Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Honest

The next morning, Charlie got a text just after he'd gotten off the bus. Ben, asking him to meet in the library.

Charlie felt oddly reluctant to go. This was the first text he'd gotten since Ben had denied knowing him in the corridor. In front of Nick. But he told himself he was being silly. Ben surely had a good reason for what he'd said.

Ben was waiting for him in the library, coming up to him and twining his fingers with Charlie's. "You know I'm sorry about ignoring you." He leant his head against Charlie's, expecting that to be the end of it, expecting everything to be fine.

Looking down at their hands, Charlie could still see the happy face Nick had drawn on his, and he couldn't help comparing the two. Ben was beautiful, there was no denying that, but he didn't make Charlie laugh. Or smile. Whereas Nick had such an easy, open smile, it was hard not to smile back at him.

Of course, Ben liked Charlie ... or at least, he said he did, when they were alone. Sometimes.

"Yeah," Charlie said at last, and he let Ben kiss him. But the magic had gone out of it, and he wasn't sorry when the bell rang.

What a difference from the first day of term, when he'd been so happy to come to school. At lunch, not wanting to face his friends, Charlie went to the art room, sitting in his favorite corner. There were roots painted on the floor just there, and sometimes he pretended he was a tree, tall and strong and without problems.

Mr. Ajayi, the art teacher, looked over at him with concern. "It's quite a while since you've hidden in here at lunch."

"I'm not hiding."

"Then what are you doing?"

Charlie waved his unopened lunchbox in the air. "Eating lunch." He wasn't; he had no appetite. Maybe he would eat some of it later.

"Oh, right." Mr. Ajayi was on to him. Charlie had spent enough lunchtimes in here that Mr. Ajayi no longer expected him to open the lunchbox, and had stopped trying to tell him to. "So everything's okay? There's no bullies I need to sort out again?"

"No. Everything's fine."

Mr. Ajayi went back to his grading, but with an air of disbelief.

"Actually ..." Charlie began, and Mr. Ajayi looked at him again. "There is kind of someone."

"A bully?"

"I've ... I've got a boyfriend." Ben had expressly denied being Charlie's boyfriend, but what else was there to call him? A secret kissing partner? Ick.

"Ah. Well. Congratulations."

"Not ... It's ..." He didn't know how to begin.

"Okay ..."

"I don't even know if ... I don't think he even thinks we're boyfriends anyway. He ignores me sometimes. He doesn't even like people seeing us talk to each other in the corridors. He pretends like he doesn't know who I am." Charlie sighed, feeling better for having gotten that all out. "But then when it's just us two, he's fine."

"Well, have you talked to him about how that makes you feel?"

"No."

"Maybe you should talk to him, then?"

Charlie dropped his head on his lunchbox, just trying to imagine how that conversation would go. Badly, he suspected.

Mr. Ajayi laughed. "What do you want me to say? Break up with him?"

"I don't know."

"Well, do you want to break up with him?"

Charlie sat up again. "I don't know."

"I can't solve your problems for you, Charlie. What about your friends? Have you talked to them about it?"

"They wouldn't get it."

"Why not?"

"Because they're not gay."

Mr. Ajayi found that one hard to argue with. "Just ... talk to him. It's better to be honest about your feelings in the long run."

"I hate being honest."

"I know. It took you three months to tell me you were being bullied."

Charlie went back to staring at his unopened lunchbox, no further ahead than when he'd come in.

As he left school that afternoon, he spied Nick outside tossing a rugby ball with some of his mates. He wondered if Nick was interested in anything else. So far, Charlie hadn't seen any signs of him being particularly engaged by his classes, and he hadn't brought up anything else he liked. Then again, Nick hadn't brought up the rugby in conversation, either.

He stood still for a moment, his eyes on that bright red hair and easy smile. But then his gaze travelled to a couple standing by the gate, and everything else was forgotten. It was Ben. Standing there with a girl. And it was clear he was really with her, even before they kissed. Openly. Where everyone could see them.

Charlie would have expected to feel hurt. Betrayed. But mostly what he felt was angry.

That night, he spent a long time staring at his phone, at the text thread with Ben, trying to decide what to say. "Do you have a girlfriend?" No. Ben could lie his way out of that, and Charlie already knew the answer anyway.

Then he tried "I HATE YOU!!!!" but that seemed extreme. And childish.

Finally he settled on "i don't want to meet up anymore." It was the truth.

Ben responded almost immediately. "???????"

"sorry"

"I don't understand???" "ffs we're not gonna get caught" Ben kept going, apologising for the other day, demanding that Charlie not ignore him, but Charlie turned off his phone. He was done with that now. Better have no one than someone who lied to him and treated him badly.