Rite of Submission - Rite 1

16: Breakdown

                I felt my whole body shake, almost as if it was vibrating from the anger I felt at the moment. It didn't help that it felt like there was an internal war raging within me. Part of my anger wanted to lash out at the bimbo on the other side of the door, the audacity to claim that he was hers when he was actively pursuing me and for all intents and purposes, legally speaking, was mine.

Part of that anger was directed at him, feeling like I was being goaded into having more animosity towards her than I should, when I didn't even want him for myself. Not to mention the way he seemed to enjoy watching me struggle with these feelings. Ignoring his amused smile, I stormed past him making my way all the way into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me, almost daring him to follow after.

Coming face to face with my own reflection, I reeled back like I'd seen a ghost. The dark shadow I had seen so many times in his eyes when his primal senses took over his rational mind seemed to be lurking in my own. There was also a ring of gold around the green that I'd never seen before. As if noticing the darkness within me gave my rational mind more strength, the shadow slowly faded away. I was left staring at the face looking back at me in the mirror, not even sure if I had actually seen what I thought I had just seen. What was he doing to me? Am I going crazy?

I gave it a while, staring into my own eyes, waiting to see if there was some glimmer of darkness left behind. Only my same old green eyes looked back at me. Seeing nothing there anymore, and having not been followed, I leaned against the cold stone wall and slid down to the floor. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I laid my head down on them, trying to curl into myself. My hands shook as the adrenaline wore off. I could only hope I was being allowed a "human moment" for the time being, though I was sure a punishment would be waiting for me as soon as I opened the door.

Eventually he'd want to know what was taking so long, and there was no way to tell how long I'd been sitting there. I hoped sounds of a shower would buy me a little more time. Pulling the hair tie from my braid, I began combing my fingers through my hair to loosen it. My hair seemed longer than it was a few days ago, but I wasn't used to having to run my fingers through it. I didn't dare look into the mirror again, afraid of what I'd find.

Pulling the nightgown off over my head and dropping it on the floor, I stepped into the shower. It took me a few minutes to figure out the different knobs and switches to find the right temperature and shower head. Who needed water to spray at them from every direction, or an entire ceiling to drip like rain? Actually, the rain feature was pretty nice. Gradually increasing the heat until steam started to fill the room, I let the water wash over my shoulders.

His soaps were lined up in the little alcove of one wall, they smelled wonderful, but they smelled like him. Their mother had been allowed to have her own things, from what I got to see of her closet, a lot of her own things. She had had clothing and jewelry; I assumed that meant she had her own soaps, perfumes and make-up. What would I have to do to be given the same provisions? Sophie hadn't said very much about their parents and he'd said even less, but it didn't paint a good picture. Pushing the dark thoughts aside, I resigned myself to using what was available to me.

After thoroughly lathering up every inch of my body, I massaged shampoo through my hair and combed the conditioner in with my fingers. Even though they all smelled like him, they were also luxurious. I let the water flow over me again, rinsing the suds away, before spraying all of the conditioner from my hair. Determined to walk out and face him before he came in to drag me out, I turned the water off and wrapped myself in one of the large towels folded on the shelf outside the shower.

The steam had fogged the mirror, which was fine with me, because I still didn't want to see what would be reflected at me. My footsteps sounded loud as my bare feet padded across the stone floor. Pausing at the door, I took a deep breath to steel my nerves, then reached down and twisted the knob, opening the door.

I had expected to see him sitting there, waiting to dole out whatever punishments he'd dreamt up while I'd been hiding in the bathroom. But, the bedroom was empty with the door shut. There was something made of white fabric laid out on the bed. I chose to ignore it, rummaging through his dresser drawers instead. If I couldn't have my own clothes, I could at least decide what I was going to wear myself. He had a whole drawer full of tee shirts, ranging in color from black to a dark charcoal grey color. All his clothing seemed to be in different shades of black or dark grey. Naturally I selected the darkest black shirt from the drawer. The only thing I could find to fit as bottoms were a pair of black satin pajama pants that had a drawstring waist.

It was the most comfortable I'd been since arriving here. The shirt was long on me, hitting about mid thigh, and the pant legs pooled slightly around my feet. I finally felt fully clothed, even without underwear. Nothing was tightly clinging to my body, or leaving large areas exposed. My hair was still wet, hanging loose down my back and making the shirt damp, the ends falling almost as low as the hem of the shirt. It would shorten as it dried and curled, unless I took the time to braid it again. I draped the towel I used on a towel rack in the bathroom, still avoiding my own reflection.

I took another deep breath before opening the door to the office. I'd barely opened it a crack before the sound of hushed voices hit my ears. It sounded like a whispered argument between a man and a woman. Had Candy really come back? The very idea that she'd be so conniving and desperate made anger wash over me again and I flung the door the rest of the way open, ready to hit someone this time.

I lost all the rage upon seeing who was actually in the room. Sophie was standing with a hand on her hip as she wagged a finger in his face angrily, looking like she was scolding him for something. He was hunched forward in his chair, elbows on his knees propping up his head in his hands. She dropped both arms, and smiled when she saw me. Leaning forward, she whispered something into his ear before waving at me and stalking back to her own rooms.

"Candy pissed her off too?" my voice sounded casually flippant.

Twisting around in the chair to look at me, he took a moment to drink in my appearance before answering, "She does have a tendency to get under peoples' skin doesn't she?" Not really an answer.

I shrugged, mostly to roll the tension from my shoulders, but also to respond with my own non-answer. He chuckled, relaxing back into the chair. Padding across the office, I made my way back to the corner of the couch I'd sat in earlier. Ignoring the way he was staring at me, I sighed, "She seemed really upset, I hope everything is okay. I know she was really looking forward to being able to go through that paperwork for you."

He was rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "She just wanted to voice her," he paused as if searching for the right words, "opinions about a few things that we don't see eye to eye on." He shrugged as if it didn't bother him, but the way he'd hung his head in his hands while she scolded him said otherwise. "Let's take a little walk," he pushed himself out of the chair and made his way to the doors, waiting for me to follow.