Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Ruin

Nick had asked him in form that morning if everything was okay and Charlie had put him off with a faint smile and a murmured "fine," because he was putting all his energy into preparing to say what he needed to say at lunch.

While he waited for Nick in the canteen, a text came in from Tao asking if he'd come have lunch with him, because Isaac was working in the library, so Tao was by himself.

Guiltily, Charlie texted back, "i'll be there in a bit!! i said i'd get lunch with nick" Maybe this would help him get his words out once Nick got here, if he was hurrying to join Tao.

But Tao's next text was "don't bother. we're barely friends anymore"

Charlie wanted to cry. Apparently Nick wasn't the only one who had lost friends because they were together. He'd hurt Tao just like he'd hurt Nick, and for what? Both of them were worse off because of him.

Before he could answer Tao—and he didn't know what he would say anyway—Nick showed up, sitting down across from Charlie. "Hey," he said. "You okay?"

No. No, he wasn't. "Um ..." He'd tried to practise what he was going to say, but he had never quite seemed to find the words. "So I was thinking ... about me and you."

"Okay." Nick nodded, but Charlie didn't miss the way his body tensed. He knew they were all wrong for each other, too. Charlie was sure he must.

"And I just think ... I mean, the fight with Harry was my fault."

"It wasn't, though."

Which was nice of him to say, but they both knew the truth. "It was. It was my fault. Becoming friends with you and, you know, everything that's happened. I've been making your life really difficult." Nick must know what he was trying to say by now, but he was silent. "So I was thinking ..." He waited for Nick to say something, anything. To argue with him, to agree with him, to refuse, to say he'd been thinking this all along, but there was nothing. Just Nick's brown eyes looking at him, his face reflecting all the pain Charlie felt. "Maybe it would be better if ... if we just ..."

He couldn't say it. He had to say it; it was better for both of them, for everyone, this way. But every time he looked at Nick he remembered the way Nick had smiled at him at the concert, and the way his eyes darkened just before he leaned in for a kiss, and the teasing look he got when he was being flirty, and the way it felt to be held by him, and ...

"Um ..." Charlie took a deep breath.

But before he could get any further, a boy came running into the canteen. "Come on! Apparently Harry Greene's fighting some year 10 by the picnic tables."

Nick and Charlie looked at each other across the table, both knowing immediately who the year 10 must be.

They got up and ran for the picnic tables, along with about half the other boys. Since they were faster than most, they outpaced the rest of them fairly easily and were among the first to arrive at the circle of boys who were surrounding and cheering on the fight.

Nick broke through the circle immediately and hauled Harry off Tao, to the vocal disapproval of the spectators. Charlie helped Tao to his feet and ushered him safely out of the circle. "Tao! What happened?"

Tao was in tears, and he said the last thing Charlie had expected. "Why didn't you tell me about you and Nick?"

"What?"

"I thought we were friends, but I guess you've just forgotten about me."

"Tao—" Charlie felt terrible. He'd been so afraid of what Tao would say that he had put it off and put it off, and now this was what he had done to his best friend.

"This is all your fault," Tao told him, echoing what Charlie already knew. "Just leave me alone!"

He left Charlie standing there, stunned. The circle that had formed around the fight had broken up, and Charlie couldn't see Nick anywhere, which was probably for the best.

On the way home, he texted Tao "Tao i'm so sorry, are you okay???" but there was no response. He wanted to text Nick, but he couldn't find the words any better than he had at lunch.

In his room, he put on his headphones and picked up his drumsticks, taking some comfort in the heavy thud of the sticks against the drumheads. But he hadn't been playing long when something hit him in the back, and he turned to see Tori standing there, and one of her shoes lying on the floor after she had thrown it at him.

She sat down next to him. "You're being very loud."

"I have my headphones on."

"Yeah, but you're still hitting the drums very loudly. I can hear it through the wall."

"Fine. Sorry."

He thought she would leave, but she stayed. "Are you angry at anything in particular? Or have you decided to finally have a rebellious phase?"

Charlie tapped his drumsticks lightly against the cymbal, unable to reply.

"Did something happen?"

"Didn't you hear about Harry Greene's fight with Nick and Tao? Both my fault, by the way."

"Yeah, I'm like 95% sure they were both Harry's fault, and I wasn't even there. What's going on?"

Charlie took his headphones off, glad of the chance to explain to somebody, thinking it through even as he spoke. "Before I met Nick, I was sort of going out with this other guy. I liked him, but ... he made me feel like I was ruining his life. Like he didn't want me to even exist. And now Nick's lost all his friends, and he's getting into fights because of me. And I just feel like maybe I do just ruin people's lives. And it would be better if I didn't exist."

He couldn't hold back the tears any longer. He'd been so happy with Nick, and so he hadn't seen what them being together was doing to him, and he should have.

Tori reached out and hugged him, fiercely, and he laid his head on her shoulder and cried. "You're not ruining my life," she told him.

Charlie smiled through the tears. "Thanks."

She held him a bit longer, saying softly, "I could make us some pizza for dinner. Would that help?"

He couldn't imagine wanting food—not now, or really ever again. But that was something he didn't need to talk about with Tori. "I'm not very hungry," he said instead. "I might just eat later."

"Okay."

When she would have let go, Charlie clung to her. Just a little while longer.