Better as Bones

mother - XXI

Briar

Basil hurries, hands waving frantically as they search for the crown. Avalynn laughs, eyes sparkling as Basil trips over a roll of parchment. They rub their head, pink blooming on their face. Avalynn is happy. For the first time I've ever seen.

"I promise it's here!" Basil says, jumping up. They push papers off a table in the frenzy of the search. Avalynn turns towards me.

My chest has stopped hurting. The emptiness is back. I can hardly fake a grin.

"You think it's somewhere strange?" Avalynn jokes. "Basil!" Basil shoots up, paper crumpled in between their fingers. Avalynn laughs, her fingers twisting with her stomach fabric.

It's something strange, to see her laugh. Everything that's happened melts away. Only the joy of the moment swims in her brain. It's enough to submerge everything else, muddling their hue. Her grin isn't a grimace. Her laughter isn't shrieks of pain. In her mind, I am not the one who stabbed her. Right now, I am not her greatest enemy.

I am just some advisor. One who knows.

"Wait!" Basil shouts, hurrying to a connected room. Shuffles echo into the dirtied main room, dulled by chuckles. Basil runs out, the newly altered crown glistening in their hands. With delicate fingers Basil stops before Avalynn. She ducks down as they nimbly rest the crown on her brow.

The dewdrop of opal glimmers beneath the setting sun, resting on her brow. Her gray eyes turn, looking at the jewel. Basil snorts as Avalynn pushes out her arms to hold her balance. Basil takes her arm, steadying her. Avalynn glances down, grinning.

"Basil, it is brilliant," She says, her eyes meeting theirs. Basil chuckles, waving their hand swiftly as they turn away.

"Aw, Avalynn, you're too kind, truly. I just made tiny adjustments for her highness." Basil grins, cheeks pink, back to Avalynn. Wow these idiots. Can I think that?

"It's perfect, Basil. It fits just like something of my own," She says, poking at the opal. Basil faces back towards Avalynn, grinning clumsily. Avalynn chuckles, her lips pressed in. She turns to me, eyes alight. "What do you think, Thorn?"

I wince. Just as my namesake it pierces my lungs. I press my lips together in a thin smile.

"It's good," I say, nodding. Avalynn nods along with me, turning back to Basil.

"See, I told you!" She hits Basil's arm, laughing. Basil turns, chuckling along with her. I stand there, my mouth falling. I can't do this for one more second. I can't smile. I can't pretend. I can't stand here and watch Avalynn and Basil act like this. Like they've known each other for years, like they're all they need to be happy. Like they get each other.

Their smile flashes in my eyes.

Where is Bastet? Are they okay? Please let them be okay.

"Thorn, was it?" Basil asks, turning to me. I blink, looking back with big eyes. "I was wondering if you'll be at the ceremony too?"

"The coronation?" I ask. Basil nods. "Yes." Basil lights up, spinning on their heels. They hold up a finger, instructing me to wait.

"If you'd like," They start, grabbing a pencil and tape. "I can make you something." They stop in front of me, eyes wide as their smile. I smile sadly, nodding. Basil nods back, their eyes flicking down to my pressed lips. Do they notice the tremble?

They remind me so much of Bastet before I did all those horrible things. They're too good.

"If you'd like, I can make you jewelry? Earrings? Necklaces? I bet I could convince her Highness to allow you a crown yourself." Basil turns to Avalynn. Avalynn scrunches up her nose, crossing her arms in defense.

"Guerrero's only," Avalynn says, humor in her tone. Basil sighs, drooping with their expressions. "Besides, royalty sucks."

"Says you," Basil pokes. I nod to humor them, as they close the gap between them smaller. Basil laughs as Avalynn grabs onto their arm. She stifles her laughter as Basil turns back to the messy tables. "Are you nervous?"

"For the coronation?" Avalynn asks. Basil nods. Avalynn's eyes avert. "I am not sure I know." I tug my dress, the fabric pulling tight across my bones. My feet shift, taking my body to the wall. Neither of them notice as I lay my head against the surface.

"I would be," Basil says. The jasper light leaks into the room. It spills over Basil and their papers, lighting their golden hair ablaze. Their green eyes seem duller in the orange.

Avalynn looks down.

"I would feel better if certain things were better," She says. Basil focuses on her. "But they are not. And I cannot change that. So I guess I am okay for now. It is alright though, because I hate who I wish was here."

"Your mother?" Basil asks. Avalynn glances up, her face veiled. She nods, a slim smile spreading on her lips.

"Yes," She lies. I don't know how Avalynn sees her mother, and I don't intend to find out. It's not like she would tell me if I asked, anyway. But I know lies. I know liars. I know how to see the fickle sense of hurt deep in the eyes. I know that hesitant smile. I have worn it many times.

"I wish it the same," I mumble. Avalynn and Basil turn to me, their eyes pressing in like brands. I keep my vision steady. "It's only a few more days until the coronation. Might as well write off the past and forget the future for a moment and indulge in the present. Her Highness is right. Wishing for difference won't make it true."

"Indulge?" Basil echoes. I nod. What am I saying? My lips feel heavy. My words are desperate.

"In what?" Avalynn asks, an eyebrow raised. I shrug.

"Whatever you want." She exchanges a look with Basil. They're brimming with confusion. "It will make the pain of right now subside for a moment." I turn, my hand waving over the room. "When you figure out the want, come find me."

I close the door, my back pressed against. My face is hot. It's so so hot. Pierces of pain dot across my cheeks as my fingernails dig in. Why did I just do that? What made me think I could? I just told Avalynn the worst advice ever. She's going to hate me even more now. Fuck.

I exhale warmth on my hands. I just said all of that to distract myself from what I am feeling. And I know it too.

My feet take me away from the room, down the corridors until I reach my own. The sun dips below my window, the cool of night washing over. I peel away the dress, my hands sweaty as I go into the bathroom. I rummage through the drawers, the building sob in my chest turning to a throb.

"Fuck," I hiss, gritting my teeth. I slam the undersink drawer, sliding down to the cool floor. There's nothing sharp. There's nothing that can take away what I'm feeling.

"Can you please leave?" I whisper as I press my face into the cool touch of the marble. The ache in my chest stays. It flutters.

I was okay with the numbness, I thought. It kept me safe, right? So why is it so painful now? Just the smallest emotion, the one I yearned for, the crazed blindness of feeling is back, and now I don't want it? In what way does that make sense?

I chuckle, tears slipping out of my eyes. My legs feel heavy on each other as I shift, my arms reaching forward on the ground.

If Avalynn was to find me now, I don't think I could stand it. Come find me, I told her. And I go to lay on the floor, only dressed in undergarments to wish for something but I don't know what? This is humiliation burning on my face, isn't it? How could I ever think this is okay? To think I am okay?

I don't want this anymore. I don't know how to stop.