Review: Facing Fear by MiyaHikari
Chapters read: 0-6
Blurb
It's a decent blurb. The logline describes the premise succinctly and the summary gets the same point across with some added context on the characters, world and genre. Looks like we're getting some horror along with our sci-fi.
My suggestions below are some tweaks for clarity and specificity.
Logline
An ex-gamer enters a self-help simulation gone rogue in order to reset the game and rescue her younger sister.
It's good! But could we make it even punchier? Let's focus on the key goal only: rescuing the sister. Resetting the game is a means to an end; we don't need it stated here.
An ex-gamer enters a self-help simulation gone rogue to rescue her younger sister.
Alternatives:
An ex-gamer enters a self-help simulation gone rogue in search of her younger sister.
An ex-gamer enters a self-help simulation gone rogue to save her younger sister.
Whether you want to consider these options depends on the situation with the sister and how important it is to emphasise her situation vs the simulation going rogue. If the sister takes prominence, then highlight the threat to her (rescue / save). If the sister is more of a plot device to get the protagonist in the game and the rogue simulation is the main hook, "search" could work.
Summary
Eight years ago, Mori Fukutomi held the rank of number two player in the tactical hero shooter game SniperX. But fate and her parents had other plans and Mori now works in an accounting firm with her dreams of being a pro gamer buried six feet deep.
We start by setting the context for our protagonist. This is good: gives us a brief sense of her history and a clue that she likely has a skillset pertinent to the premise. Where it slightly falls down is the use of the idiom "buried six feet deep", which feels flat. Her background is a familiar setup and the language makes it sound a little more tired than it needs to.
So, can we freshen it up?
Eight years ago, Mori Fukutomi held the rank of number two player in the tactical hero shooter game SniperX. But her parents had other plans and Mori now works in an accounting firm with her dreams of being a pro gamer long since buried.
Well, this just makes it slightly snappier. Let's try reworking the paragraph:
Eight years ago, Mori Fukutomi held the rank of number two player in the tactical hero shooter game SniperX. But, under pressure from her parents to pursue a (reliable? respectable?) career, Mori gave up her dreams of being a pro gamer for life as an accountant.
It's slightly more specific and allows room to elaborate on her parents' motivations. Not a significant difference from the original by any means, but there might be some language in there you'll find useful.
Games like SniperX are old relics in the face of virtual reality tech and their pioneer gem--a simulation designed to analyze the psyche of its players and adapt itself accordingly, creating a safe terrain for players to take risks and discover themselves. They call it Facing Fear.
But FEAR, the technological entity governing the virtual world of Valor, decides the thing humanity fears most is death.
Next we introduce the game. Also good! The logical order of the summary makes sense, no issues with the structure. Here I didn't understand the phrase "pioneer gem"—maybe it's specific to the story but it isn't explained and feels unnecessary when you've got the word "simulation" right there.
