Motivated to be lazy

SS Hiding in plain sight

I like Ichinose Honami. I like her a lot. She's a wonderful, kind hearted person who shouldered an incredible burden. A burden that she has no obligation to fulfil, one that would have destroyed her if she continued on with it. Now that I'm in the position that I'm in, I realize that now. This burden... this role. Leading a class is not one for the faint hearted, the compassionate. This role is not for the naive, self sacrificing or the squeamish.

This role isn't for me neither. In fact, it isn't mine at all. I have regrets. The way that this school functions is by subterfuge and lies. While Ichinose Honami is a kind and honest person, I am not so benevolent. Like most people, I'm mostly self serving.

I would have been happy if Ichinose had continued to lead our class, I was content as things were. When she told us that she had been accepted to the Student Council, I watched as everyone excitedly praised and congratulated her. We all believed in her, it was wonderful news. It would benefit us as a group, having a Student Council member as your class representative gave you advantages and privileges that couldn't be easily obtained. We all praised her and some were genuinely happy for her simply because of her joy and excitement. Others were happy for her because of what it meant for them.

People misunderstand me as a cold and standoffish person. That couldn't be further from the truth. I don't hate people, I don't dislike interacting with people. I'm just awkward, I'm a wallflower. I don't like being the center of attention and I'm not proficient with needless social interactions. I like to be left alone with my own thoughts and I'm not someone who likes to be pushed into doing things.

It's why I can't believe the situation that I've put myself into. This position that I'm in... I don't know how I got here or how to get myself out anymore.

I want to believe that if I simply came clean and told Ichinose Honami everything. If I could just be honest and tell her about everything we've done behind everyones back, she would help me. She'd understand.

I'm not so sure it would work anymore. She's changed.

I feel like I'm struggling in quicksand and the more I try to fight my way out of it, the deeper I sink. It won't be long before I suffocate, for the sand to fill my lungs before I die. I feel like I've suffered a lifetimes worth of discomfort in only a couple of months. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it was supposed to be temporary. He promised me...

I don't know how she can date him. He terrifies me. I'm very, very good at hiding how I feel. It's how I've survived with deceiving everyone for all this time. The only one who knows the truth of Class B and my role as the figurehead representative of Class B is Ryuen. He's the only one who knows I'm a puppet, a tool that was manipulated into temporarily pretending to be the leader of Class B.

Kanzaki... that piece of shit. How did I allow him to convince me to do this?

I may as well come clean, I've been keeping this secret for so long that I've lost the ability to see where the lines blur. I've lied so many times in the past two months that it's difficult to keep track of what's real and what's a falsehood that I've perpetrated anymore. This stifling pressure, perhaps if I finally confess my sins, I can begin to lessen the burden. While Ichinose has changed a lot ever since she's started dating that... monster, if I can just tell her what we've done...

I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what everyone sees. Ayanokouji Kiyotaka... he frightens me. I've never been more afraid of a person in my entire life, despite the fact that I have only ever interacted with him once. That one interraction where he barely even addressed me at all. I swear on my life, just with a glance when he looked at me... It was as though every secret that I've ever hidden in my entire life was an open book for him to judge.