is this love?

20

i think i caught him by surprise because for a moment he froze, but then he eventually started kissing me back. i rested my hands on his shoulders and he pulled me closer by my waste.

before i knew it we were making out in the middle of this party. i felt like i was walking on air. like nothing could touch me.

we pulled apart and the first thing i saw when i looked away from chris was non other than his other half. matt. he was standing a few feet away from us, alone this time, staring with an unreadable expression. part of me wished he was jealous. but who cares about matt anymore? who cares about anything anymore?

i looked at my phone later to see notifications from both of my parents. i texted my mom telling her the traffic was crazy and we'd be home soon.

i was still euphoric as we all left the party around 10 pm. it would take an hour to get home, but that's plenty enough time to get a good nights rest for school the next day. but i don't even care if i have energy for school tomorrow.

worrying and caring about stuff is so stupid. i don't know why i do it all the time. it wasn't until this moment i realized it was all so stupid. who cares anyway? we all just die, so nothing really matters. that thought that usually depressed me had me walking on air. i feel the best i have in my whole life.

*the next morning*

i feel the worst i have in my whole life. as i get ready for school i try to tack my memory for what all happened last night. all i remember is drinking, smoking, kissing chris and matt's distraught face. that's all i remember. i hope nothing worse happened.

i was brushing my teeth and tried to brush my tongue, but that just resulted in throwing up my guts in the toilet. as i did, i developed a new memory of throwing up on the high way last night.

when i finished, i sighed and closed my eyes. when i did i saw matt standing alone with that look on his face at the party last night. i threw up again.

i felt bad for matt for a second until i remember netty. i gagged but nothing came up.

my mom heard me barfing , so she came up the stairs to check on me.

i convinced her i didn't drink last night and that i was sick. she let me stay home from school, which was honestly much needed because although i feel physically better after vomiting, i wasn't mentally okay after everything that happened not only last night, but all weekend. i needed some time for reflection.

i made myself breakfast downstairs as i thought. i've kissed both of the straight sturniolo triplets. that made me feel like a hoe. chris doesn't know about me and matt, but matt knows that i kissed chris. i wish it was the other way around because matt is the one i actually like. wait! no i don't. he betrayed me. he's a traitor. that's when i finally did what was much needed to be done. i blasted traitor by olivia rodrigo. i sobbed along with the lyrics, letting myself scream and cry freely.

i felt so refreshed after words. i really needed that.

a little after three o'clock nick asked me over to help him with a paper for his english class.

i didn't really want to go over there, considering what happened last night, but what was i expecting? they were all probably fine and i'm the only one over thinking and going through a life crisis.

i walked over to their house and was greeted by mary lou when i came in the front door.

"hey, y/n! did you have fun this weekend?" she asked me, smiling cheerily, as always.

the weekend had actually gone great until we went putt putting. when we met little miss blondie.

"yes, i had a lot of fun," i lied, "is nick in his room? i'm here to help him with his paper."

"yeah, he should be." she said nodding to the stairs.

i opened nick's door and i don't know why i was surprised to see matt. it looked like he was helping nick on his assignment.

matt looked at me kind of stunned. well this is awkward. nick didn't acknowledge me as he kept ranting about something pertaining to the assignment.

i let myself in and sat on the other side of nick. he was oblivious to everything that been going on with me and matt. he only knew that i had a small crush on him, but he probably forgot about that by now.

"thank god your here," nick said with a sigh, "matt doesn't know anything about roman civilization."

"roman civilization?!" i looked at him, "you said this was a paper for english, which i assumed had some stupid topic and was like an argumentative essay or something."

nick gave me a tired look, "i only said that to get you over here."

"matt, you can leave now." nick dismissed him. he left the room without saying a word.

my mom called me asking why i was t home. i told her i was at the sturniolos and that i felt better. she just sighed and hung up.

after about an hour of me and nick trudging through his paper, we finally got it turned in and headed downstairs for a snack.

when we got down there, both matt and chris were sitting at the table. they looked up when we entered the room.

"hey." i said a little awkwardly.

they both have a 'hey' back, but they were much different. chris's was an enthusiastic friendly hey, but matt's was quiet and dry.

i took the seat beside chris because he was obviously happier to see me.

"what's wrong mathew?" nick poked his arm. "turn that frown upside down..." he reached to matt's face and matt swatted his hands away, "stop." he said sternly. it made me nervous when he was seriously mean.

"geez, chill." nick backed away from him.

"anyway, how was your little sick day y/n?" chris asked me politely, turning to face me.

"it was good. i spent a lot of time planning my makeup and stuff for prom." i only mentioned that part to remind matt about us going to prom together. matt merely glanced at me in return.

"are you and matt still going together?" nick asked me curiously.

"yes." me and matt said in unison. i looked over at him but he didn't look at me.

"hey, do you think you can stay the night tonight?" chris asked, changing the topic.

"you know my mom never lets me stay over on school nights." i reminded him.

"you could sneak out. it's not like you haven't done it before." he countered.

"i think i need a night at home. plus i have a test tomorrow and every time i stay here we don't end up going to bed until, like, 3 am."

"i'll let you sleep. i promise." chris whined.

"she doesn't want to stay! quit peer pressuring her. god." nick stopped him, exasperated.

matt was being so quiet. i both loved and hated when he was quiet. it's cute for some reason, but also sometimes he looks depressed and closed off; that's what i hated about him being quiet.

before i knew it my mom was calling me to come home. I said my good byes and left. i didn't want to leave, but i had to. i felt like there were so many unspoken things between me and matt. what would have been said though? "why did you kiss my brother? You are a homey hopper." "why did you basically get a girlfriend this weekend? You are such a traitor." but none of that was said. nothing was said.

I was also stressed because of how chris was acting. i think that kiss was messing with his head. what if he liked me? that kiss was a mistake. but was it?