Do We Let Go?

11| Co-Parents

And in the middle of my chaos, there was you.

I thought I was handling it quite well. For a woman who gets attached easily, and was about to abort her baby, I was doing very well after I saw the fetus in my womb. Sure, my eyes were welling up, and my nails were digging in Zach's hand rather painfully, I thought, but I had it under control.

And then we heard the heartbeat. That's when I lost it. Memories from the past swarmed my already fragile heart.

I was sitting with my elder sister, Zoya, in her marital home, my eyes on her small bump. They were watering with happiness for her. She was so happy. "I can't believe I'm going to be an aunt!", I squealed.

Zoya giggled along with me, nodding her head excitedly. "And I'll be a mother soon!"

I grinned. "So, what do you think it's gonna be? A boy or a girl? What does your 'mother's intuition' say?"

I wasn't spiritual, and certainly not religious either, but this mother's intuition concept seemed interesting enough, and well, Zoya is religious now, so...yeah. Zoya rubbed her hand on her bump, smiling softly while looking at it.

She looked back up at me, and whispered, "I think it's gonna be a boy."

"Aww...he'll be so cute, the both of you look so beautiful, boy or girl, the baby's going to be blessed with angelic genes, and the best parents!", I cooed, hugging my sister tightly.

Zoya groaned. "Let go of me, you're suffocating me!"

I gave her a sheepish smile, and moved away. "Sorry."

She waved it off. "Anyway, one more exciting news. We heard the heartbeat."

"What?! That's wonderful!"

Tears appeared in her eyes. She was extremely emotional nowadays, crying suddenly without any reasons. She blamed it all on her pregnancy hormones.

"Oh, Zara...it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. I just wished...I just thought that why do I have to wait a few more months to hold my baby? I wanted it in my arms right then so that I could shower it with love."

Suddenly, it all felt too much. It felt as if I was suffocating, sharp pain arising in my chest, blurring my vision until I couldn't see anything clearly. Zach's bittersweet words filled my ears that he was saying to the baby.

I started crying, sobs rising in my chest rapidly, and I completely lost it. I was feeling terrible. My hand shot up to cover my face as I continued to cry. "Zara? Hey, what's wrong?", Zach asked me, sounding astonished. He pulled my hand away from my face.

"Oh, no. It's alright, honey. I know you must be hurting.", he consoled me softly, standing beside me and holding my hands in his. I didn't say anything, incapable of forming any coherent words. He rubbed his hands along mine to show his support and I was very thankful that I hadn't come alone.

Even if it's Zach, his support does mean a lot. At least I know this baby doesn't have a father who isn't nice. I cried until I couldn't anymore, only occasional shiver running down my spine, or a cough here and there.

"Here.", Zach said, offering me a handkerchief. I gladly took it, rubbing my face with it to clear the tremendous amount of tears that fell out of my eyes. 

I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry about that. It's just...I was feeling very nostalgic and...I guess it's the pregnancy hormones doing this to me.", I shrugged, blaming it on pregnancy hormones just like she did. Both of us lied. Oh, if only I knew it was more than just pregnancy hormones...