why do you hate me?

4 - Emilia-Romagna

12.04.2022- 27.04.2022

I arrive at the airport at 9 o'clock- completely on time. Charles is there as well, of course he is.

I take care of my stuff and go into the plane as quick as possible. Millane leaves to fly home today as well but she is taking a different plane. I already miss her but instead I have to fly with Charles now. Nice.

When I hear Charles entering I just quickly close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

"I know you're awake Lilly, I heard you sending that voice message just a second ago"
He says, while sitting down on the couch in front of me.

I don't answer him.

"honestly I know you don't want to talk about what happened but at some point you have to. You can't just keep going out of my way all year, we are in the same team"

I open my eyes and look at him in annoyance.
"I know"

"than fucking talk to me Lilly"

"alright what do you want to talk about"

"why did you leave the morning after we... you know slept with each other"

"I think I made that very clearly"

"no you didn't. You just left a fucking note telling me nothing is going to change between us. You didn't leave an explanation to why nor did you talk to me since then so why did you leave?" he is clearly angry. Good that makes this whole 'hating him again' thing a lot easier.

"I don't need to explain myself to you" I say coldly

"oh I think you do, it's still affecting me just as much as it's affecting you so I think I have every right to know."

"It's affecting you? why? you hate me, forgot? you shouldn't care why I left because... because you never cared, why would you start now?" I'm shouting now and I can feel that I'm about to cry.

"that is not even true!" he shouts back at me

"what is not true?" I answer in an equal tone and volume

"that I don't care" he gets quiet "and that I never did"
I look at him questioning
"I did, you know? care I mean. All this time I did. Since the first time I met you I cared about you but you were busy with that fucking boyfriend of yours"
I remember him, I liked him but it was nothing special.

"I don't know what you did to me but just being near you killed me. So I build that wall. I pretended I hate you so that maybe one day I really will. But I could never hate you. The only person I hate is myself for even trying to hate you. So you're wrong. You're wrong when you say I didn't care. You're wrong when you say I don't care now. You're wrong when you say it shouldn't be affecting me but mostly you're wrong when you say that I hate you." a tear drops down his face. I didn't even realise he started crying until now. I'm taken apart by his words. He doesn't hate me?

"and when you started hating me back it hurt so much that I knew the only thing I could do was keeping the wall up. To keep pretending like you're the worst even though you are so brilliant and amazing."

"I... Charles I... I don't know what to say"

"It's okay you don't have to. I know your feelings towards me and I know that I'll never be able to accept that you hate me but I'll live with it. Just like I lived with it for the past years."