Taking Chances

Thirty four

The rest of the evening goes smoothly. Zho and Sam back to playing with Anna and giggling like high school girls.

Sam suggests sleeping in the guest bedroom, I tell her not to be absurd, but inside I'm also nervous. And so we all sleep in my bedroom, on the same bed.

After some debating, I finally settle in the middle and them next to me. "Who were you texting earlier, when you were angry in the sitting room, sitting by yourselves when I came out of the shower?" I ask Sam. She laughs, Zho is quiet.

"So jealous..." Sam smiles. But I'm not smiling.

"Kim."

I keep quiet and she stretches her hand and takes her phone, she gives it to me and shows me her messages. She really was texting Kim. "Sorry," I say not sure what I'm apologizing for.

I guess she was right, I am selfish. I am very flawed. I try to calm my breathing and not get in my feelings.

"What's wrong?" Zhoya whispers. "Nothing baby" I say kissing her forehead and pulling Sam closer to me.

" I will try to be better for you. I will try to show you more love, so you don't doubt my love for you. And I will try not to be so selfish" I trail off.

Sam leans on her hand and looks at me. "Listen love, I didn't mean what I said. I was just angry... You are not selfish and I know you love me..."

"But to have said that, you must have been feeling it..." I say tears of frustration threatening to spill from my eyes.

"When we are angry, we say stuff that we sometimes don't mean Z... And I didn't mean it..."

"Well what would you like me to do to show you that I do love you just as much? Or how would you like me to be less selfish?" I ask her.

"Wow..." She says sitting up.

"Firstly, how about you let this go. I forgave you for what you said earlier, why can't you do the same?"

"Because it's different" I say

"No, it's not."

My throat feels right and I start crying. I feel like such a weak bitch. I'm sorry, but her words hurt me.

Zhoya shifts next to me. "Please stop fighting," she says softly. My heart melts and more tears flow out of my eyes.

I don't know what to say. I need some space alone. I could get up and sleep in the guest bedroom, but it wouldn't be right.

"Sorry for waking you up baby."

I sigh, "hearing you say that I don't love you as much and that I'm selfish, just kind of took me out Sam. Because where is that even coming from? But then again you feelings are valid and again by dismissing you like that, I would be acting like the selfish person you think I am..."

"But I'm telling you I didn't mean it, I was just angry."

"That's not the truth and you know it."

"Baby, forgive her please. You are the most selfless person I know. She was just upset.  And I have seen how much you love her. Samantha, Zuhrah loves you very much. Hardly a day goes by that she doesn't speak of you. She's always mentioning you in her plans. She even has a space for you in her closet, like she has one for me... She loves you... And in her own way, she loves Anna too"

"Not the cat again..." I say and they both chuckle. 

"I'm sorry Sam." I say apologising despite the heaviness in my chest, despite feeling like crying. I apologize because I am sorry and I want us to be okay again. Because I don't want us to fight. I don't want to lose her. I love her.