Scumbag Actor Screwup System

Chapter 42 - A losing game

A/N -  I will be updating on weekends from now on to preserve my sanity, sorry for making you wait!

Xu Tengfei had been surprised by a visit of his cousin a few days before the start of the filming of the new season.

"Hey, I brought you some snacks," he said, shaking a bag of his favorite taiwanese shrimp chips. Xu Tengfei nodded and offered a chair by his desk, his notes strewn around in a normal college student's chaos landscape.

"I thought you were filming, what brought you here?" asked Tengfei, trying to shut a notebook that had too many pieces of paper inside of it, and some suspicious looking little hearts in the margins.

"I just wanted a chat- can't a guy want to see his brother sometimes?"

Xu Tengfei tensed and that made Xiaosi laugh. Was he messing with him now?

"I just-" a chuckle, deep breath, "I wanted to give you advice, face to face."

"...okay," Tengfei was frowning a bit but continued looking attentive.

"I've given up on him. I think he's probably into you- he's gay, that's for sure. Don't pressure him, but also don't let him get away."

"Why did you give up now?" Xu Tengfei's tone was guarded, he looked serene but his nails were doing a good job of marking his palms without him being aware.

"Because he doesn't trust me. He went to bed with you, did you notice?"

Tengfei swallowed. He had noticed. He'd seen the man grow physically closer, he'd felt the random pats to his head and shoulder, the casual closeness, the cute teasing.

"Maybe he was cold."

Xiaosi gave him a knowing smile, which had Tengfei shaking his head.

"I don't want to push him. He almost stopped talking to me when you told him I liked him..." his voice trailed off.

Xiaosi nodded.

"But you can't help but wonder, right? I think he'll come around. Just don't let him out of your sight- If I'm not getting him at least you deserve to be happy."

Xu Tengfei looked down.

"Aren't you angry you can't be with him yourself?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm angry. But-" he paused, stopping Tengfei from replying when he saw him open his mouth, "not angry at you. At first I was, I was pissed- but yeah, it wasn't your fault. I think he might have been into me at first and that's what hurts the most. I'm angry I screwed up. I'm angry because he's good and because life pushed him into a closet- and because I developed feelings too deep too quickly. But yeah, I'll get over it."

Xu Tengfei gave him a wistful smile.

"Can't guarantee I can do any better, but I'm glad you're not angry at me. I could see myself spending my days with him, but it might be just a fantasy. I haven't kissed a guy since back then..."

"Except for me, of course," Xiaosi teased.

"That doesn't count," replied Tengfei, giving him a little punch that just made the little ass laugh. Tengfei couldn't help but smile a bit.

"I hope I redeem myself with this. I just reread Proud Immortal- and honestly, living like Luo Binghe doesn't sound like that great of a life. His resentment erased his humanity for a bit. I mean you can be pissed, justifiably so, but it's tragic to be. It's tragic to not let go and to just collect partners as if they were things. I can be better. I can wish you a good life and live with a little hole in my heart because of what might have been instead of a big one caused by the piercing feeling the world owes me something. The world is shit- you should have parents who love you and you don't, but you're not burning the world in rage. I'm not going to do it either."

Xu Tengfei gave a little sigh and patted his cousin's shoulder. Xiaosi put an arm around him in a half hug.

"Thank you," just a little whisper. No more words were needed.

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Xu Tengfei's old teacher was a dad joke sort of man. He loved teasing and making funny voices. He'd sort of adopted the boy when he was a kid. He'd admitted to him what had happened with his dad in a moment of honesty, and since then he'd been a bit protective, so it was both shocking and not surprising to see him try to push away Shen Qingqiu.

"You're beautiful and young and single, Xu Tengfei, why is it I hear you've been keeping to yourself and socializing very little?"

Xu Tengfei was fighting a headache already and didn't like those lectures, he was actually channeling a bit of a threatening aura and avoiding to snap at him. Shen Yuan had been chased away and was now going with a girl into his trailer, and people started whispering. But work distracted him, so he stopped focusing so much on his troubles and more on his character. The new Luo Binghe felt more natural to him, it was a bit like slipping on a second skin and being almost himself. It felt effortless. Bickering with Liu Qingge, being desperate to get his Shizun back, it felt so natural. Even if it was the worst in him, it didn't matter. Right now he felt he really might do anything to have him back.

That is why, when he heard the rumors of him leaving with another man, the stab of pain was even worse than before.

He was alone at home, looking at his notes without reading them and staring at his phone. He asked Shen Yuan who he was with, if it was maybe Xiaosi, returning for more. Not that he really mistrusted his cousin, but maybe it was him trying to make up again? But no, oh no, it was worse. It was Zheng Fa.

Xu Tengfei didn't really pride himself on having a gaydar, and even he could tell this person had a thing for shizun. He liked him. If Shen Yuan was coming around, why did it have to be with someone else?

He opened one of his dad's- uncle's bottles of wine and started drinking, glaring at the poor innocent phone that only showed a few seconds of Shen Yuan typing and no more. Shizun didn't send anything. He was out there with another man and that was worse than having him disappear into his trailer with Sha Hualing again. Shen Yuan kind of treated the women on the set as if he was their older brother. Tengfei didn't feel threatened there, not really although he could admit to maybe looming over Shen Yuan sometimes to intimidate them. Just a bit. This though, this was worse. With Zheng Fa, it just might be something else. It was agony.

The agony stretched a full day of prickling thoughts about where his Shizun had slept, what was going on and why he seemed to be admitting to be out on a double date with only men in the party. Little drops of acid falling on him and no-one to shield him.

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He stepped on the set on monday and acting was never so easy. The tears flowed out of him as if summoned by an external force. Seeing his Shizun's dead body on a slab of stone wasn't what was motivating him, it was his own fear of losing him. His fear of having attached himself to someone who wouldn't glance at him. So when he hugged what should be a corpse, the loss was so tangible it didn't matter what caused it. Shen Yuan wouldn't move, as a good actor. And as a good 'straight' man, he would surely not give a chance to a poor smitten college boy. 

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Next Chapter - Chapter 43 - Naked