Taking Chances

Four

After talking to my parents, I take a shower and reheat the pizza I bought that night and eat it.

I play some music and light up a cigarette. I'm not a chain smoker, but once or twice during the week, I will allow myself the pleasure of enjoying one or two cigarettes.

I try reading some book, but my mind is out of it and so I light up another cigarette and let myself enjoy the music.

I only open the TV to watch the news. I enjoy listening to music and reading more as opposed to watching television.

I only have 8 contacts on my cellphone. My parents, my project supervisor from university, Mr Peterson's, my aunt, two colleagues and the pizza place's number to order in whenever I don't feel like cooking.

I am not a sociable being. I rather stay in with a glass of wine than be out. Dad says I take after my mother.

After studying for my accounting degree, I stayed about a year unemployed. Employment is hard to come by in our country.  During this time, I would help out my dad in the farm. A year later and I got an interview from The Secure Bank. I was hired on the spot.

I have been working there ever since.

Am I happy? I don't know. I am grateful though. I have a permanent job, an apartment, a car, a wonderful family. I am able to send my parents some money every month for them to spoil themselves even though they always complain that I shouldn't waste my money in them, but use it for myself since they don't need it. But I always do it because it feels good.

I love my company I do. I go out by myself. Do my shopping. Sometimes drive over to surprise my parents with an unexpected visit. I take care of my plants... Clean my apartment, read enjoy a good glass of wine and food...

But loneliness is universal feeling. Sometimes I do feel lonely.

I don't see myself in a relationship anytime soon. Finding love is hard especially for someone like me.

There aren't many lesbians to start with, or at least sapphic women that I know or likely to meet. I'm too uptight to try online dating. And I'm not the type to do flings or casual dating... I want... Whoooo I don't know what I want... Like my dad said, I'm a hard girl.

But I know that I never want to date someone just for it. I want an emotional connection. Something real.

I am a big girl. Chubby. I have no delusional about my looks, but I know that I am beautiful.

Approaching me is not easy since most people claim I always look serious. I don't know how Samantha does it. Men approach me, but I'm never interested. I have not had many women approach me, but once a while I will have one come up to me and tell me I'm pretty.

It always feels good to be told I look pretty by a woman.

Of course I want love. But chances of me finding it in this lifetime are very slim, knowing the person I am.

I finish the third slice of the pizza and take my plate to the sink. I wash the few dishes and head for my bedroom. I brush my teeth and get it bed.

Mother sends me the recipe and I thank her and tell her I will try it out and then send her the picture of how it turns out. I scroll through Instagram and after a while, I put my phone in the charger and turn off the lights. It's a few minutes past 9 pm.

I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. The dark room is illuminated by the moon outside through my window. I feel tears approaching and a few fall onto my cheeks.

I don't why I'm crying. Is it because of my big body? Because of the loneliest I feel but always push away. The fear that no one will ever truly want or love me? I don't know.

I laugh at myself. My period must be around the corner, I always get a bit emotional just before I go on my period.

I face the other way and drift off to a peaceful sleep.