Six months to live (ZhanYi)

10

It's another Friday and waking up every morning and counting down hurt so much. Cheng's number isn't reachable. "I don't know if I should hope or not, or even discuss it with Zhan ge." since I am going to see him today.

I wish it was a dream and I would wake up one morning and find myself wrapped in Zhan ge's arm. "I just wish it was a horrible nightmare".

I get dressed and walked out of our one-bedroom apartment. I tried moving out of this place, but I can't bring myself to. This place is the only place full of happy moments of Zhan ge.

As Mr. Han dropped me in front of the prison, I feel an ache in my heart as I walk through security thinking of Zhan ge. The one that isn't painful but like the feeling is so heavy, it puts pressure on it. I feel the butterflies in my tummy and the tingles in my fingers, all of which I didn't think existed as I approach the visitor's room.

I slowly walk inside and lie in bed, trying to control my tears.

"Wang" Zhan ge calls my name as he walks in. I didn't even hear him knock on the door.

"Zhan ge" I smile at him as he lay beside me on the bed.

Should I tell him about Cheng or not? I think while laying with Zhan ge, talking about things like what existence itself is.

"But if space is always expanding, doesn't it has to expand into something?" Zhan ge asked.

"Wait. Yeah."

"Also you know how like we have a conscious right? Well what would there be if existence wasn't a thing? If nothing existed?"

"I think of a black void." I responded.

"But that's a black void. Not nothing. There can't ever be anything but because we're aware of consciousness, there has to be total unconsciousness. Like how without light, there isn't dark and if only one existed we would know that there's anything else."

I ran what Zhan ge said, over in my head a few times. "Right. Like if total unconsciousness didn't exist, we wouldn't be aware of consciousness at all."

"But wait-what about how like if you have an apple or something, there isn't an opposite."

"No apple. We know what it feels like to not have an apple in our hands but if we always had an apple in our hands, we wouldn't know what no apple felt like."

"But we can think of like what if we didn't have a hand," Zhan ge says, genuinely thinking very deeply about it.

Some people don't have hands. If we lived in a universe where no hands weren't a thing, we'd be unaware, but everything exists. It's like how we know shrimp can see colors we can't, yet we can't imagine those colors no matter what." I explain, almost too easy.

"I feel like you think about this a lot." Zhan ge says, barely being able to keep up.

"Oh I do," I answer, drawing a rocket ship with my finger on Zhan ge's chest.

"Hey," Zhan ge says, rolling over so that we are both laying on our sides facing each other. "I'm glad you exist"

I smile, the excited and happy type of tingles running through my body. "I'm glad you exist too, Zhan ge."

"Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, Zhan ge says. He says it playfully but it still makes my heart hurt.

"Stop, I'll cry," I say, half-jokingly.

"Don't cry my heart can't take it. Can you reincarnate into a star?" Zhan ge asks.

"Uh, I think so but I couldn't tell you for sure.