Lawless Heaven by AshlynLynx
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences.
I read all 9 chapters of your story available at this time.
Your book tags mention a lot of genres. Adventure, anime, coming-of-age, dystopian, historical and romance. That makes me ask 'what is it then?' You also give two tags to 'literature' and 'novel', as generic as it comes versus something that defines your specific novel.
From our conversation, I got a feeling that the book is likely a YA adventure-fantasy. I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now.
Your title feels a bit more paranormal to me rather than fantasy, but I think it's solid and holds a promise of adventure. Well done! I can't really say much about your blurb, because you simply use a quote from the book in its place. If you want to learn how to write a blurb that would 'sell' your book to those browsing Wattpad, I would suggest checking out the BootcampMentorship Workshop book that has a great chapter on the art of writing blurbs.
I feel that the first two chapters of your story establish an interesting situation—this is a day when normally three kids are sacrificed—and I see a hint of a religious conflict in the community.
However, it would have been a bit easier for me to follow, if there were just a bit more content to ground me in the world. It feels like a lot of things I need to know remain unsaid.
For example, you describe the normal, expected village chores, but the Fellow and the Orator are not something from the real world, so maybe a few more words when introducing them could be helpful. The Orator has his duties described at some point, and the Fellow has a bit of lore (he is nameless and immortal) coming in later. Expanding it earlier on can create more interest in the quest. I want to understand the situation and the villagers' beliefs better to become invested into the trip to/through the forest.
Another way to add interest to the opening chapters is putting me more into Eli's shoes. Eli has one sentence to his mother to justify his volunteering to be a sacrifice, yet the highly emotional moment of making the choice is not reflected internally/emoted, despite this being Eli's POV and happening before my eyes.
I was really confused when I read chapter 4. I had no idea where and when itbelonged in the timeline, because chapters 3 and 5 seemed to have taken place in the forest after the group departed, while chapter 4 was in the village.
I found the transition between paragraphs 3 and 4 of the following chapter 5 confusing as well. There is an attack on one person (the Fellow), but in the next paragraph the two other characters are coming to an entirely different group of attackers. The forest they were so afraid of (I think?) seemed to be rather small and densely populated. I didn't figure out why they were afraid of going there and sent three kids annually.
The biggest hook I saw so far was the Fellow's question, "Why did they send me, when they only send kids?" remains unanswered, as well as the associated hooks. Since the Fellow is ancient, why did he only volunteer this particular time? Or did he volunteer before and was rejected? What changed this year? This is a pity because it is a really good hook and an interesting character. I liked how his story continued in chapter 7.
Chapter 7 is my favorite because it has a clear personal conflict that has a potential to grow. It is easy to connect the dots and I can see seeds of a bigger conflict. The Orator and the Village become an antagonist. There is a cohesion of the Fellow's internal conflict with the external one.
I felt there was more character development for Eli and Amias in chapters 8 and 9 than previously, but I didn't see any growing progression or clear conflict in their storyline. Things just happened to them and they could have been anyone from what I could understand.
My biggest suggestion to you at this stage is to simply tell the Fellow's story. Your multiple POVs, in my view, detract from the solid construction that hides in there and overload the first nine chapters with randomness.
In terms of style, I feel that a thorough proofread can be beneficial. There are a lot of words and combinations of words that seem out of place. I puzzled over 'culled vegetables', 'wet mood' or 'weight' used instead of what I suspect supposed to be a 'bundle' or 'decorum' used in place of 'decor'. These unusual combinations give me a 'huh?' feeling, interrupting the reading far too often than I would have liked.
Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful!
