Alone again (byler)

Chapter 6

Tw: Explicit description of INTERNALISED HOMOPHOBIA.

WILL

I'm pacing around my room gathering my belongings as my thoughts clash against one another .

I said too much.

I've said too much and now they'll hate me. They'll hate me for eternity. Just because I couldn't keep my stupid thoughts to my stupid self.

You are so stupid, Will.

So fucking stupid.

They all hate me.

I hate me.

Shame washes over me as I assimilate my words. I did something I vowed I'd never do. I vowed no one would ever see me do. I acted like my dad.

I wouldn't stop. I just couldn't shut up. As much as I wanted to fight my words I couldn't. Anger spewed out my mouth like bullets. And, I couldn't do anything. It was like I wasn't even in control. It was like my soul purpose was to hurt them.
It was to hurt them all with the raw truth I've held so close to myself.

Flashes of my friends hurt and confused faces strike  my thoughts as I hurriedly put on my shoes.

I'm crying. I'm crying now and it it all hurts. Everything fucking hurts. My brain. My chest. My eyes. My ears.

I don't want to be here.

I can't be here.

I can't stay here.

Anywhere but here.

Now, I find myself hastily climbing out my room window. As my heart races, the sickeningly sour taste of guilt scours my mind.

The scariest part is that the rage hasn't subdued. No. Not at all. My mind is still being tortured by thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts.

Thoughts telling me to concede to the enmity that lies within me. To betray the ones I love. To comply to the darkness that lays latent within me. An malicious evil I know just all too well of.

Now I'm stuck in  the eye of an inner turmoil: battling the inner cyclone this rage as brought into me.

So, I do something I find familiar. Something I assured myself I wouldn't have to do anymore.

I run.

I'm running from everything and everyone. I'm running from my thoughts, my problems.

Im running from myself.

A part of me wishes the ground would just swallow me whole and I could just disappear forever. No more guilt. No more pain. No more hiding.

Just gone.

My organs ache as I perilously sprint away from my house.I can't bring myself to turn back. To face them. I can't.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of myself.

But, then again, when have I not been?

I've always  been scared. Scared of who I am.

The malevolence that lies within me has been brewing for years;  even  before the upside down.

The plague I've been bedevilled  with for years has always had it's various side effects. Shame. Guilt. Confusion. Anger. Depression. But one of the greatest ones was fear.

Fear.

The fear of not knowing if I'd infect my friends with my impurities. I'd spread the disease. Just like it mentioned on the news.