Summerguard

CHAPTER 28: Answer Her

~NICOLE~

Come on. This shouldn't be that difficult. Steady! Keep hands from shaking. Steady... click! Success. Got my bra strap clipped. Next. Should I attempt my black BDU pants first or the white short-sleeve collar shirt? Definitely pants! I sit on the hospital bed which I had neatly folded the sheets so as not to leave it all wrinkly. Stiffly and with clenched teeth, I slip one leg in at a time. Next I gently, yet painfully dawn my shirt. My appointment at Rikers isn't till ten in the morning. It's right now six. I looked up some simple physical therapy tutorials on my phone to speed up getting myself back in strength.

Neck stretching... begin. Up for ten seconds. Down for ten. Left and Right for ten. Alright, shoulder rotations. One, two three... ONE! I do this for ten repetitions, quite slowly and I hold in the burning sensations inside. I gotta suck it up. Next, touch my toes and hamstring stretch. Okay, not bad. I get on my knees and gradually set my forearms and elbows. Plank....

"WOAH! Nope," I splat on my face and let out an ugly groan. Ow, that's a definite no.

I curl my knuckles to push myself back up but fall flat again. Maybe I should just stay here. Just take a minute to catch my breath. Wow, the floor's nice and cool against my skin and taking a nap here doesn't sound too bad.

"OH M G! Are you okay? Well, of course not. You're lying facedown on the floor. Here, just... I'm going to pick you up, so I am really sorry if it hurts. Alright, one, two, three. Up ya go," Joy slips her arms underneath me and the familiar feeling of my body rising and being placed onto the bed returns some memories.

"Have I ever told you, you're so strong?" I ask before stopping my mouth.

She rolls her eyes, "Thank you, but flattery won't make me ignore the fact that you're sweating and quote-unquote napping on the floor."

I try to smoothly stand up and walk away from a conversation that involves me telling her where I am headed, but end up hunching over from the rapid cramp. I grip my sides reflexively and muscles are immediately ushering me to the bed.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn? I'm trying to help you," Joy scolds.

"I didn't ask for your help. Can't you take the hint and leave me alone?" I snap at her.

Joy grips my perfectly flattened sheets and her eyes squeeze in dejection, "I know you're probably saying that but not meaning it. Wow, okay. Um, you know what? No, I can't leave you alone because then you're just going to keep hurting yourself. Par exemple."

I don't know why, but I'm really pissed and my brain is working in blind anger, "You think I am suicidal? Okay, so you see a broken soldier before you and take pity on me so you have no guilt when I take a scalpel to my neck."

We both gasp at what I just said. Even though in my heart I know that I would never do that and it was supposed to be dark humor, I instantly regret ever saying it. Harm is not a joke and agh, why can't I think straight? What the frick is wrong with me?

"F*ck. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was so messed up. I would never, ever hurt myself like that. Sh*t," I apologize to her and cuss myself. No, no no. Bad. Very bad.

She stands up and I can see her trying so hard to not cry. Her hands are in fists and I'm scared she's going to fall over. I'm such a monster. 

"You're not broken, Nicky. Everyone, even me, has weaknesses and sore days where we just feel like giving up. But you will get through this and you will find your friend and hopefully your strength too. And I'm not looking out for you out of pity or quid pro quo. I just... I just worry about you and keep getting drawn back here for some reason. And good thing because I find you when you suck your hair in deep sleep and I can push it outta the way. But I also care that you don't hit your head on the floor and you don't reject my blood. I care, alright. Simple as that. I care," she explains and I am flabbergasted.