Alone again (byler)

Chapter 5

Tw for derealisation ? (Don't be afraid to correct me if I'm wrong)

Brace yourself for this one readers...

Will

Everyone's here. It's 4 PM  in the afternoon and everyone's arrived. Well, almost everyone.

Max isn't.

Mom and Hop are up to some kind of  top secret business. But, everyone else is here.

Mike, EL, Jonathan, Nancy, Lucas, Dustin, Erica, Robin and Steve.

They are all here.

But, I'm not.

I'm stuck.   

Stuck in the mere cinch of my mind: trapped in this tedious state.

I'm stranded.

Stuck.

Stuck in this body.

This useless fucking body.

And, everything feels so wrong.

I can feel my thoughts pulsate around my mind as I  break into sheer sweat. And, It's all so wrong. Everything is so wrong and all I can think about is how I'd sell my soul to be anybody but me right now .

I'm stuck in this fraudulent form. A disdainful state. And, no-one's coming to save me.

But, can I blame them?

It's not like they know to save me from this raw agony.

It's not like they fucking care. Nobody cares.

I'm so disconnected from everything and everyone.

Detached.

I feel my vision start blur as their voices fade out into muffled static. My breath hastens as my surroundings grow in distortion.

Each inhale of oxygen is only more intrusive than the last. Each exhale releases a small segment of my sanity. Each thought is invading, like the thoughts I  acquire don't even belong to me.

Nothing belongs to me: not even my own mind.

It's all so out of place.

Yet, nobody has seemed to have noticed. So, I quickly come to the realisation that it's  not an external problem I'm facing. It's me.

I'm the problem.

I'm the problem and all I can think about is how out of place I am as I sit in the midst of everyone in this stupid room.

I don't want to be me right now.

I don't want to be here.

Anywhere but here in this moment.

I think back to last night and how Mike gently  held me until I dozed off into a  steady sleep.

I want to go back there. Not here.

Anywhere but here.

It's like I'm back in that place.

The upside down.

As I let in an unsteady inhale, I can already feel the scalding grip of vines that drape themselves around my neck. My entire body. My insides. I'm  now inhaling glacial gulps of thick chilled air as my I sit tighten my grip on the couch.

My body doesn't belong to me: it's been manipulated and mishandled. Contorted.

Now, something new has taken hold of me. Something tyrannical and shrewd. Something that's been brewing inside of me for a while. Something I thought I could shroud myself from.