Dancing To Your Tune

Craving For Love

Rain fell in steady pattern, icy cold water hit pedestrian as they scrambled to get to where they were going. April was witnessing some mood swings in the weather as students geared up for new year in the schools. Akk Kanaphan was wondering whether he should cancel his blind date seeing the weather was getting worse by minute. He wasn't sort of person who normally went on blind dates or even date in general but his friend had almost begged him to. His date was cousin of this girl his friend was courting for some time and she wanted him introduce someone to her cousin. Akk had protested vehemently but his friend had been persistent. He just had to show up and spend some time together and if they didn't like each other they could forget about this all.

That's how Akk found himself walking into the cafe where they were supposed to meet and saw a girl sitting at the far end dressed in red dress as he was told. It was funny and weird that Akk wasn't shown any photo of the girl he was supposed to meet, Khanlong said it would make it more romantic that way, not that Akk found it even remotely romantic. He made his way to the girl who was sipping his coffee, he hadn't even waited for Akk to arrive before ordering. He would let that slide for now. He took his seat and greeted the girl. She looked a bit younger than he had anticipated. She didn't look like she was his age but Khanlong had said she had finished her college and was working now.

"Hello, I'm Akk Kanaphan."

The girl looked at him with quizzical expression, "And?"

"We were supposed to meet for the blind date."

"What?" She asked confused.

Akk felt like maybe she wasn't his date and was about to get up and apologize when he felt someone drag him out of the seat by his collar. He couldn't keep his balance and collided with a solid chest as he came face to face with a boy who looked pissed off.

"What do you think you're doing?" Akk exclaimed.

"I should be asking you that. Are you hitting on my sister?"

"What? No-"

"She's too young for you, pedophile."

Akk cheeks turned pink with embarrassment. People were looking at them now, whispering amongst them, "Look, it's not like that-"

"Shut up. I know pathetic perverts like you."

Akk was fidgeting, he didn't like being center of attention and more so for bad reasons. Few people had their phones out and were recording. Digital era had made everything seem like a spectacle to people, just to record and upload for likes or views. He didn't like that his embarrassment was being filmed and would be on the internet forever. The guy looked mad as hell and it felt like he was seconds away from pummeling Akk to the ground. He tried to take a step back but was held in place.

"It's not like that. I mistook her for my date."

The boy scoffed, "At least make up a good excuse."

"It's true." Akk tried to shake off the hold on just collar but to no avail.

"People like you deserve a good beating."

"Phi, let it go." The girl pulled at her brother's arm.

After much contemplation, the boy let go of his collar and stormed out of the cafe with his sister. Akk exited as well with his eyes downcast. He knew people were giving him dirty looks and he wanted to make them understand but he knew no one would believe him. Akk had this bad habit of being people's pleaser. He always wanted everyone to like him. Since he was little he had learnt to do things the way people around him wanted him to. He didn't know how to say no to family or friends. More like he wasn't taught how to say no, he was raised to be an obedient son, a responsible brother and loyal friend. Going astray, defying orders, raising questions weren't in his vocabulary.

His parents believed in strict discipline and had engrained in his mind that it was his duty to fulfill their wishes. He had never questioned that. Getting good grades, working hard on school work, being good in extracurricular activities were expected of him and he delivered on that. Academy lessons were scheduled right after his school ended to help him earn extra credits to get into good college. He took lessons for english, piano and other subjects. He had been also enrolled in preparatory classes for college entrance exam. It hardly left any time for him to focus on himself or do things for enjoyment. With time he had forgotten how to have fun or just relax. His time had been accounted for, each second needed to be utilized to achieve something.

It all ended when he couldn't crack the entrance exam for the best colleges. He didn't get into any of top five colleges. To say his parents were disappointed would be an understatement. He got good beating from his father that day while his mother went on and on about him being constant failure. He got into the next best college picked out by his parents and somehow finished his degree maintaining a good CGPA. His father had pulled some strings to get him a job at a good marketing company but Akk wasn't interested, not that he could say that in front of his father. He quit after two years and his parents had concluded he would continue to be a disappointment no matter what they did so they had left him on his own.

Akk wasn't sure whether to be thankful or sad about that. He wasn't welcome at home anymore so he avoided going there. He had rented an apartment near work and was pretty comfortable being alone. Now that he had been left on his own, he felt like he could breathe. He had no one to nag him or tell him what to do, it was liberating though lonely as well. His little brother, Zane was in high school now. Their relationship was a bit hard to explain. Akk absolutely adored his little brother. To him, Zane was his everything. One person he could do literally anything for.

As for Zane, he considered Akk more like someone who would follow his every command, someone he could control according to his whims. Akk couldn't see that he was just a tool to his brother, he considered it love and did his best to be worthy of it. Akk had been taken advantage of by lots of people. His classmates in school, college, his colleagues, and his ex-boyfriend. If there was group project, Akk would do all the work, he let his friends copy his homework or assignments, he event wrote their assignments because that's what good friends did. People befriended him to get their work done. His colleagues would dump their work on him. If any mistake occured or a problem arose, he was the one blamed and he couldn't even defend himself.

His ex-boyfriend hadn't been any better. He paid for all the outings, he bought him gifts or whatever he asked for. In relationship it was his role to take care and provide for everything. Akk gave him ride to work and other places, funded his outings with friends or shopping spree. Even while they were being intimate, his pleasure didn't matter. He was just there to satisfy his partner. In return he was given crumbs of affection. He never complained or demanded answers. There were times dates would be cancelled at the last moment or he was asked to run errands for his boyfriend even though he was busy himself. He wasn't allowed to ask questions or for an explanation. It was expected of him to do as told.

Maybe it was because he craved love so desperately that he took whatever was given to him. It was right that hungry people would eat anything and he was so starved of love that anything felt good. No one had ever taught him what love actually felt like, how it felt like to be cared for or appreciated. Maybe no one ever would but Akk didn't really care about that. He was okay with being treated this way, he didn't consider himself worthy of something more than this.