The Mechanical Muse by FranklinBarnes
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences.
Your style is lovely, I have no troubles reading it, so I am going to leave out some of my regular review components and focus on the matters of opinion. I read 10 first chapters of the story.
I am capturing the first piece of feedback after chapter 3. I really liked the idea expressed in one of the early chapters that the most important thing about achievement is the dream. That only a human being can be responsible for reimagining themselves. I love it, but then I look at the title, and I am wondering if it's an inverse of what is happening. I see the human as the muse of the machine, the source of inspiration. The AI produces, not inspires, the creation of the alter-ego Chris.
Another thing I would suggest in these early set-up chapters is to show a little more of the depth authentic Chris is capable of before he buys into Valdez' male power fantasy. Here is where I would suggest giving Lucy a voice that will contribute female fantasy. Everything in these opening chapters is undiluted incel, very much about creating Chad, down to chest hair, so it would be nice to plant a seed of doubt about the validity of the sweeping assumption that all women are shallow, and they all just love dick pics in their inboxes. To me, it would be interesting material for her versus the spiel about AI being the latest and greatest loom in the factory of dreams.
This also made me wonder if the universal theme captured in the last line of your blurb is accurate or if what you were getting at is: does Chris want to be loved for who he actually is, does he need to prove to himself that he is loveable as is, not boring as Valdez puts it. I put a pin in this question as I read further to see which direction you were actually heading. After reading 10 first chapters, I would suggest considering going for the seeking genuine human connection and love motive.
I am particularly suggesting it, because Chapter 10 is where the bargain with Mephistopheles takes place versus the original Faustus where the bargain is an inciting incident. This shift from beginning to midpoint to me asks for change in the driver for the main character, to give Chris more intensity of desire and heighten his needs and wants from the start. In Faustus, Hendrick reveals that he can't maintain the status quo any longer right away, and Mephistopheles comes right in.
For Chris, it's not so.
He waffles, not really wanting or needing much. His obsession with Eros points to a romantic driver, but his investment in his love triangle is pale. His sorrows are mild compared to the young Werter. It is underscored by Valdez' and Lucy's fireworks, who wholeheartedly enjoy the dark side and have an obvious and fun will they/won't they dynamic that is easy to invest in.
I think you can invest me into Chris by highlighting his wants and pushing them up a notch.
Having a photo of someone jet skiing on his phone as a screensaver will help; making him a secret fan/guilty pleasure admirer of Harry Styles will help--hey, he can mix One Direction with Gatsby and that will be a hoot.
Then comes the big one: the love triangle and a bond with Cassandra as what Chris actually needs vs what he wants.
Because Chris is on Eros obsessively, because he has incel vibe, giving him the obsession with Cassandra and starting the story with him trying to calculate if he can message her the third time yet without freaking her out after her ignoring her messages will raise his stakes in the relationship and put a Nerd's True Love trope to work, making me anticipate that he will eventually get the girl he genuinely wants to connect with.
Underscoring his want of a real relationship with this specific girl versus a nebulous desire to get anything--and he doesn't really act on it anyway when he gets the chance--will make it easier to get invested in the outcome of AI shenanigans.
It will make Cassandra's noticing him in a matter of seconds after AI spruces up his profile particularly poignant. It will cast Gretchen in a different light, helping to emphasize that creating a waifu is fixing his problem in a wrong way.
Plus, it has a potential to power up the narrative with another trope, again, helping with the investment. To that end, I would also suggest infusing the rivalry into the triangle with Gretchen.
Rebellious or human-like AI initially intended for wish fulfillment is classic for a reason.
If Chris keeps tinkering with Gretchen correcting this and that to make her less like Cassandra, she will catch up on that fast, and that will create drama/conflict/surprise. The way Chris designed her, she is into him and wants him to love her, not to be his rebound. The more irony you can inject there, the more investment is possible in that part from a human, in my view. Doctor's story in Star Trek Voyager with his simulated family is fun because it shows the reality of emotions when dealing with imaginary situations. While everything is perfect, he doesn't really get what he needs out of his simulation of family.
My final note is about ahead of its time what ifs and a historical adventure.
In the early days of Wild West instagram Narcissus would have fooled people, but where we are now, with filters and simulators, the video evidence of something that's too good to be true will be called into question right away. Cassandra would have a war going on Twitter in seconds, calling to cancel Chris and his buddies.
So, I think, you might be past the point where you can rely on the brain teaser appeal of ahead of its time imaginings. You are essentially writing a historical yarn set in the late 1990s, like Matrix. I think treating it like that would work well with your tongue-in-cheek style.
Capturing that wow mindset when you saw for the first time that you can recolor your dress in a wedding picture might be a better bet atm than trying to stay just slightly ahead of the game. It's just not surprising enough any more.
I think there is lots and lots to love in your story, and adding the intensity to Chris and the drama to his relationships will align it better with Goethe, and will give your Mephistopheles more hold over him.
Good luck with developing your story and I hope these notes are (a little bit) helpful!
