Tommy's Trans Teen Survival. // FTM // TommyInnit Angst. // DSMP

Part 8 ~ Dysphoria

TW- Dysphoria, Self Harm.

~ Tommy POV ~

It was time to take off the trans tape, after a few days of laying in bed it got unbearable. So, I got up, looking at the mirror, taking it off, I put on an oversized hoodie and stare at myself. I pull it forward to hide my chest further. Today was not gonna be a good day, I sigh grabbing a towel walking to the bathroom, turning the shower on. While I get my stuff ready for the shower, I spot something in the cupboards. At first, I decide against it, telling myself it's a stupid idea and that I literally only own short sleeved shirts. I test the water, and sigh looking at the mirror one last time. Some days I wanna perform top surgery myself at home, but, that's dangerous. My eyes travel back to the packet of razors, grabbing them, getting one, fiddling with it for what seems like hours at this point, eventually getting it out. I stand up, placing it on the side of the bath, rolling up my sleeve. I grab it, holding it just above my wrist, I drag it along my arm, wincing a little as the skin opens and a river of red emerges, greeting me with what looks like a grin. I do a few more, over it, they look like stitches over the grin. Before I get too carried away, I wash the blade throwing it in the bathroom bin. I hold the towel over the cuts, instantly regretting it. I tell myself it was useless and there was no point in doing it, because after all I had no real reason to do that. What would my parents say? They'd definitely shout at me for this, Wilbur would be disappointed, and Phil, what would he say? I look at the blood stained towel and put it back down, getting in the shower.

After the shower, I put my binder on despite it being unsafe after only just taking off the tape that morning. I search for a long sleeved shirt in my wardrobe, when a knock is heard on my door, my parents are still on that holiday thing, "Who is it?" I ask and wait a response, "Wilbur, just thought I'd come and check on you. I had a bad feeling in my stomach, so, y'know." He says, and I grab my sunday club jumper, putting it on, opening the door, smiling up at him. "Sorry, I just got out of the shower." I apologise, despite doing nothing wrong. He smiles, "So, everything okay?" He asks and I nod, "Sorry I haven't been in touch lately, dysphoria and stuff." I explain, "That's completely okay, wanna do something today?" He asks, and I shrug, "Sorry, I need to get my binder off, I shouldn't have put it on. One second." I close my door, taking off my jumper, then binder putting my jumper back on. I open the door again, and we walk downstairs, sitting on the sofa. Wilbur puts on a random show, more for background noise while we do our brotherly bonding, scrolling on our phones. I look up at him, and he looks back at me. "What?" He asks, I shrug. "Okay then." He says, starting to laugh a little at the awkwardness in the situation, which makes me laugh as well. So, we sit laughing for a while.

When Wilbur had gone, my smile fades as I look around at the empty house. I roll up my sleeve, looking at my wrist, searching around the house for bandages. When I find them, I wrap some around my arm not wanting to risk the infection. I hum, and sit myself back down, curling into a ball laying down. After a while, I fall asleep. Waking up to my dog licking at my hand. I sit up, watching a red liquid drip down my fingers, landing in a puddle on the floor. I'd slept on them and the bandage came undone, not really helping. I roll up my sleeve, taking the bandage off, holding my hand down on them, getting up, heading to the kitchen where I hear talking. I stand on the stairs listening to the conversation. "Phil, I don't know why, he was asleep on the couch. I can promise you, he's okay." Kristin says and Phil speaks up, "He hasn't been the same since he came out, he's been distant and I just wanna make sure he's alright when he wakes up." They did the same thing as Wilbur, except they didn't bother me, or knock, but oh well. My dog barks at me, and I dash back to the sofa, grabbing the bandage, cleaning up the blood off the floor with it, shoving it behind a pillow. I rolled down my sleeve, wiping the rest of the blood off my hand as Kristin walks in, she smiles at me and sits down next to me.

When we finished talking, I felt faint, the bleeding stopped luckily

~ A/N ~

No pick up line today, short chapter too cause I'm ill and tired :(