Six months to live (ZhanYi)

14

Once they said it, they haven't stopped saying it. He loves Zhan. He does. Yibo's never been the type to believe you can fall in love but he has. He undoubtedly has.

He wonders if that makes it worse. If loving Zhan as much as he does, is going to ruin him even more. He doesn't see how it couldn't. He's been thinking about it a lot and as much as he feels that he's grown and made progress mentally, he's not sure if he'll be able to deal with losing Zhan as well as he would like to.

It's not an easy thing, is it? Losing someone you love. Someone, you've barely spent any time without. Someone who doesn't deserve to die, especially in the way Zhan is. It's all just very overwhelming to think about.

It all hit Yibo like a train. It's all going to happen in two months. That's a short amount of time to deal with their death. He barely has anytime to prepare himself. If one even can prepare themselves for something like this.

Yibo wonders if maybe he should've just kept his emotions out of it. If maybe he should've just stayed like a brother to Zhan. Would that be better? Maybe Zhan does need him in another way, but as blunt as it is, he's going to be gone soon anyway.

Yibo thinks maybe it's selfish to be second-guessing letting himself fall in love with Zhan, he's only thinking about how it would be easier for him if he didn't and not at all how it affects Zhan. He's human
though, and humans are selfish.

He's not sure what he would do if there was a magic button that he could press for this never to happen. He loves Zhan and he enjoys having him in his life, but at what cost?

What good is it doing either of them to have this relationship? Yes, it's going to make the end of Zhan's life better, but he'll be gone in two months, and then what does it matter to him?

In the end. Yibo knows he wouldn't take it back, he knows that in his heart, being with Zhan until the end, or rather his end is what he cares about the most. He's okay with the collateral damage it will cause him as long as Zhan's happy.

"Life just, when you're young you see it as this huge thing, this thing that's so much greater than yourself. I mean -it is greater than you or me but we're so small you know?"

Zhan nods, his head resting on Yibo's lap this time, as Yibo plays with his curls. "Yeah."

"It's just so crazy to me that we're so attached to ourselves and who we are, just for it to end. We let ourselves fall into this obsession of being 'Yibo' or being 'Zhan ' or whatever but, for what?" Yibo says, feeling like maybe philosophy is what he should be studying instead of being a chef.

"I've thought about that. Like how much of an impact can one person truly make? And what is the likeliness of you being someone who truly is remembered," Zhan adds.

"Exactly. What is the point? It's just one giant cycle. The circle of life I suppose

"It kinda makes me feel a little better. Like in fifty years, probably less, all of the bad stuff I've done will be forgotten."

"You haven't done a lot of bad stuff. Zhan ge.

"I just mean how people get so stuck on the littlest things. Feel guilt over practically nothing, wasting the time that they do have, for those things to be forgotten in the end. To not have mattered."

Yibo sighs. "It's hard to think about. There's no conclusion, no satisfaction."

"The things you talk about in an eight by eight cell really can change your life, Zhan says jokingly.

Yibo laughs, smiling, even more, when he looks down at Zhan who's looking up at him in the fondest way.

"I love you, you know?"