Something Wicked written by pixelmum
INITIAL IMPRESSION | 11/15
Title & cover
Covers are always hard to work out, especially for those of us who are graphically untalented (me), but this one has the essential things: I can read the title and the words, there are some cool details in the lettering, and it's not messy. However, it doesn't do much else for me, and it's pretty simple. Once I read a bit, I felt like there were areas you could draw inspiration from to make the cover more original, like leaning into that Arabian theme a bit more. As for the title, at first glance I don't have any problems with it, but it's also a little unextraordinary. However, I always say I think we put too much emphasis on titles, and this is no exception. If you like it and it comes into play later on, it's none of my business at this point.
Blurb
This blurb literally made my eyes turn to little hearts. It's PERFECT--the snappy intro, the wait for any names to be introduced, the flow; it's so beautifully done and I love it, but I am not here to solely praise, I am here to scrounge, so give me a moment while I do that.
I'm back. So you've got a little repetition, specifically with the word 'into' used twice in one phrase. Then you have a bit of an awkward sentence after 'right' (I also just hate asking the readers questions in most circumstances) and I think you might benefit from moving that around a bit so it looks more like: 'Jason Torres has his route back from rock-bottom perfectly planned out until he gets catapulted...' (This just looks nicer to me and is a bit clearer). Other than a few little wordy errors, this is grade-A blurb perfection.
LOGISTICS & FLOW | 23/25
So I'm doing this a bit differently. When you applied to review your main concern or 'question' was if this book could be turned into a serious project. My answer: Well, it already is. It's artfully written and amusingly snappy. However, I can tell what you mean concerning the 'seriousness' of the project, so I've amalgamated the logistics and flow sections to address what I think you can do to clean up the story a bit in a way that stays true to the fun of the book.
Walking the line
There is a very very thin line between logistics and creative freedom. We all know I'm a certified grammar freak, not just because I find value in it, but because I love being able to forgo the rules sometimes in the name of drama. You're doing that a lot in this book, primarily in the form of starting with verbs that lack subjects and skipping out on a few commas. The latter didn't affect my understanding at all, but occasionally, the former did. This often looks something like this: 'She picked up the book from her desk. Examined it very closely.'
The choice to start with the verb here and skip out on saying the subject again contributes greatly to the unprofessional, arid tone of your MC. I just think you might want to be careful of how much you use it. This verb-starting phenomenon is one I went all-out on in my standalone book, so I have a few tips to make it work as best as possible. If you're going to start with the verb, just make sure that the subject has been cleared in the sentence before to ensure readers correctly attribute who the verb belongs to. So for example, if you say 'She picked up the book from her desk. Examined it very closely.' There are no conflicting subjects here, so no confusion is caused. However, if you say 'She picked up the book right as he glanced over at her. Examined it very carefully.' Since the verb doesn't follow the exact subject doing it in this case, it causes some confusion and I'd go back and either rearrange or adjust the grammar bending. Just something to watch out for in editing that I noticed a few times.
Coming back to breaking grammar rules in the name of creativity, there was a third and final instance of you doing this, and that's starting with conjunctions. Again, never impeded my understanding but did chop up your story quite a bit. Another point--starting with a conjunction is a great way to be dramatic, but if you use it super often, the effect is not as effective when you want it to be. There were a few areas I felt you didn't really need to begin with the conjunction, and a full stop or a dash would've looked and felt quite a bit better. Again, I know you know your grammar rules, so I've guessed all of these are being done consciously. These are just my suggestions that might clean up the book while keeping the tone.
Rushing
The first instance of a bit of rushing in this story came at the end of the first chapter. I felt strongly that the realization that he (or the demon) had killed people came a bit too quickly and a bit too jerky. Because he says he did kill them, then says he didn't, I just felt like the dramatic turn was softened and not quite capitalized on as much as it could've been. I chalked this up to a bit of rushing only because I saw it a few other times in the coming chapters. This is something you might want to keep in mind while editing.
DESCRIPTION | 9/10
Scenes
As always, you're great at distinguishing characters and their relationships. Hoooooowever, there are some places where you impeded the natural movement of a character conversation by butting in with the narration. For example, when Robby is sad and Jason is trying to make it up to him, Robby goes to stand, Jason has some internal sentences, and then he grabs Robby's wrist, which feels a bit slow and choppy to me. For one, I felt Jason saying that he swears he spends so much time trying to make it up to Robby wasn't really necessary because it was already very much shown to us (or about to be shown to us). If you wanted it in there, though, I'd just move it down to a less time-sensitive part. Sometimes I felt like a character was moving in slow motion as Jason did his internal thing.
On the opposite side of the spectrum is when Jason speaks before he thinks on a non-time-sensitive part, and that also contributed to a bit of a hindrance. For example (slightly revised to be safe for minors):
'"She's trying to help."
"Fine. I'll go."
Like I had a choice.'
To me, this would just be sooo much cleaner if the 'like I had a choice' was put before the words. And it's also a chapter skip ending, so the dialogue at the end would be better to end on. Again, the internal thing is awesome, but maybe just consider moving things around so it doesn't impede the timing of a scene.
Characters
I don't have much to say here! The characters in this book are expertly done, as always. I love how different they are, their own little details and issues they have, and Jason's tone. The only thing I might suggest is that you could definitely do with a tad more physical description, and it might make the story feel a bit more natural.
ORIGINALITY | 10/10
Plot
I'm always in awe of your plots, but this is a new favourite. I can tell you wrote with info-dumping in mind because I couldn't find a single instance of it. Everything was exposed to me quite perfectly. The way Sylvia asks him what happened, so he explains it to her and also to us? Nice. I also loved the more conventional plotline, how we start right in the middle of the action and then move to a more slow-moving place. In terms of overarching themes, it feels quite original to me.
Tone
I've mentioned your tone quite a few times in this review. You use a lot of 'gonnas' and stuff to showcase the slang, but I didn't feel like it was used too much. Jason is great to be in the head of. Not only is he super fun, but also struggles with a lot of common (and a lot of not-common) problems. I think a lot of readers would love to come along on his story just based on his tone.
FINAL COMMENTS | 53/60
As always, I really enjoyed reviewing your work. I think it's fun, snappy and very unique. There are some areas you could do some cleaning, but overall, I find myself very interested. And that titled drop in the second chapter? Beautiful. Keep up the great work, and I hope I gave you some areas to focus on in editing!
