If you love me, don't let me go (Brendon Urie Fanfiction)

Chapter Thirty Six

It's been two days.

  Two miserable days since I found out the truth about Brendon. Laying in bed is not what I wanted to do. I cry, get angry, and then repeat all over again. I've gotten numerous calls and texts from him, but I haven't answered any. I pick up the phone and just look at until it stops ringing. In the nights, I find myself having nightmares about him. Him repeatedly breaking me down and I can't  do anything but watch. I can't stop the dreams. I just can't stop thinking in general. He replaces all my thoughts. I want this to all go away. I can't stand it any longer.

I gather enough strength to throw the covers off me and get up to go downstairs. I made my way to the couch and just sat there. In the silence. Letting my worries take control over me. I'm scared to talk to him. I fear that he'll say that I wasn't all he wanted. That I never was. My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of my phone. Of course, It was him. I thought about moving, but I couldn't. It was like my feet were plastered to the floor. So, I just sat there, listening to the sound over and over again. Finally the ringing left the room and the silence filled back up. I looked down at my feet and took in a deep breath. I thought he loved me. So stupid to think that he would still be hung up on a girl from 5 years ago. How was I that stupid to think that?

I shook my head at the thoughts and got up to go back up stairs to my bed. I met the bottom of the stairs until I hear a knock at the door. It couldn't be him. Was it?

"Alex? I know you're there." He said in a low tone.

"Please let me in." He begged.

His voice sent shivers down my spine. Should I give him a chance to talk? It's only right.. Right?

"Come on, Al. Please let me in. I'm worried about you." He said.

I made my way over to the door as fast as I could. My stomach turning in knots. I felt like I could've puked. As I reached for the knob, I thought, I don't have to do this, I could just keep sitting in the silence and act like he isn't there, waiting outside my door. I can go back to my room and bottle everything up. Building my walls back up until no one can break them down ever again. It's easy to do, but it's also easy to ruin yourself by it. I can do it, but I won't.

  I closed my eyes and opened the door.

"Thank god!" He said and in an instant I felt arms wrap around me.

I felt sick to the feeling. I guess I'm not the only one who's felt the way it is to be in his arms.

"Why won't you answer my calls?"

I opened my eyes back up to see His face. He looked as if he was worried, but I tried not to care. I looked at him and then turned around to go sit on the couch. Not speaking to him what so ever. Still trying to not make eye contact.

"Alex. What did I do?" He asked

" I don't think I've done anything to deserve this!"

He did not just say that, I thought. I looked over at him with rage filling me. He did nothing to deserve this? Nothing? Maybe I need to refresh his memory.

"Nothing? You did nothing to deserve this? Does the name Sarah ring a bell? Oh wait, it does." I yelled.

His worried look was now turning into a blank stare.

"She told me everything. You lied. You slept with her when I was gone and even when I came back. I can't believe you. I came back thinking that we could live happily ever after, but now I see that those kinds of things only happen in fairy tales." I said, feeling my cheeks get hot.

"Alex, she never meant anything."

"If she didn't mean anything, then why did you do it?"

"Because I'm dumb. Look, once the band was really taking off, I felt lonely. With you not being there, I was different. Going to bars to get girls then leaving them the next morning. I admit that I did sleep around a lot, but it was the only thing that kept my mind off of thinking about you. One day, I got really drunk and slept with Sarah. She kept coming back and I was letting her. I was so addicted to what we was doing that I completely forgot, until you showed up." He said.

"Then why are you still doing it." I asked.

"Because like I said, it was like an addiction. I couldn't stop. I'm so sorry. I haven't done anything since after you and Cole broke up. I promise."

"Save your promises for someone else. Besides, I'm done with all of your broken ones." I said getting up to open the door.

"Alex please." He begged.

"No, go talk to Sarah if you need someone." I said, extending my hand outside the door.

"Alex, if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't of came. Please give me a chance."

" You know, this really puts me in mind of a song you wrote. Yeah, I think it was called 'Miss Jackson'. I guess I wasn't the inspiration in that one. Because you know why? Because I didn't sleep with everyone to get my mind off things. While you were gone, I never dated anyone. Not even Cole." I yelled.

Crap, he knows Cole was fake now.

He stood up. His expression looked like he was hurt. I knew what I said, and I didn't regret it. It was true, so why feel bad for it? He walked over to me and stopped. I could feel the heat off his body, he was so close. Since I was short, my eye level was at his chest. I didn't look at him. I couldn't. If I did then I would feel for him. I have that problem. Feeling for people. It's just what I do and I couldn't help it. I felt his breath on the top of my head. One hand cuffed my cheek and the others hair. He stooped down to my level and looked in my eyes.

"Just know that I love you. All them people never really mattered. I always imagined them being you. Come back to me, please. Just know that I'm terribly sorry, I never meant to hurt you." And then, he was gone.

I shut the door and realized the conversation we just had. He's gone. I know it was the right thing, but I feel shattered. I dropped to my knees and focused my eyes on the floor. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to show any emotion. I have the tendency to try and not show my emotions and not even to myself. I hated to see myself cry. I feel lost when I do, but now would be the time to cry.

I looked down at my tattoo and realized what it said. I've been replace and faded away. I should've never came back. This would've never happened if I just didn't act so gullible. It's all my fault. I'm the reason that I'm a mess.