The Phantom Conspiracy written by TypedInk
• Title & Cover: I actually love everything about your cover, and I think the title is equally unique. The colors are fitting due to the overall theme of your story, and I like that Giana is dressed up as a detective, considering this is a mystery. (5/5)
• Blurb: The description is adequate enough to get by, but it doesn't pull me in. I think the main issue here is with how it's worded. The words don't flow smoothly together and it creates some chunkiness with your sentences.
I do like the first sentence of your blurb, but after that, you kind of go into over-explaining. I don't recommend stating 'it all began...' because that's a 'tell' word, and it just doesn't work for a book description. Instead, maybe say something like this: 'An alleged petty crime, soon turned into a high profile murder case.' Or just do without that part all together and write something else there instead?
Lastly, I do like the last paragraph, but I'm not a fan of how it's written. Maybe rewrite it a few different ways until you find one that stands out the most and pulls you in as the author? Make sure that you take your time with it and don't think about it too much. Personally, my best descriptions come to me when I'm not even really trying. (3/5)
• First Impressions: You open with a strong hook here. First of all, I'm curious as to why our protagonist is up in the middle of the night and what must have happened to her. This will encourage me to keep reading in order to get the answers I desire. With that being said, the sentences are somewhat clunky with how you wrote them in. It's basically 'she did this' 'she felt this' 'she did this again.' I suggest lengthening the sentences where applicable to enhance the flow. In the next paragraph when she coughs up blood, instead of stating that's what she did, maybe say 'she coughed, blood splattering on the concrete beneath her.' Personally, I think that sounds a little bit better and is more appealing to the eye.
I do find it odd that our FMC is trying to hide from people who are tracking her down, and talking out loud to herself. Wouldn't she be doing anything in her power to remain quiet and invisible to them? She actually talks to herself the entire time here, which I do find a little bit unrealistic. It kind of pulls me from the story, making it difficult to follow along with. If these are actually her thoughts and not her speaking to herself, maybe use italics instead? And how does someone capture an entire alley? Did you mean that they were surrounding it?
The rest of this chapter remains at a steady and relatively smooth pace. I enjoyed getting to see a little bit of what her home life was like. But I also have to state that the chapter ended too abruptly and altered the pacing in its final words.
Chapter two starts out a lot like chapter one did. There's a lot of short sentences and a lot of blockiness going on. Down below, you state that she found something resembling a seal. Then you state it looked royal, but that's all we get on that. How would something appear royal? Maybe some more detail here would be beneficial.
Further down, you say 'dazed with the days happenings.' This sentence doesn't come together very well and it almost sounds repetitive when speaking it out loud. Even though it's not. I suggest changing that sentence entirely. Keep in mind that you want readers to be able to read your story without anything getting in the way. You don't want them getting hung up on sentences etc.
When Giana and Riccard start conversing, there's an immense lack of detail, emotion, and character traits in general. It's just dialogue for 2-3 pages. When writing a book, it's important to visualize the entire scene. This will help you think of other things to add in and focus on as well. You didn't even display what they were thinking as they were talking back and forth. Remember, your characters are meant to portray real people.
