"Mama, ano pong ginagawa mo?"
"Ah ito, anak? Sinusubukan kong gumawa ng... Gayuma."
"Gayuma? Ano po 'yong gayuma?"
My mom smile while explaining to me the meaning of that word. That sounds interesting. Something that can control someone's feeling? It's amazing. Something that can... Rewrite destiny.
"Huwag ka ng umalis, Lito! Parang awa mo na!"
"Bitawan mo ko! Ano pa bang hindi mo maintindihan sa mga salitang hindi na kita mahal, Magie!"
"Lito naman, please. Please. Mag-usap muna tayo. Please..."
Dad just pushed mom away from him and he continue walking away from us. I let my young tears flow in my cheeks. Growing up in a broken family hits me hard. Kill my joy. Turn off the light in my heart.
Mom, who never lose hope keeps on creating a solution she believe that can bring back our family as a whole. In the process, she didn't notice that she's moving away from me. In the process of trying to make us whole, she didn't notice how she started to break herself. Making me feel alone. She stayed in her room. Starving herself just to create the perfect love potion.
"Lola?"
"Goryo-apo?"
"Is mom okay?" I asked grandma in one dinner. She flew from province just to take care of me. I don't know why but one day, I saw her infront of our door's house. Holding a huge bag full of weird things. Mom was excited to see her. They talked and discussed things.
But after a few days... Mom's slow change worsened. It was like... She asked lola to take care of me. Because from that day on, her room's door... Never opened.
I wanted to asked but I can't get an answers I need. I wanted to get mad, but I wanted to understand her more. Besides, my young mind can't still understand...
"Mahiwagang pagtingin sa akin ay ituon. Ako ang lilingunin, sa puso niya ibabaon. Ngalan ko ay Magie, basbas ng pag-ibig ay ibigay. Isang ginoo, Lito, ang ngalan... Babalik ang pag-ibig na tunay. Magpakailanman ang tali ng pagmamahalan..."
Bright light came in the bottle infront of Mom's desk. But the door immediately closed the moment it gets brighter. Lola faced me, griping the door knob with her wrinkled hand.
"Hindi ba't pinagbabawalan ka ng mama mo na sumilip sa kwarto niya, Goryo?"
"Lola... What is mom doing?"
I turned 16, I never get an answered. I started to rebel. As I am growing up in unknown. Not enough guidance from a parent. My classmates are asking me about my mother, my father or siblings. What I only have is my... Lola.
My nineteenth birthday came. Lola cook foods. She even gave some to our neighborhood. Even asked me to invite my friends. But I refused to do so. I stayed in my room, door opened. Looking at another door parallel to my room.
I started to wonder... About mom. I rarely sees her. Only Lola give her food. Only Lola talk to her. It's been seven years since Dad left her. Left us.
Until I decided to open the door of answers. All my life I am living with this burden, questions, doubts, longiness. I had enough at that young age. All I wish is to be happy, but thinking mom... made all the difference.
"Mom! Open the door! Mom! I said open the door! Enough with these shits! Mom!"
"Goryo-apo! Anong ginagawa mo!"
"Mom!" I kick the door hard just to open it. But instead of answers... The door opened for me to question things for the rest of my life.
"Magie! Jusko! Anak! Magie!" Lola run to her. Helping her body to untie from hanging to the ceiling.
Life has been hard since the moment Dad left Mom. That day... I feel lost. It feels like I don't have them both.
Slowly... I feel numb. Pain became my ally. I started to show few emotions. And I am getting used to that kind of life. Years past. I turned 21.
From a young boy... Into a man with no joy.
But then one day... I started to understand mom.
That was one summer in our province. Lola wanted to take me in a peaceful place. Free from noises, problems, issues. She wanted me to relax. I go with her, infront of the white beach.
People are waving at my Lola. She is quite popular in our province. She smile a lot. She laugh with the people around us. I spent my time watching the waves, drawing the sunlight kissing the oceans. I got the relaxation Lola wanted me to have.
Afternoon came, children are playing around the side of the ocean. Elders are watching from a far. Tourists are scattered, not too crowded.
"Tara, ate, doon tayo sa malayo!"
"Huwag d'yan, Yang. Ang lalim na masyado d'yan. May mga shokoy na d'yan."
"Dali na ate."
A young boy is pulling his older sister towards the beach. I look at them. Only to stare at the lady for a seconds. She looks worried.
I look away after a little while. Minutes past. That lady's scream terrified the people.
"Tulong! Tulong! Si Yang! Tulong! Tulungan niyo ang kapatid ko!"
I run towards them. People come over. I saw the young boy meters away us trying to find air while the water is drowning him. I tried my best to reach him as fast as I can. But as I am running half way to him someone is already there saving him.
A woman swim faster towards the boy. Lifting him up, helping him to breath. They move away the ocean. The lady run after her brother. People gathered to check the young boy.
Ignoring the woman who saved him...
"Kagaling lumangoy na bata talaga nitong anak ni Sholeng." I heard Lola approached me.
"She's... too brown." I didn't notice how I stared at her.
Lola laughed at me.
"Malamang babad sa dagat."
"And she's ugly." I added still looking to her while she's walking away.
I said that... With my heart beating fast.
Lola just laughed. I easily ignored everything after that. Never she walk in my mind again. But the next day I saw that 'anak ni Sholeng' walking at the side of the ocean, 4 am. I look away and decided to go back.
The third time, I saw her in the local market, buying soy sauce.
The next day, fourth time, I saw her playing with the children at the side of the ocean.
That night, for the fifth time, I saw her in her pajamas, facing the dark ocean, crying.
The next day is the day of our flight back in Manila. I saw her ten minutes before we finally entered the airplane... She's running... Running for someone. Someone she's crying for.
"Mama! Mama!" she shouted. But no one came for her. No one claim to be her mama.
For the last time, I ignore her. I don't know why all those days our path crossed I was the only one who seems bothered. Something just made me feel different. I don't know why it feels something strange everytime I see her. But I always managed to ignore.
I never expected to see her again. But the seventh time came... After three years. I unexpectedly saw her again. 12 midnight, at the busy bar club. Our eyes meet, and I ran. I don't even know why.
I thought that would be the last, but that seventh time is the beginning of something I didn't see coming.
Until that day came, when I saw her infront of 'Hills of Nikko' a 1964 painting of Jose T. Joya displayed at the National Museum of Fine Arts... I saw her differently.
She look up at me, I look down at her. We're both standing infront of the painting.
She smile genuinely at me. A smile that made things clear in my heart.
That...
True love never need a love potion.
