Allegro con fuoco

XXVIII

His fingers were shaking as he hung up the phone with John and as he prepared to dial again. But then he suddenly found himself hollering. 
"Todd!"
It only took Todd a couple of seconds to burst through the door.
"Yeah?"
"Please sit with me."
Todd's eyebrows raised high, the question marks bursting out of his eyes, but he said nothing, he just paced over and sat down on the foot of the bed, next to Eddy. Eddy nodded and dialed. 
Would she even pick up the phone? 
It rang, once, twice, three times. Then the familiar click came. 
"Eddy, now is not a good time." his mum said coolly. 
"Maybe, mum. But you need to hear me out."
This is not something he would ever even have considered saying to his mum before, but there was a forest fire raging in his soul, after all. 
"What?"
"Mum, you need to change your views. You really need to. Because it's okay that Todd and Ian are queer. They are just the same guys. And in fact... there's something that I have needed to tell you forever, and it's only been the way you see things that has made me, made us, live in fear, in shame, in secret. And that stops today, mum."
He waited, to see what she would say, but she was quiet for the longest time. Todd looked at him, his brows creased with worry, his breaths shallow too. 
"I don't know what you mean." his mum said then, still cool, but with just a hint of the panic he knew all along that she would feel. And he hated that he would make her feel that, even now, he wished it could be different, that he could have just fallen for Lily like he was supposed to, way back when, that he would be the father of that baby he would be going to see on an ultrasound in just a few days, that he would be normal. 
But who wanted to be normal, if that meant they couldn't have Brett? The fire raged inside him and it erased the little frightened boy, erased all the shame and all the fear. Love trumped hate, trumped fear, trumped shame.
It always would.
"I'm gay, mum." he said with resolve. "And I'm with Brett. I have been for years. I'm sorry I could never be what you wanted, but here's the truth. I will never be with a girl. I hope you can accept us, because that's the only way, for me. It's us. And it always will be us. I love you, mum, and I want to have a good relationship with you. Which we can have, if you accept me for who I am."

He had no idea where all these soft, firm words were coming from. Was it John, who had given him the strength? Was it everything that had happened in Taiwan? 
"No!" his mum interrupted his thoughts, shrieking it through the phone, and there was such obvious pain in her voice that Eddy wanted to jump through the line, tell her no, it was a joke, it's all good. 
But no. No more. This was her mess, that she had to deal with. 
"I will always be your son, mum, and I'm always here for you." he said quietly, but firmly. "And I really wanted to do this in person, but you kicked me out, earlier. I hope you reconsider."
Despite the fire in his system his voice broke. Todd took his free hand and squeezed it tight. 
"Mum?"
She had been silent for so long... was she even still there? But then he heard her breathe, heavily, labourously. 
"I need to think."
Eddy nodded. 
"I get that. But mum, please. You don't have to digest this alone. I can be there for you, with you, if you just let me. I can come over now, if you want."
"I need to think." she said again, and just like that the line clicked and she was gone.