Do We Let Go?

39| Parents

Arms I want to be wrapped in...Eyes I want to be lost in.

"Oh my god! You married him? A Christian!"

The direct sunlight falling onto my face woke me up just a while after I fell asleep, having spent the entire night turning and tossing in my bed, trying to keep the voices out of my head.

But they always followed.

Reluctantly, I sat up straight, blinking back the slumber. I scoffed. We meet years after the last time being my sister and her baby's funeral and their concern? I married a Christian.

"Parents of the freakin' decade." I muttered as I got up to get myself some water.

As soon as I left my room, last night's brutal fight hit me worse than hangover when I realized Zach wasn't there like usual preparing breakfast for us.

"Your parents severely messed you up."

I felt small pangs of pain in my chest as I kept walking to the kitchen.

Have you lost your mind, Zara?! Huh?

I opened the fridge and took out a bottle. My hands moved against the cap of it, turning it around to pop it open and my mind agreed with my father's words, yes I lost my mind. I most definitely did.

Damn hormones.

So my pregnancy invalidated my feelings, then, huh? Nice. Nothing better that having someone I trusted also tell me that my feelings were fickle and just hormones.

I took a huge sip and felt the water trickle down my chest, coldness spreading within, as I didn't have enough anyway.

Okay. That hurt.

I clenched my eyes shut, exhaling shakily. I hurt him. I pushed him too far.

Please forgive me, papa, please. I'm so sorry.

How my heart begged for his forgiveness, yearned for his acceptance and died a thousand deaths to just be loved. 

Only for him to withdraw his hands away from me.

What in the world had I not done to make them love me? What was left that I could do to make things alright? When could I be genuinely happy? When was I allowed to? I wished somebody could just tell me and I'd skip over to that part of my life.

Mom didn't even look at me...

Do I really need to tell you all the insecurities or bullying Blair went through to be the person she is today?

I placed the bottle on the counter with much force, pressing my palms on either side of it, still breathing heavily.

I needed to calm down. I needed these voices out of my head. They were plaguing my mind. I regretted going there. Now I couldn't remember why I did that to myself. I was fine. My mind was healthy and I just had to go to them and shatter it all down.

Zach's yelling echoed in my ears, surrounding me.

Or that Ethan overcame years of secretly harming himself because he thought he deserved the hate he got because of his color?

Drowning me.

I shuddered, lowering my head. I couldn't believe he told me that. I couldn't believe I pushed him far enough for him to have said that.

My heart went out for both Blair and Ethan and as someone who struggled with mental health, I would've felt so proud that they overcame their struggles had my mind not been so preoccupied.