Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Lunch

On his way to the music room to meet Nick for lunch, Charlie hastily typed out a text to Tao and Isaac letting them know he wouldn't be at the picnic tables.

Tao's response was "again?!?!" and Isaac's was "happy for you".

It wasn't the first time Isaac had said something that made Charlie wonder if he knew about Nick. He couldn't imagine how Isaac would know, but he didn't worry too much about it, either. Isaac kept to himself so much there were entire days when he didn't speak to Tao and Charlie, and they were his best friends. He would never tell anything he knew.

Nick was already in the music room by the time Charlie got there, most of the way through his lunch. Charlie rarely ate much of his own lunch, so Nick had developed the habit of showing up early and eating quickly so they had more time to talk.

Washing down the last bite of his sandwich with his Fanta, Nick looked up and smiled. "Hi."

"Hi." Charlie returned the smile, sliding down the wall to sit next to Nick and reaching for his hand.

They didn't kiss in school. Even if Nick had been ready to push those boundaries, which he wasn't, Charlie would have been reluctant. Kissing Ben had been one thing—those had been chaste kisses, more pecks than anything else, and all about Ben, he had realised. Kissing Nick was an entirely different thing, consuming and overwhelming. Charlie often forgot where they were entirely when they were kissing, and while that was an amazing feeling, he wasn't sure it was a good idea to experience it in school.

Nick shook their joined hands gently. "Hey. You spacing out on me?"

"Sorry."

Making the "stop saying sorry" face, Nick asked, "What's up?"

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"You."

"Oh." Nick blushed and looked away.

"What were you thinking about?" Charlie asked him.

Nick took a deep breath. "Just about ... my friends, and me, and how I'm still the same person I was, but I'm ... different, too."

"You don't have to change who you are, Nick."

"No. I mean, I do, at least a little. Like, before, I was ... I was sure I was straight, and now—now I don't know what I am. But I'm still, you know, a rugby player, and ... and I still have these friends who I've had for years, and I'm still the person they think they know, but at the same time I'm ... I'm this person, with you. And I don't know how I can be both." He shook their joined hands again. "I don't know. Does this make any sense?"

"Yeah. It does." Charlie sat up on his knees, looking at Nick earnestly. "It's not easy, what you're going through. Not for anyone. And your ... friends don't make it any easier."

"Did yours? Last year."

"Oh, yes. Tao and Isaac were incredibly supportive once they knew what was going on. Elle—Elle had her own issues, but she was there for me, too."

"I'm glad you had them."

"And you have me." Charlie reached for Nick's hand again. "I'm not going to rush you. Take your time."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"Because I feel like—I feel like it's not fair to you, making you ... pretend, for me."

Charlie would have preferred it if Nick was ready to come out, that was true. The idea of a relationship where he could be open, where he could talk about the person he was with to his friends and his family, where everyone could see them together, was a fantasy he rarely let himself imagine, because it felt so good just to think about. But the alternative in this case was not to see Nick at all, and that was unthinkable. "It's okay. It really is. I understand."

Nick's eyes searched his face, and he squeezed Charlie's hand before letting it go.

Charlie's phone chimed, and he checked it quickly. It was Tao, asking if he was having a good lunch. The sarcasm was obvious even through text. He sighed. While he'd like to be able to tell Tao the truth, it bothered him that Tao was so resistant to the idea that Charlie and Nick could really be friends. If Tao had made a new friend, Charlie would have been happy for him.

"My friends aren't happy that I'm eating so many lunches with you," he said. "Well, no, not my friends. Just Tao."

"With me, or not with them?"

"Both."

Nick laughed softly. "I don't think my friends have even noticed, to be honest. It's nice that you have friends who care enough about you that they miss you at lunch."

Charlie suspected Nick was selling his friends short. Yes, most of them followed Harry Greene around like puppies, agreeing with everything he said, but there were a few who were always at the fringes of that group, who likely would have been happy to spend more time with Nick if he had asked.

"If you want to spend fewer lunches together so you can make your friends happy, that's okay," Nick said.

Charlie shifted so he was sitting next to Nick again, reaching for his hand and resting his head on his shoulder. "I'd rather spend more lunches with you so that I can make you happy."

Nick ducked his head again, blushing, but he was smiling, too.

"Still ..." Charlie sighed. "I should probably spend more time with Tao. He and Elle were really good friends. Her leaving was hard on him."

"I'll miss you." Nick leaned his head against Charlie's, and they sat like that together until the bell rang.