. That dude wouldn't be above selling his soul to the devil but that's what made it perfect.

He's so evil he didn't have time to give a fuck about Severus' shitty behavior.

" Mind sparing one?" Mulciber asked and wiped his hands on a towel while walking towards Severus.