Better as Bones

guts in my body - III

Briar

 I didn't think of much when I saw Avalynn pace the halls. Her face being held together with her quivering hands. Hair strung itself through her fingers, digging deeper into her scalp and cheeks.

The throne room was dark when I saw her through the slit in the door. I still had access to the servants' halls. My eyes flicked to her immediately. She stood alone in the dark room, the thrones looming over her like disapproving parents. That much I know. I've stood near her in the past few days.

My fingers traced the etches in the wood. Splinters pricked my fingertips. I pressed forward, my chest flush to the door.

Avalynn sobbed, her body shaking. I could make out the silhouette of her body, the long draping of her skirts and the rips at the bottom.

I hummed before turning and hurrying through the airless halls.

That was when the sun was rising. That was when Queen Roux of Maylea died.

I was not privy to the witnessing of her death. I was ordered by Hadron to stay out of things, albeit close. I have been searching for Bastet in the moments he allows me to leave the palace.

I don't know how I should feel about Bastet now. Or if the bugs in my gut were supposed to leave with the blood and algid. They're out there somewhere, too stubborn to leave but too scared to take sight. Bastet is like that. Or the Bastet I know.

Bastet wants to be feared but fears. They won't admit it. But I can recognize the hunger in their eyes when they learn new power. When their myth grows, they can add one more danger to their name. I've seen it in Hadron's eyes. I've seen it in my own. I think Bastet and I are different. I want out.

And now I don't know how I'm supposed to do that. So I grip the dagger tighter in my palm as I inhale. My eyes trace the door. It's cracked ever just, harsh light pushing out. Clatters echo from inside.

I push open the edge of the door with my toe. Hardon stands there, eyes drooping and arms littered with tiny pin-prick bruises. Flare had to learn his habit from somewhere, after all.

Avalynn was hysterical at sunrise in the face of her mother's death. Bastet was hysterical in the face of those they saw as abusers. I am hysterical in the face of my own death. And Hadron? In the face of all his work, gone.

All the hours spent pouring over data and dead bodies. All the pain he forced upon those who once saw the sun. And for all that, stripped away like a bandage to a healing wound, he's back in the open, beating and bleeding.

His eyes flick up to me, his breath labored as he lays down his head. His skin is clammy and slicked with sweat. I feel no remorse for his state. A smile creeps out my teeth.

"Briar," He draws my birth name with a bite of venom. I grit my teeth. His hands grip the table. I can feel the sting on my face. On my arms. On my legs. I can feel the blood dripping from my ear. I can feel the knife pressed into my wrist.

"Do you even know Roux died?" Hadron lifts his head, his eyes fliting to me.

"Did she now?" He chuckles. I scoff, sweat dripping between the creases of my palms. Hadron smiles softly, his head thumping back down against the table. I pinch my lips together to stop their quivering. He's never going to see me the way I see–saw–him.

"I quit." My voice is steady. Hadron doesn't lift his head. Bites litter my palms as I squeeze tighter.

"It doesn't matter. There's no point to continue," he mumbles. My vision flickers dark before blinding me. That's it? All that suffering for one measly 'it doesn't matter'? What was the point in all of this then?

"What about the knowledge you always went on about? Does that not matter now?" I press, my voice peaking in hysteria. Hadron lifts his gray eyes above his arm, sinking them deeper into his head. His eyelids lay easy.

Hadron straightens his spine, each vertebrae clicking into place. He grins smugly, his eyes glued to me.

"Ha!" He pipes. Hadron pulls his head down, a laugh engulfing his chest. My feet move me back. "Ha! Don't be ridiculous." His voice dims.

A frown pulls on my lips, my feet dragging me back. My eyes flicker to Hadron, his hands covering his stomach as he laughs darkly.

My feet send explosions through my head as I drag my palm against the slick wall. Laughter echoes as I scale the stairs, my head mimicking the cobwebs and dust. They fill my lungs as I make to an exit. I still at a door, voices echoing around the servants hall.

What will I do with my life now? I spent so long under Hadron, so long pining for an escape I never thought would happen. I push open the exit, stepping into the forest. I stand at the side of the palace. I look to my left. Trees and trees.

My feet take me towards the forest. Towards the voices of Mayleans oblivious to my existence. It feels all familiar, dragging myself through streets filled with people going about their days, blinking against the blinding sun.

My escape was due to Bastet. They were the key to me leaving hell.

"What the fuck?" I mumble, stopping in the street. People move around me. They brush against my sides.

This is cruel. My heart is still pounding at them in my thoughts. I wanted to leave and Bastet did. They just wanted to live a peaceful life and instead they became someone they would hate. They became me....That is if I could keep my guts in my body. Did Bastet...become worse?

No, no they couldn't have. Bastet is too good. They're exactly like their eyes and exactly how I know them now.

God, maybe I should just find Odessa. He would know if I'm being emotional. He would tell it to me straight. Why am I even still thinking of him? He hates me. He hates me and I deserve it. I deserve that suffering.

Maybe I do deserve all the pain I will ever feel but I know for damn sure that Bastet doesn't. Odessa would see that, right? Roux or no Roux that doesn't take away from the fact that Bastet is somewhere in Maylea right now suffering just as much as I am.

I pull myself away from the crowd, rubbing my face. I drop my head against a corner of a building. My body half rolls into the alley. A voice echoes from inside. I furrow my eyebrows, my feet leading me inside.