Love Above all Else

12. Falling For You

"Love is a land of mines. One misstep and you fall. Your heart - no longer yours. It will start beating for someone else." -Clairel Estevez

*Trigger warning*

I fidget with my hands, and I and Marco fall into a silence of sorts as we wait for my car. I feel the need to have a serious conversation with him but I am too nervous to speak up.

"Uh..."

"What was that?," I ask immediately. 

"Oh, nothing."

It gets quiet again and the time seems to drag on before us. I don't know how much time has passed on, but I speak up before it can get too awkward. "Marco, I need to talk to you about something."

"Yeah?"

"I enjoy spending time with you, and I can tell you enjoy spending time with me too. Oh God please don't take any of this the wrong way." 

He steps closer to me and furrows his eyebrows with concern. I am questioning if this is really a good idea or not. But before I can talk myself out of it, I countue speaking.

"Just listen, okay? I like you. I can't deny my feelings for you. This connection. And I know you feel that spark I feel. The way you smile at me. I can't keep denying it. I have liked you since the day I met you but have just been too scared to admit anything. I am sorry if this is too much but I can't keep it to myself anymore. Please tell me you feel the same way?"

He just stares at me with a look of concern. His face is glowing by the light from the moon, but it does him no justice because he is upset. It grows quiet and he does not answer me. 

"Marco?" 

"Sorry, I just don't know what to say. You are a lovely girl but-"

I interrupt, not wanting to hear his disapproval. "No, I get it. You don't have to worry. Just forget I said anything. It's okay." 

Just in time, my car pulls around. I take the keys and don't look back as I get in, driving away from the manor and Marco with it. Tears run down my face as I get farther and farther away. How did such a wonderful day turn into this? It is all my fault.

~~~~~~

"Journal,

Today was amazing. Until it wasn't.

I ruined everything. I always do. It is all my fault. I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said a thing. He hates me now. I told him how I thought I was feeling but he doesn't feel the same way. Why am I so stupid? I am ugly and stupid and I don't know how to take a hint.

I hate myself. I can't take it. This pain in my chest. I ruined everything. 

Journal, I don't know what to do. 

                                                                                                            ,Isabelle."

~~~~~~

After coming home tonight, I immediately run up to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I use the loud water to drown out the sound of my crying.

Once the water is on, instead of showering, I throw myself over the toilet in an effort to fix my mistake. I know throwing up won't help anything, but I don't deserve to feel full. I shove my fingers down my throat over and over again until I am empty. How ironic. I am empty emotionally and physically.