Six months to live (ZhanYi)

16

Three weeks. Three weeks until Zhan's execution date.

Yibo cries almost every night the last week and tonight is no different. His tears wet his pillowcase as they fall from his eyes and down his face. He doesn't try to stop it. He knows he can't.

His heart breaks more and more every day. It hurts so bad to not be able to be with him at the prison all the time and to have to leave him alone in that horrible place awaiting his death. Zhan doesn't deserve this.

Yibo went over everything in his head. He's tried to think of ways to get Zhan out of it, any way at all, but nothing will work. He's talked to his lawyer about the more legal and serious aspects of the case, but he always says it's not going to happen because of reasons Yibo can't remember. He tunes it out.

That sadness is not only taking his happiness away but it's taking everything else away with it. He hasn't been eating all that much lately, as his appetite is just not there anymore.

Also, he's gotten behind on his laundry and his dishes are almost all in the sink. He hasn't done anything. He just doesn't want to. All he wants to do is see Zhan.

Yibo genuinely has thought about going with Zhan. He hasn't thought about how, but he's thought about it. He knows it's selfish, but part of him doesn't care. He's not sure if he wants to live his life if it's not with him.

He said he wouldn't let this tear up his life but now, Yibo is not so sure if he can stand by his word anymore. It's already started, really. He's becoming more and more depressed as time goes on and he just can't stop it.

Yibo thought about how Zhan must feel. To know he only has three weeks left. To have to lay in bed and think about what will happen when he's gone? It's got to be so scary. Yibo is terrified just thinking about Zhan imagining it so he can't even begin to comprehend how it must feel to be in Zhan's place.

He's not sure if he'll even have anymore tears left to cry after this is all over. Yibo knows Zhan would want him to be strong but maybe...he doesn't want to. Maybe Yibo just wants to fall into the void-and, not the good one they've talked about.

It hurts, it really does. All he wants is for him and Zhan to be able to love each other without any worries. To be able to have more than three weeks.

That's all.

"Zhan ge, I just can't deal with it." Yibo says.

Zhan kisses the top of his head and pulls him closer to his side. "It's okay, Bo, It'll all be okay."

Yibo breathes in Zhan's scent as if it's the last time he ever will be able to. He holds him like it's the last time he'll ever be able to and he feels his heart beat like it's the last time he'll ever be able to. He savors every second he has with Zhan because there are only so many left.

"It won't be though. I can't do this. I thought I could but I can't."

Yibo is honest when he tells Zhan this. He really is starting to second guess himself. He can feel his mental state deteriorating as they speak. The thought of losing Zhan makes him want to crawl into a hole and never come out. The feeling of darkness
and sorrow swallows him whole anytime he lets himself surrender to the heartache.

"You're the strongest person I know, Yibo. You can do it. You have to."

Yibo feels his throat tighten and his heart being crushed under its own weight. He read one time that your heart can literally tear apart due to stress and heartbreak and he's starting to think that maybe he won't have to worry about losing Zhan first if that's the case.

"Zhan ge, I'm really worried. I'm serious. It's bad," Yibo says as a tear falls down his cheek and onto Zhan's shirt leaving a darkened spot on the light gray fabric.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Yibo asks.

"For everything. I'm sorry that I'm the reason you have to go through this. I'm sorry that I didn't protect you. I'm sorry that I can't give you what you deserve. I'm just...sorry, Zhan pushes out, his voice seeming to break at the end.

"No. No, please don't feel that way. I can't handle you feeling that way."

"I can't help it, Bo."

"Let's talk about something else. I can't do this right now."

Yibo has never been one to avoid his feelings or avoid confronting them but lately, with the whole Zhan thing, that's exactly what he's been doing. He truly cannot handle talking about it without feeling like he's going to break down or throw up.

He's been having a harder time day by day with it all. Each morning, waking up and forcing himself out of bed becomes more and more of a hassle. Forcing himself to eat anything besides ice cream and fast food is a struggle. All of his healthy coping skills seem to have been thrown out the window and he really doesn't have the energy to go and get them.

"Okay. How about, um, Mr. Lee? How is he doing?"

Zhan shrugs. "Good I guess. I mean as good as someone who just had a heart attack could be. I'm just beyond thankful that he lived."

Yibo really wasn't sure. He can barely stand the thought of losing Zhan. "Yeah, I mean hopefully it'll all work out in the end. He seems like a pretty tough guy." "Did you see him a lot? While he was working I mean?"

"Eh, kinda. He kept to himself more. He's always been one of the good guys though. He's fair and stuff which can't be said for a lot of the other guards."

"Yeah, he's a good guy, " Yibo says thoughtfully. "I think he likes his job too. He likes knowing he's doing something in life even if it's small."

"Oh trust me, having good guards makes a hell of a difference in our days."

Yibo gives a small smile and a light sigh.

"I'm proud of him. He's done good. Everyone was scared after his wife died that he wouldn't bounce back but he did. "I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but you'll be able to do the same with me, Bo. You know that right?"

"I don't. That's the thing, Zhan ge."

"You will. Trust me. Plus, you can't start doubting yourself. It'll only make things worse. You have to do it," Zhan says, in an almost desperate way.

Yibo realizes that Zhan is not telling him for his own sake. It's that Zhan needs to hear it for himself. He needs to know that Yibo will be okay.

"Yeah, you're right. I mean, I'll try my best. I'll survive."

Zhan doesn't say anything else. He just gives a single nod and Yibo knows that's all he really needed to hear, even if he still doesn't believe it himself.