Better as Bones

bud and bloom - XX

Bastet

The silence of the Meadow seems strange now that my head is so tumultuous. It's all laid with the shadow of night, the bonfire ablaze and people gathered. End of summer air, the cool type with a hint of life and smell of sickly sweet honey of wildflowers, chills my bones. It ruffles the leaves and tall grasses adoringly.

From my spot in the treeline, up above the hill, I can spot people milling about by the bonfire. It burns ochre. Voices echo to my ears. I find my eyes flicking downward. I can't hear the words they speak but the tone is joyful. Some friends are having fun. Some lives are being filled with joy.

They don't know everything is wrong. They don't know.

Are they even supposed to know? No, I wouldn't think so...but something so big others have to be aware of, right? This huge thing, it's taken my life by a chokehold and refuses to let go. Something so big has to be known. It has too.

I step down the hill, into the grass. They brush my elbows as I hurry down. My feet quicken pace as I descend into the Meadow. I head straight to the cottages.

The thinly sliced moon hardly spares light for me. I squint as I step onto the cobbled pathway. My eyes search the banners.

Everything is soaked in shades darker than day's. The milky plaster of the cottages mud-stone is doused in that deep-sea navy. The roofs are more soil than dust.

Nobody is on the street besides a girl a few feet ahead. But she's preoccupied by a person inside a cottage. They lean out the window to speak. The girl laughs as I pass her by.

I stop, the laughter ringing in my ears.

Ixora's banner waves above the door. The gardens front are trimmed. The deeper colors swim in the flower's bud and bloom. I frown, my face scrunching in.

"Holy shit." I turn, everything in my entire body dropping. Mars stands in front of me, rounding the corner of Ixora. They stand there, hands spread outward slightly. Their eyebrows are drawn up, eyes widened and mouth pulled down. Their face tightens up, fighting tears.

I keep my eyes on them as my vision goes blurry again. I blink. No tears fall. My eyes stay blurry.

"BASTET!" Mars half-sobs, voice loud. They bound forward, stopping briefly before me. "Bastet, where have you been?"

I hesitate, Mars's eyes bearing into me. Their hair is tousled from shock, clothes baggy over their body. I can't tell the colors. Mars waves a hand.

"Nevermind, how's Avery and Quarry? Where are they? Are you all going to visit soon? Are you going to stay? Wait no, wait, are you okay?" Mars grips my shoulders. If I could see most of their face I would say they're concerned, but all I need is their eyes to know.

"I'm fine," I murmur. Mars exhales quietly. They shake their head, letting me go.

"I was worried when Ota said you guys just decided to leave, but I'm happy you're all okay," Mars says, smiling timidly. "To be honest I was really worried." I frown as they continue talking. I strain to listen, but the words just flow over me.

Mars...doesn't know. And if Mars doesn't know nobody does, not even Ota. No one knows about what a terrible person I am. How I did that to Roux, how Avery is Queen, how Quarry is kidnapped as we speak.

Did I live like this? How did I live this disattached? I lived in my own world like Mars, or Ixora or those whispering kids.

"Do you know where Milo is?" I ask Mars. Mars stops talking, dropping their hands a little. They hesitates.

"The Sky instructor? Uh, I think he's out or sleeping. It's still pretty early." I turn to the field where I can see the glow of the bonfire.

"What time is it?" I ask them. Mars hums.

"Probably only an hour to sunrise. I got up early to help with the gardens. Elowin asked me to tend to the gourds." They sigh, their body crumpling slightly.

"What about those kids at the bonfire?" I ask them. Mars hums again.

"Probably all-nighters. There was a celebration last night for a holiday some people at the Meadow celebrate, so Lady Sorrel was up with them by the bonfire. She went back to her place early though. I think it was Cassius or Xi who stayed up with them. Anyway, Milo's probably sleeping. But I'd check the Meadow first." I nod. Now I can see it, the slight break of dawn. A shallow in the deep. The splintering dawn scatters across the darkened sky. I hum, turning back around to Mars.

"Thanks for the help," I tell them. Mars frowns.

"You're staying, right? You can always bunk in Ixora. You probably have to get away before the coronation." They furrow their eyebrows as they look at me. I shake my head, turning back around to the sky.

"What?" My eyes unfocus. I strain to get them clear.

"The new Queen's coronation. Apparently the runaway princess came back. It's in a few days. I'm sure Avery wouldn't be so big on fancy parties like that," Mars says. My breath hitches. I fight against it, forcing myself to continue.

Avery's becoming Queen. She's going through this huge thing...without me or Quarry. I shouldn't expect to be included in her life. I don't deserve it.

"I should probably leave as soon as I find Milo." I feel bad about lying, but I have no idea what I'm going to do when I find Milo. Somehow we need to make a plan and I have no idea how much he'll hate me when I tell him. It's best though if Mars doesn't hold out hope. It's best if word dies before it's born. I can't risk Lady Sorrel knowing I'm in the Meadow. We...I still have no idea why she was talking behind my back.

"Thanks, Mars," I say, blinking as I walk towards the field. I don't hear footsteps after me, and I don't look back to see the hurt I know is on Mars's face.

I just focus on the path ahead. If I can drown out the voice in my head with the thunder of my footsteps then maybe I can muster the strength to do this. But the sky's so blinding against my eyes and the blur of haze that has become a part of my days just makes it worse. I can't see up in the clouds the way I used to. I can't admire those faraway shapes.

Grass brushes at my calves. I feel the ground beneath me, eyes still fixed on the blinding sunrise. I sit down in the dewy grass.

I can't see from the haze. Instead of searching, I'll wait.