Better as Bones

swarmed - XXXIV

Bastet

I used to like feeling like this. I used to like feeling unstable and filled with the adrenaline of danger. Is it weird now that I hate it? I...I don't want my friends to hate me anymore. I don't want to be scary or strong anymore. I thought that my stars would finally satisfy that need. I thought they'd make me important and strong. They just hurt people I care about. They just hurt me.

But I miss them. I miss their soft glow and I miss the feeling that swarmed my body when I used them. I miss the sparkling eyes of others when I told them I figured out something new.

Why did they disappear then? I know they hurt me but I'm willing to be constantly bleeding from my chest if it means being important. I'm willing to be in pain if it means having the comfort of knowing I'm a Gold-Eyed. As long as my friends don't get hurt. Just place all the pain on me, please. I'll be okay, I can figure it out somehow. I just need that.

The hall I'm in is dark. Only the warmth of candlelight flickering every few feet allows me to see.

This might be the only chance I get to find the library. I have to see if they have Myth Theory books. My stars become small and dim. They rival a fingernail now. Maybe I'm not important after all. Maybe Gold-Eyes aren't some grand thing to be. Maybe we're just more alone for that.

My hand stops tracing the bumpy plaster on the wall. My vision flickers out. I bite my cheeks, struggling with my breath.

Through the haze I can only see two warm glows. Candlelight on the wall. My vision flicks clear for a moment. I whip my head around frantically. My fingernails digging into the plaster.

I push myself up from the floor, clinging to the wall, knees pressing blood into the floorboards. I heave. The feeling of my eyes moving in my head makes my stomach lurch. Or maybe it's my stars. Where are they? I can't see them?

Tears blur my vision. They wet my cheeks without permission.

My stars are gone? They–they can't be gone. They can't be gone. I–I was just going to fix it. I was just going to fix me and now they're gone? No, no they have to be here...

"Agh." I heave, my throat burning. I grasp the wall, my fingers curling in. I can't breathe? Where are my stars? I—

My body collapses on the floor. Scratches sting on my cheeks. A sob escapes my teeth. I grasp at the floorboards, scrambling. My body's too heavy. I hurt too much.

* * *

Footsteps echo throughout the hall as I push myself up. My eyes and throat burn red. The back of my hand comes away snotty as I wipe my face. The footsteps near. I press my back against the wall, closing my eyes. Whatever or whoever finds me down here is up to whatever cruel universe decided my fate. I can't fight.

"Get up," Avery's voice orders. I can't move my body. "What are you, dead? Get up." A groan forms in my chest. My palms press flat into the biting plaster. My legs are as good as spring leaves. I struggle. With heavy eyes I gaze at Avery.

Her arms are crossed as she glares at me. She's still in her coronation gown.

My knees buckle. I grip onto the wall. Avery jumps to catch me, allowing me to cling onto her arm to stand. She scoffs as I meet her eyes.

"Thank you," I whisper in a hoarse voice. Avery's eyes avert mine.

"Yeah whatever," She grumbles. Avery tugs on my arm. We start to walk towards where her footsteps originated. Avery's arm goes slack. I wobble to stay upright.

I catch my feet, head ducked down as Avery walks beside me. My eyes trace the spot where the floorboards and plaster meet. I stop as the plaster folds into itself on a hook on the wooden floor. Avery continues without me.

"It's okay," I murmur, half-hoping Avery doesn't hear, "if you hate me now." Avery stops. She focuses on the ground.

"I do," She says. I whip my head up. My hand grasps at my chest. I feel...hollow? Like a cavern just opened up in my chest. Like a sinkhole is consuming me whole. "I do hate you....I'm angry and I hate you. I ran away for a reason, Bastet. Just like you. And I hate my Mother but she was still my Mom. And I do not know how to feel because I am happy she is no longer in my life but still I shedded tears? I cannot forgive you for your part in her death."

Part?

The hazy eyes return. Tears spill down my cheeks as I nod, my hands tucking into my jacket. Avery nods, continuing to walk. She never even looked at me.

I'm giving up on those books.