Review: Monsters and Magic by TAHuber
Chapters read: 5
Key strengths
Intrigue with Mattias
The strongest parts of the story I read were the interactions with Mattias, in particular the conversation between Mattias and Seth in Chapter 5 about Cora, which suggests she may be more than she appears. That made me sit up and take notice. I like the hints of a connection with this world. Intriguing stuff.
The other thing I really liked about Mattias was his first line: "Don't call me that." (After Seth calls him "Matt".) It's just so brusque, it immediately felt distinctive and gave me a sense of mystery that felt fitting with the overall tone of the scene.
All of this added depth to the character, and in turn the world, which I appreciated.
Readability
The writing itself flows well and is very accessible. There are some typos, but nothing that significantly impedes comprehension. There's a nice balance between dialogue and action. In Chapter 4, for example, there's a scene where Seth, Cora and Mattias are talking while Mattias tends to her injured shoulder, which successfully juggles progressing the conversation alongside mending the wound. Not as easy as it looks—well done.
Key areas for improvement
Introduce Seth
The story starts in the wrong place.
Now, I'm all for starting in media res. Throw us right in the thick of it with Cora in a cell and let us figure out what's happening as we go: great. But the execution doesn't work, and the fundamental reason behind that is the choice of opening.
Think about the story structure. This is how your set-up goes:
1) Cora steals fruit.
2) Cora is caught and imprisoned.
3) Cora meets Seth, who offers to help her.
4) Seth helps Cora to escape.
5) Seth takes Cora through a portal to another world.
The opening of the story skips points 1-3 and goes straight into 4 after a fairly small snippet of conversation between Cora and Seth. It doesn't do enough to establish Seth as a character.
And it's important that the story does introduce him properly. Seth is the catalyst for the entire premise, the inciting incident. Meeting him is the turning point that changes Cora's life. He's the one who brings her to a new world, and I assume their relationship lies at the heart of the story.
So we have to see their first meeting. It's vital. It sets up everything: the context of the scene, Seth as a character, the tone of their relationship, and his decision to help her escape. The references to their previous conversations in Chapter 1 and 4 feel frustrating as a reader, because they're summarising a scene that we ought to have seen.
I would love to see a first chapter that starts with Cora and Seth's first meeting, then gradually builds up to him gaining enough trust from her that she's willing to follow him when he breaks her out. Don't tell us that he's kind unlike the others, show it. Show the others as contrast. Where are the family in all this? We need to see their cruelty to make Seth's kindness stand out in comparison, establish the stakes, and give Cora a strong motive to follow him.
Build the tension
Chapter 2 ought to be full of suspense since it covers Cora escaping with Seth, but unfortunately there's zero tension. Here's why:
1) We don't know what the stakes are. We have no idea who captured her in the first place or what the consequences are if she's caught, so there's no clear sense of what the danger is.
2) Nobody is after them. We haven't met her captors or even been told who they are.
3) This lack of context also means that Seth's rescue falls flat. Can Cora trust him? He asks her to but with very little sense of who he is in this whole situation, I'm stuck at wondering why he's there in the first place.
We're finally told in Chapter 5 what Cora did (stealing fruit) and the dialogue reveals that it was Seth's parents who imprisoned her and intended to do "horrible things". That's still vague, and it comes too late to build the appropriate tension in the previous chapters.
To make this sequence pop, there needs to be a clear sense of danger. I would definitely suggest introducing the family. Give us an antagonist to escape from. The only reference to a potential obstacle is the mention of footsteps when Seth and Cora hide. I would suggest more build-up that shows us exactly who they're trying to sneak past.
Establish the world
Particularly in the first chapters, there's very little sense of the setting. For example, I wrote these notes regarding Chapter 1:
Struggling to understand the location. How does the food get to her if she's in a prison cell? It's all oddly vague. Who caught her? Why was she thrown in prison? No sense of who else is there. Who Seth is. Why his behaviour is unusual.
The lack of world building manifests itself in two ways, so I'll talk about each in turn. First of all, the descriptions are sometimes vague:
Chapter 4: Heads turned as they passed groups of people in strange clothes and different colored cloaks.
Okay, what do strange clothes look like for Cora? We don't know what normal looks like for her. They're wearing cloaks, what else? What colours? What are the people doing? What kind of people? Old, young, men, women, large or small groups? Are they looking at Cora like she's the weird one? How busy / noisy is it?
Chapter 4: The inside of the building looked much the same as the outside.
So... like a fossil? That's the description we got of the buildings earlier, but not much else so this line feels like it's not giving us much to work with. The scene goes on to say more about what's in the room, but as an introduction this line didn't work for me because I had no strong image.
Strong, vivid and memorable descriptions are specific and evocative. You could make more use of imagery, sensory descriptions, and most of all specific detail to convey a richer picture of the setting and characters.
The second issue with the world building is that the story makes very little attempt to establish the world Cora lives in before she travels to Phaedra. Even just basic facts like the city she lives in, her home situation, the people in her life. It's either missing or vaguely hinted at, but lacking in detail.
For example, in Chapter 3, Ash and Kate are mentioned for the second time, but we still have zero indication of who they are in relation to Cora.
This lack of insight means that by the time we get to Chapter 5, I have no context for the conversation about magic and the Shadow Walkers. Is magic new to Cora or not? Should she be surprised that it exists? She asks questions about the world, but doesn't act surprised about magic in itself, so I'm puzzled.
I genuinely don't know if the world she comes from has magic or not. Is it meant to be the real world? Modern or medieval or something in between? There are no references to present-day technology, but nothing specific to indicate that it isn't modern either. (The closest thing I could find was a reference to the city being made of glass and metal, which suggests modern but doesn't confirm it.)
And while Phaedra itself is better realised in comparison, the story suffers from the lack of contrast which would give us a stronger connection to Cora as a fish out of water. We need to understand where she comes from in order to better engage with her perspective as she enters this new world.
Conclusion
I see the bones of a story here, but it needs fleshing out to make a real impact. The chapters are very short. The content we get isn't badly written for the most part, there just isn't enough of it.
I wonder if you were so keen to get to Phaedra, you rushed the introductory chapters? If you take the time to establish a footing with Cora and Seth in the first world, I think that will pay off for the rest of the story. We need to be invested in the characters first, and that will make the journey into Phaedra all the more compelling.
