Love Above all Else

14. Reminded of You

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." -Albert Einstein

*Trigger warning

I wake up to birds chirping outside the window above me and a pounding in my head. 

"Ugh. Riley," I shake Riley awake beside me. "Wake up."

The frizzy-haired blob sits up to reveal Riley underneath the messy hair. I have never seen her hair this distressed before. 

"I need to get going."

"Okay. You know the way out." She gives me a smile with her eyes still closed. "Oh and Happy New Year Belle."

 As soon as the words leave her lips, she is back down I grab my jacket from the chair on the way out of her room and find my shoes by the front door on my way out of the house. The piece of plate from last night pokes me as I walk home.

~~~

Today is the last day of winter break, and it has been uneventful. It is driving me crazy. I have been staring at this glass shard on my nightstand since I brought it home the other day. I can only stare at it. It keeps me captivated like the only thing able to save me yet too powerful for me to hold. I almost feel regret for taking it and what my intentions were at the moment, but I haven't done anything to feel guilty about. 

Why have I done this to myself? I have put myself in a position of lying and deception. I am telling everyone I am fine, yet I hide behind closed doors, empty my stomach to feel thin, and cut my wrists to feel whole. What kind of logic is that?

I am trying not to think about it, but the truth is that it is the only thing I am thinking of. I can't keep it off my mind. I stare blankly at the sharp edges and shine on the surface of the plate in mesmerization. I want to use it. I need to use it. But what will my friends say? That is if they find out. 

Today, I am supposed to be getting ready to go back to school, but I don't know where to start. My room is always clean because of my OCD. If it weren't I would be even worse off than I am now. My clothes are in a pile on my floor, but I am too exhausted to put them up. I could do the dishes, but my heart had been causing me problems, and doing the dishes would only worsen that right now. I want to shower, but when I think of showering, I think of self-harming. I could even eat, but then I would hate myself afterward. I can't decide if I should risk any of those choices. 

So, I am deciding to write in my journal.

~~~~~~

"Dear journal,

This piece of porcelain, so simple, has so much power over me. It has the power to distract and the power to make me crave. It can hurt me, yet make me feel better all the while. So I don'tt know what is keeping me from using it. I do not know at this point. I want to so deeply, yet there is something keeping me from it. I think maybe it is the disappointment in myself and from others if I go through with it. 

I have tried the rubber band trick. I have gotten so many welts from it, yet it doesn't quite satisfy me. I want to try something stronger.

Instead, I am writing to you, dear friend. My journal, you are the only one I can tell these things. No friend or family member, not even therapists. The only one who knows my deepest thoughts is you. And that saddens me. 

If Marco were here, and if he knew how I am feeling, what would he do? Would he hold my hand and tell me not to worry? Or would he not care? Or would he be awkward with no words to say? If only he were here. Then I wouldn't be in this mess. But I pushed him away, so away he will stay.